Today was like an oasis. After so many days of wasting time and mindlessly consuming media without rest, I managed to get my sheep together where I finished reading an ebook and took a 3 hours afternoon nap.
During this nap, I had a dream where I was playing a game. There was a resource called "Lament" which you earn from failures and rejections. At first, it seems useless since you can't use it for anything. After all, only victories and success grant you the resources you need to make progress in the game. However, as players reach the late game, the importance of "Lament" becomes more apparent. At some point, they will find that the only way to make progress and get new skills is to have lots of Lament. Many players eventually regret not farming for Lament early in the game, as the cost of failure becomes more painful the farther the progress they make in the game. This later regret... is perhaps why this resource is called "Lament".
As you can see, it's a very symbolic and metaphorical dream. These kind of dreams are pretty rare. It made me realize that one of the reasons why I'm stuck is because I don't have enough Lament to make anymore visible progress, and I don't want to farm for it because the costs of failure have become so much heavy than before. I'm that worried about it though, I know that just by existing and surviving each day, I am making enough progress. It's enough for society and universe but not for me. This kind of living is too slow and boring, unlike the adventurous and dramatic life that my true nature has always longed for.
Anyway it was really scary these past few days. I thought I was losing even the little control I have over myself. I can't believe I suddenly got so lethargic that even washing the dishes felt like an insurmountable mountain. I can't believe I postponed washing the dishes for several hours when I usually do it immediately after eating. I have hit new lows in life that I'm relieved that I managed to recover. I'm also somewhat terrified about what would happen if I hit another low lower than yesterday. I can't even imagine. Good thing my spiritual defenses are still strong enough to prevent me from getting sick or becoming insane under such terrible conditions. The paragraph below shows what happened yesterday:
"Today was terrible. I messed up. I felt lethargic for some reason and stopped doing house chores on schedule, which has never happened before.I felt like delaying the entire world and stopping time so I can endlessly consume while my soul falls to oblivion. All my online friends are gone, inactive. Yet I refuse to seek them anymore. Online friends cost 3 points of emotional health and when they act all shy and stupid without showing any interest, all those points go to waste and my investment fails. My investments have failed more than ten times in a row and I'm now emotionally bankrupt. I cannot afford to gamble on them anymore. Right now, I can visibly feel that both my body and mind are beyond cooked and the only thing that's holding my dying sheep together are my last remnants of spiritual energy as someone with high spiritual affinity."
I feel like I would lose my ability to think if I did not write an article today. I haven't thought much for several weeks, especially because I recently got my phone back from that service center. It seems it's still difficult for me to think on my own without being able to store my thoughts in the online notes on the phone. Much of my personality depends on the amount of freedom available to me. If I have students, I will be a teacher. If I have notes, I will be a writer. If I'm alone, then I will be a survivor. If I'm stuck with society, then I will be another mindless automaton. Thinking about this, I feel like regretting having crafted this personality. While this personality require minimum social and emotional maintenance compared to others, it requires a lot of freedom for it to be sustainable and unleash its full capacity.
Without any proper meditation for several days, my spirit feels starved. The emptiness and void accumulate quickly with this personality and life situation, so I need to meditate many times per week where I can process this emptiness. Meditation is like cooking emptiness so that I may be able to eat and digest its contents. Just as how one's body needs enough sleep to process the fatigue and experiences of everyday life, one's soul needs enough meditation to process the inherent emptiness of existence. Perhaps this is why Wang Liping, one of the famous immortals, taught their family and neighbors to meditate — as an immortal, he can directly see that meditation is just as important, if not more, than sleeping.
There are things that some people are able to see which most people could not. For me, I always see the potential of human beings, which is often unintentionally suppressed by society. I can always see the possibilities of how a person, group, concept, program, institution, facility, or policy can be better optimized to be "human-friendly"; that is, to fit the nature of human beings and their patterns of growth. This is why I realized that my class is a Nurturer despite having lemon blood within me — I am acutely and painfully sensitive to human needs and possibilities that I have an irresistible urge to care for them or at least teach them how they can safely meet their needs. I don't need to get any degree or medals, as long as I can work in a classroom, orphanage, or anything similar, I would be several times more effective and happy than those with dozens of degrees and certificates. Either way, there is great value in gathering those who can see differently, those feel no need, or just unable, to see the world like most people.
Although it's already the start of classes, I still have a terrifying amount of free time. There's only one class for the entire term and it's 7-8 AM. So I still have most of the day to myself. Free time is always terrifying to those who don't know what to do with it, just as how Power is terrifying to those who don't know how to use it. What can I do with my free time? Chat? Find money? Learn something new? No, I have realized that some options available before are not accessible now. Foolishness, futility, and absurdity — these three words echo within my mind every time I try to do something new and meaningful with my free time. Who would have known that trying to create a house of cards in the internet is so much more difficult than creating one in real life? The possibilities in the virtual world may be more extensive but their links and foundations are so much weaker and feeble. The internet of today still cannot replace reality, it can only complement it. This is especially true for developing countries.
Someday, I will create a strong and robust internet that does not just complement reality but can also replace it completely. Thus, the experiences unique to real life can also be experienced on the internet. This is made for the bedridden and other hopeless people to continue their life despite their conditions. This also marks the beginning of a new and fun dystopian reality.
I have always been fascinated and interested in the choices that people make when they are given power and freedom. Seeing people being true to their desires and fully expressing themselves, sparing nothing, makes me very happy. Just as how society unintentionally makes people do things they do not want to do, I am going to unintentionally make people do the things they have always wanted to do. No longer must they hold themselves back in front of their needs and desires. No longer shall they be bound by leash and chains as if they are wild animals to be contained. No longer must they follow behind the backs of anyone as if they cannot walk on their own. For I shall give everyone the freedom they need, and turn the weak into powerful, plunging this world into an unprecedented age of fun and chaos where there is nothing but the truth. When people are given power and freedom, I do not trust them to make good choices, rather, I trust them to make the choices they want, the most fun and interesting choices in the world!
You see, most people move because of the carrot and stick, in the manner of the bureaucratic maze that has been arranged for them. It is no fun observing them, even an idiot knows that most animals, including humans, avoid the stick, chase the carrot, and stop when they encounter a wall. In the two decades I have been alive, not once have I seen a real human being in their natural environment, living like the humans they are. Even watching an ant is more fun than watching humans, at least you know that the ants are just being ants, doing what ants do. Yet humans, these human beings I have observed are not being humans, they do not do what humans do. In the rare cases where they do, they do it in the most convoluted and suppressed way as if they are being forced to do it. Have you always wondered what humans would do if they are in their natural environment, without any artificial carrots, sticks, and walls? Because I have, I had always wondered. A world where great power exists in the hands of everyone, not just the few, isn't that interesting?
A major part of my free time is often spent in trying to deal with the raging beast within, one that always demands blood and sacrifices. It's a very terrifying thing, so terrifying that trying to confront it for long periods of time makes me so scared I forget all my plans and makes me just want to procrastinate all day long. Every single one of its thoughts and words are out of this world. A lot of energy is spent trying to calm down and reassure this beast with empty promises, only to make it more angry later on. The beast isn't terrifying because of their appearance but because of the thought that that beast, could be me. The thought that I am virtually inseparable from this beast, that this beast is no different than me, makes me terrified beyond reason. It is something that must not exist in this world in any way or form. So the fact that it is somehow part of me, is something I could never accept.
I have no idea what I am supposed to do with it. It's not like I can just give it the blood and sacrifices it fiercely demands everyday. I guess one thing I could do is to try to understand it and meditate on it. Perhaps I'll be able to give it something better than the things it demands. What could it be? I have no idea. This is something I must figure out on my own. I thought about it for a while and chaos might be a good substitute. I have to burn something and let it burn for a while, but it should be something that doesn't burn too big or too long. What are the things I can safely burn? I might have some ideas. Aside from burning something, chaos can also be gained by exploring dark and unknown alleys. Although this gives lower amounts of chaos than burning things, it is somewhat safer and more concealed. Still, I need to find unknown alleys that appear safe and worthwhile. Hopefully, these things would be able to satisfy and calm down the raging beast.
I see. I think I understand my situation a little better now. It's sad that the kittens that was always with me on the second floor have transferred on the first floor, but I can rest assured that I can always grab them and carry them with me whenever I want.