https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/comments/1plpivn/are_my_wifes_actions_because_of_autism/
TLDR - my bi-wife had an emotional affair, asked me if it was okay to continue it, I tried for 2 months, I asked her to end it, now she thinks I'm cruel and an awful husband. We're discussing divorce.
Okay, here is the full story.
Together for 11 years. We had a challenging 1st year - my wife had several abusive partners, and she was not aware of her autism diagnosis at the time. She went from one bad relationship to the next.
She was sure I was too nice and would turn bad once she got comfortable. I was very patient with her, and we made it through that. I had some severe health issues over the next couple of years, and I felt guilty about it and even suggested she leave, as it wasn't fair to her. She loved me and actually found me treatment. We went from living below the poverty line to building a great life for both of us. We've made a great team.
Eight years in, I came across something that made me suspect she had autism. And I encouraged her to seek out a diagnosis. She found an expert, and after a couple of months, she was diagnosed. It was a bit bumpy at first as she seemed to use her diagnosis as an excuse for things, and I instead helped her shift her mindset. For example, she would get stressed in social situations, so instead of cancelling at the last minute, I was now more understanding of her stress and helped her prepare. In the actual social situation, I was more mindful of her being overwhelmed, so I would take over conversations, make sure there were no surprises, etc. The diagnosis helped me be more understanding and supportive. It brought us closer together.
My wife has always been bi but has never fully had a relationship with a woman. 6 months ago, she developed feelings, which were later revealed to me to be an emotional online affair. The woman from another country came for a visit, and their feelings for each other were confirmed. They asked me if they could develop a relationship together without telling me what had actually developed before that.
I asked her in that moment if she was doing this because she was unhappy in our relationship, and she said no, that she was very happy. We had just gotten married that year for our 10th anniversary - just a small home ceremony. I felt pressured into it, and they pushed for an answer after only giving me 4 days. I didn't even have time to talk to my best friends. I said, 'Fine, but if I want to cancel it, I need to be able to do that,' and she said, 'Of course.' We didn't know what to call it because my wife couldn't handle me seeing someone else, so it wasn't an open relationship. I can't even state that I find a celebrity attractive without her getting hurt.
I really tried to be okay with it. I even tried to get to know the woman. I could tell right away that the woman's attempts with me were fake. Each week, something new hurt me even more. I've never really cried in front of my wife, but each week, there was something more painful that happened, and I cried almost every week. I've never been a jealous person, to the point where my wife actually gets a little annoyed by how non-jealous I can be. I hoped that my wife would realize that she didn't want this and end it. I didn't want her to end it for me because at that point, I knew I'd always wonder if she actually wanted to be with me.
The relationship progressed incredibly quickly, and I saw myself being kicked out of the arrangement.
I hit my breaking point after 8 weeks and said it needed to end. My wife at that point said she couldn't just end it. And it was then I realized how far it had gone, and she revealed the affair for months before these 8 weeks. Please keep in mind 95% of their relationship was online, and they only saw each other twice in those months.
We've had some big fights over the years where we almost broke up - both at fault, but they were always resolved in a couple of hours, 12 hours max. It's something I've appreciated about our relationship. From working with a therapist and reading books by the Gottmans, I'm understanding both our parts and issues. But for the most part, I've viewed our relationship as great. For the past 2 years, I've really been making an effort - more activities, chores are equal, I'm very caring with her (give her a head massage almost every night), we laugh a lot, best friends, etc.
And the problems we have are almost mirrored. She feels like a caretaker for my health needs (totally valid and something I won't let continue), and I feel like a caretaker for her emotional needs. Neither of us feels comfortable bringing things up because we haven't figured out how to communicate without triggering the other (me, defensiveness, her, anxiety). But in my opinion, all things that can be fixed with time in therapy. Not deal breakers. Her main critique about me was that she didn't feel special.
I can understand the affair and the 8-week part. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be bi, and that's why I tried. But it's how she's treated me since I asked her to end that that's really made me question our relationship.
For about a week after I asked her to end it, I'll admit, I was very hurt and couldn't understand how quickly our relationship was falling apart. I wouldn't give her space, and my anxiety about our life falling apart got the best of me. I wanted her to end it, and I wouldn't leave her alone - I'll admit I was intense. We fought every night - nothing violent, no yelling, or even crossing lines into name-calling - just hurt intensity. It made her snap, and she had a complete autistic meltdown.
-- She asked me to leave the house for 10 days, and then, when I said I needed to come home for work and health reasons, she said I wasn't doing enough to support her
-- I bought a book on communication for couples in autistic relationships, and she called me and berated me for over 45 minutes about how this had nothing to do with autism, and I was blaming our problems on autism. All I wanted to do was learn how I could communicate better, and I told her that before the phone call.
-- Suddenly, our relationship was really bad in her eyes. And she started pointing out all the awful things I had done. But she could only come up with examples that were over 5 years old or small things, like I always forgot to throw out my chocolate wrapper. She said I was dismissive of her needs, and I was, oftentimes, but now I understand we're both at fault because of how she communicated them (criticism instead of team language). I'm not excusing or passing blame on my defensiveness - I own that. But I understand why it came up. I also realized that part of my defensiveness is because I can't bring up my needs without triggering her self-worth issues, so when she criticized me, my own problems with her boiled over. Again, both were at fault, and something we should have addressed.
There was hypocrisy in our relationship that made me not want to address the little things that bothered her. For example, the chocolate bar wrapper was easy for me to address, but I asked her why it was okay for her to leave mouldy food in the fridge, and I almost always have to clean it up. (monthly issue). This is a really immature example, I realize, but it highlights how difficult it is for her to see the other person's perspective.
-- It was hard for me to know if this was as serious as she was stating or if she was looking for reasons to validate leaving me for this woman and not looking bad in the eyes of others.
-- She asked me to give her space, and I agreed, but she kept picking fights with me, which, of course, turned into fights and set back the calm we were trying to achieve.
-- My therapist has been pushing me to have boundaries during this process, and I wasn't. She was still seeing this woman during the process, and it was very painful.
-- Autism question (social blindness). She was having a really rough day, and the woman she was seeing gathered up her friends to take care of her. She was all happy and touched and shared that with me. Then she had a 3-hour video call with the woman in the room next to me, and I had to listen to her laughing the entire time. She didn't think for a moment that this would hurt me. And when that hurt me, she got angry at me for not being happy for her.
-- Autism question (fawning) - During this period, she won't let me reconnect with her. I can't do any of the usual things I do to get her out of her meltdowns. She claims it will trigger a fawning response - https://www.autismbc.ca/blog/autistic-fawning/
I have never been abusive or shown any kind of abuse to her. So this fear of hers is tough for me to understand.
Well, one day, I hit my limit when she claimed I did something wrong on a date months ago, where I really tried. On the day, she even said how much she appreciated my approach and how supportive I was. Well, suddenly it became clear to her that I had done something very wrong that day as well. So I said, 'That was my limit, the bar was too high. If I, at my best, wasn't good enough, then I wanted a divorce.' I was mad. The next day, I walked back and said divorce was still on the table, but it was her choice. She had to end it with the woman, or we would be over. She ended it with the woman, but then got mad at me the next day for forcing her to choose (it had been 4 weeks by then, giving her time to make a choice).
Another autism question - The other day was my birthday, and it was the worst birthday of my life. She returned my gift (and, to be fair, I had said I didn't want something to remind me of this awful period), but the next day she asked me for a box to send a gift to the woman she had ended things with. It wasn't malicious, but it didn't even cross her mind that this might be hurtful. Autism question - is this lack of awareness typical in autism?
She then revealed they were still talking even though she said she wasn't, but it was just minimal. I told her she can't talk to this woman at all anymore, and she said I was being cruel because this woman's 85-year-old mother was sick and this woman needed support. She seems utterly blind to the fact that a spouse's request for no contact is more than fair and how hurtful this might be to me. Plus the lying.
The other day, we had a good talk until she revealed she's still not sure if she wants to be with me or if she needs to explore this other side of her sexuality. She thinks she might be gay, and I told her I didn't believe her. I said she's bi, and even if she might lean slightly towards women, that doesn't make her gay; she's still bi. Even her best friend says she's bi. I said she can't claim to be gay to get away with bad behaviour. She's free to make any choice she wants, but she needs to own her actions and not blame them on some external excuse.
Pattern - as I said, she has a habit of doing this. She ended a 25-year friendship with her best friend over a single text conversation. Friends of ours lost their child last year, and we (mostly me) took them food regularly, and after 6 months of grieving, she said she didn't want to continue their friendship because she felt like they wouldn't do the same for her. This statement came because they are still taking their needed space and weren't engaging with us much. I said, they lost a child, and they need time. I'm her third husband, 4th if you include common-law. She's my only relationship, which is why this is so hard for me.
Avoiding blame - we've been talking about breaking up since the beginning, and then last week, when I said divorce, she said I was imagining that she was thinking of breaking up. It really messed with my mind, and I wondered whether my insecurities were creating it. But I have text proof that she did. She also keeps insisting this has nothing to do with the woman. And she was near the breaking point already. She said it was my fault for not knowing we were at the breaking point because she had brought up issues in the past. One time during the arrangement, the deal was that she could talk for 10 minutes a day. It was a very long conversation and I confronted her about it. She said it was 20 minutes and I felt like I was being overly sensitive. It didn't add up and I confronted her again and she admitted it was 45 minutes long.
She keeps saying she needs to find herself; she wants to be happy and fulfilled, and she doesn't want to look back on her life in regret.
General autism question - I can't tell if my wife has an extreme sense of social blindness. Is the lack of empathy and lack of awareness of other people's feelings due to autism or something else? She struggles with friends, and if it were up to her, she would have ended every single one of our couple friendships. All her friendships end after a year, and it's always their fault.
In the past few weeks, I've noticed a sense of self-absorption that I've seen hints of before, but never at this level.
I'm trying to understand if what I'm seeing is all part of an autism meltdown and if I should continue to be supportive. I'm nearing my breaking point and not sure what to do.
I genuinely love my wife, but if what I'm seeing is the real her and not an autistic meltdown, it's painful to say it, but she's not someone I want to be with.
I could understand a person acting this way if they were in an abusive relationship. Then there's an element of taking your power back. But I can say with confidence that yes, I have my faults, and yes, I get defensive, but I'm a genuinely good and supportive husband.
I'm not going to pull any punches here. YTA, dude.
she seemed to use her diagnosis as an excuse for things, and I instead helped her shift her mindset.
When I got to this line, I thought mayyyyybe you don't mean this in the standard allistic controlling way. But in my experience, 100% of the time someone talked about "using autism as an excuse", it's resentful, controlling, codependent manipulation.
Would you complain about someone with a broken leg, using their broken leg as an "excuse" not to walk?
But when it's autism, the allistic partner uses autism as an excuse for every codependent violation of autonomy and respect that they perpetuate, saying "Oh, because you're autistic, I have to do this", and then accuse the autist of "using autism as an excuse" when they object to being judged according to unstated and unjustifiable neurotypical standards.
This is projection.
6 months ago, she developed feelings, which were later revealed to me to be an emotional online affair.
"Emotional online affair" is not a real thing. Her feelings are her own internal experience. You don't get to have a say in them. That's some deeply codependent controlling abuser shit.
I asked her in that moment if she was doing this because she was unhappy in our relationship, and she said no, that she was very happy. ... I felt pressured into it
Ok, so you're unhappy in your relationship, and projecting this onto your wife. Got it.
You describe being codependent, wishing and hoping that she'll just """somehow""" realize that she wants you, the controlling codependent partner, rather than this other person, who cares about her and makes her happy.
I bought a book on communication for couples in autistic relationships, and she called me and berated me for over 45 minutes about how this had nothing to do with autism, and I was blaming our problems on autism.
Called it. You're using autism as an excuse. You do it throughout this entire post. I'm glad that she was able to see this, but unfortunately, she kept giving you the benefit of the doubt, and allows you to use your history as leverage to keep her around.
She asked me to give her space, and I agreed, but she kept picking fights with me, which, of course, turned into fights and set back the calm we were trying to achieve.
So, she asked you to give her space, you didn't give her space, and then you're blaming her for how your failure to give her space led to conflicts that made you feel bad.
If someone tells you to give her space, and you agree, but you're still up in their face to fight with, then you should feel bad. They're right to fight with you, because you're not giving them space. If you were giving her space, you would not be in her space to pick a fight with.
My therapist has been pushing me to have boundaries during this process
Your wife is literally begging you to give her space, she's setting a boundary, and you're refusing to respect it. Your therapist is telling you to set a boundary, and you're interpreting that as controlling your wife.
Then she had a 3-hour video call with the woman in the room next to me, and I had to listen to her laughing the entire time.
So, you spied on a private conversation that you weren't invited to, then got upset because she had a good time that wasn't boosting your ego.
I have never been abusive or shown any kind of abuse to her. So this fear of hers is tough for me to understand.
So far in this message, you have shown me that you're abusive, and I'm not even there! Can you not read your own writing, see the things that you're saying? You are controlling, manipulative, and self-centered in the extreme throughout this entire story, and I have to assume that's with the bias of going out of your way to make yourself seem as blameless as possible.
I genuinely love my wife, but if what I'm seeing is the real her and not an autistic meltdown, it's painful to say it, but she's not someone I want to be with.
You do not genuinely love your wife. You love the way that she used to feed your ego. She's stopped doing that, because she's decided to stop masking. Somehow, you got enough of your hooks into her that she's granting you far more compassion than you have earned, and you are now throwing a temper tantrum to other autistic people on the internet to try to get us to agree that she's the villain.
The minute you saw who she really is, the minute she dropped the mask and started demanding the accommodations and respect and autonomy that she needs to function as an autistic person, you have taken it as an attack on your sense of self. You hate her, actually, because she's no longer a willing appendage to your ego.
I could understand a person acting this way if they were in an abusive relationship.
Oh my god, you're so close to enlightenment here.
To be honest, if I were friends with your wife, hearing all of these red flags from you, I'd recommend that she make an escape plan, and leave in secret as soon as she can get away without you stopping her, before you escalate to violence that lands you in prison, and her in the hospital/grave.
I'm reporting this for violating Rule 1 of this sub. You're an allistic partner asking for advice about how to manipulate/control/change an autistic person. This is abusive and, I do not us this term lightly, actually evil.
Please leave your wife before this goes further and you do something you can't take back. You can save face by claiming she's the problem, bad mouth her to all your shared friends, whatever. Just get away from her so she can heal and take her life back, before you become even more of an abuser. Split up your things, get a no-fault divorce, and move on with your separate lives.
This is a repetitive story with a very dark ending in the vast majority of cases.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AutismTranslated/comments/1pqs8oe/comment/nuwxh1x/?context=3
Hi again.
I reported your complaints about your wife on the other sub and got it removed. Unfortunately, my reply also got removed, because despite earnestly trying to help you see the situation clearly, I did cross the line into "invalidating" (I would call it "challenging") your beliefs about the story.
Lucky for you, I saved a copy before it was deleted. http://simp.ly/publish/3T2340 (edit: had to roll the URL because simplenote is like that sometimes)
I think that it is clear from what you write that this is an abusive dynamic, and that you are the (perhaps unwitting, but nevertheless empowered and narcissistic) abuser. Furthermore, continuing to seek out validation from autistic people online, polishing your story with our input, all in service of bolstering your aggrieved/outrage supply, is extremely inappropriate behavior.
I am disappointed in my fellow autists who are failing to see this. But people do give the protagonist the benefit of the doubt, and you are benefitting from this.
My earnest advice, which will improve your life and avoid a very common and extremely dangerous situation: You should leave your wife, as soon as possible, so that you and she can both get out of this codependent dynamic, and go on to have happier lives, far far away from one another.