GQ Jongin Kai trans (2016 August)

GQ: We talked about how your face must be swollen since it's morning, photographer and I were actually looking forward to see it.

J: Ah I usually don't really care about it but today I actually did, I went to bed early last night and didn't even drink water (in case it could make him look more swollen) but I had my love teeth* pulled out recently so it is swollen after all.

* wisdom teeth are called love teeth in Korea.

GQ: So you say you had your love teeth pulled out, should we talk about love as the first question..

*It is called love teeth because Korean people say they start to grow around the time when you experience your first love and also it's very painful like one's first love.

J: I have a very bad memory related to love teeth.

GQ: So we shouldn't ask?

J: No I didn't mean that (laughs). When I pulled out my love teeth for the first time, I experienced the worst pain in the world. It really hurt. But this time it came out very easily thankfully.

GQ: Are you the type that always wants to feel things very precisely?

J: I think I like things ambiguous/vague more than something too precise. I tend to imagine many visual images. Because I'd like to express those through my dance. Even when I'm choreographing, it always starts from a very simple/trivial image. I just like being alone. and walking, listening to music, thinking of those images. Since I was little, well I'm still little.*

GQ: Are you still little?

*the word little is 어리다. it says 'young' in the dictionary and being 'young' could be the opposite of being 'old' but 어리다's opposite meaning is 'all grown up'

J: Yes. But from what point are you an adult? When you pass the age of 20? (18/19 in international age) You can say they are more mature since they have more responsibilities by law and socially too. But what does that imply about how you behaved before age 20 then? Isn't it a given you should take responsibility for your words (whether you've passed 20 years old or not)? I don't want to classify myself as an adult or not. If I must have to, I guess I just would say I've passed 20 years old.

GQ: That's something people who often reflect on themselves and try to control/improve can say.

J: I don't know. I'm just there, enjoying being alone.I really like thinking about visual images while listening to music. For example, it's dark and a single water droplet is falling and it will splash. And the image of that droplet is spreading out. And I always add colors when I imagine these things. Sometimes it's just black and white.

GQ: Since you're in a team, it must not be that easy for you to make time for yourself.

J: Actually I don't have many friends. It's been like that since I was little. I transferred schools a lot. So it's just my trainee friends and team members. I'm just enjoying thinking alone. I never feel awkward about being alone. I wouldn't really feel 'ah I feel lonely or I'm bored'

GQ: But I do think you would feel lonely or bored it's just you don't take it negatively.

J: I think that's absolutely right. I could feel lonely or bored but I don't try to solve it.

GQ: Day or night, which one do you prefer?

J: Night, around 8pm or 2am. I like it cause it's very sentimental. iI like that 'sentimental' time zone.

GQ: For seasons, do you like the winter season?

J: Yes, I like winter.

GQ: People tend to like the season that they were born in.

J: You're right. It's quite comforting.

GQ: But now it's in the middle of summer.

J: Yes. It's all about cooling yourself in summer. And making yourself busy too. I've always been busy in the summer. I always was sweating and dancing. Constantly busy with something. It's almost like that season exists so I can sweat (being busy)*
*Korean expression

GQ: You and music are inseparable, right?

J: Right. honestly I always have to listen to it but I don't want to say ' music is my friend and a life long companion' it is something very important but it could be nothing as well. It's something like that. It's just natural. I don't feel the need to define the meaning of it.

GQ: And I would say you must by picky?

J: Yes, I tend to be. I like calming sound and african american music too. Like.. I can dance without music. All I need is the sound. if someone says 'I drank water and I got a stomachache after that' I could dance to the sound. I guess I just like any sounds. I've listened to Mura Masa recently. He does 'future bass'. I will play it. here, it's like this.

GQ: It sounds like it won't ever end. Is there any reason it has to be dancing for you?

J: Rather than a reason, I guess I can say that something that felt natural for me was dancing. Luckily, my parents let me try to find something I want to do on my own. They let me attend every academy. And they told me that I danced crazily on the first day of my jazz dance class. It was when I was 8. And honestly I have no memories of that age, I can remember from age 9. So it means I was dancing from the time that I can't even remember. That's why it wasn't a choice but something so natural for me. My memories started from dancing so it feels like I've been dancing since I was born (the beginning of my life that I can remember)

Rather than saying that I feel happy when I'm moving my body and dancing, it's just my first memory is dancing. (about why he thinks dancing is something so natural for him)

GQ: As if you were born with it.

J: But I don't feel that I dance to show others. I've always hated that kind of dancing. I just like dancing alone. Even when I was a trainee, I was the last to leave and practiced by myself. Since I was little and I still have that side of me. I don't want to show others the progress unless I'm satisfied. I want to keep it for myself. I go on a stage for the audience but even before that, it is for myself. That's why I'm dancing, to be honest.

GQ: I think to myself that 'time is passing and I can see that you're passing a certain time' You can be completely different later on right?

J: I think it'll be so fun if that happens. As I'm looking back on today.

GQ: I say it's important to exprerience every moment as row it can be.

J: I think it's so intersting to feel a certain emotion all over again after time passes. People often say 'don't forget your first resolution'. I believe 'first resolution' can be your mental attitude but it also could be your emotions from the early days. The emotions/feelings that I felt during our debut showcase that's my first resolution. The happiness I felt when I went on that stage. I want to feel that. as time goes by, I feel somewhat different excitement.
But when I think of it, that happiness and exciment that I found from an uncertain fear (on the showcase day) is most memorable.

I guess that's why I consider that as my 'first resolution' I have this thing that I keep trying to find that again and also want to go back too.

GQ: Now we're finished shooting so eat up and hope you spend your summer well.

J: I want to but I keep thinking about the things we talked earlier like the past, the present and the future stuff. I've imagined like 'If I go back to the past and can tell myself something' and I don't think I would say anything. If I do, it will change all the times that follow. I think all the time I've spent up is too precious to do that.

GQ: Right. Because you're the type that always reflects on yourself and tries to control yourself as well.

J: I often think 'when was I most happy?' there were many big moments. Those moments that you feel 'if this isn't happiness, then nothing is' but I just thought of that 'when was the small little happy moments in my life?' like those little happy moments make your heart feel happy for a long time. And I could think of two.
One of them was when I was a trainee and after finished practicing, I rode subway or bus to go home and when I would buy a drink that costs 500w and drink it. (That was when I felt happy)

And the other moment was when I lived alone with my mom in Seoul before I became a trainee. It was tough but when I think of those times I get this happy feeling. but can I call it a happy memory? Maybe it's not because it really was tough.

One day I skipped the study academy (the private institute you go to after school) I really didn't want to go. I told my mom I'd go when I left the house. I had no friedns or things to do. I was just listening to music from my mp3 and wandering around the bus stop.

Just looking around, walking and listening to music. But I ran into my mom. She hit my back hard with my bag. "What is this? why are you here?' " I didn't go because I didn't want to" "Where are you going now then? home?" " No, I'm going to buy ice cream" "Is that so? Let's go then" And she bought me ice cream. I felt so happy. Those times. Those feelings. It's something that has already passed..My memories..It keeps coming back since we talked about it earlier. I was just so happy.

GQ: You looked any different at that time?

J: I was more tanned and was a ltttle bit darker (personality-wise) and didn't talk much too. I was alone with my mom. It definitely was a hard time. But I think, as much as hard it was, I was happy too. I thought back then, that we could be more happy if we had more money but now I don't think money can do that.
Have a lot of time doesn't make you happy either. Even if you have everything you want, that's also different from pure happiness. I think the real happiness just passes by. And you will only realize as time passes.

GQ: I guess that's how we all move forward. seeing and listening to good things, and eating good food too.

J:I want to eat them too but because of my love tooth...earlier when I was posing for the camera, and you told me to shout and it actually hurt so much :)