Imaging having a day so bad that you have to go back to your old ways and write about how bad it is just to make sense of what happened.
This is that day.
Today, everything that went wrong happened. All the wrong decisions were made. All consequences was experienced. All suffering was received in full with high interest.
"What went wrong?" That's not the question. We already know what went wrong. We all know how bad choices one after another leads to terribly grave consequences, yet we still did it.
Because we can't see. The consequences we thought of before making those choices only exist in our mind, we can't see them in reality. We can't see how this thing would lead to this and that, even though we have experienced it countless of times.
How can one be so shortsighted, when they have been monitoring their vitals, temperature, and emotions throughout the whole day? It's precisely because we're monitoring our emotions too intensely that we got trapped on it. We're worrying at the river too much that we accidentally fell in it.
The phone feels hot. The radiation burns my eye. The social friction and emotional pollution in the atmosphere gets through my brain. Eating too much meat and food poisons my second brain in the gut. The blood of rebellion that flows through my veins is ever so urging me to seek for freedom — only to find distractions.
I've been foolishly trying to stop them like a little child trying to stop the rain from hitting the ground, only to end up being sick and defeated in the end.
Indeed, I forgot. When our vitals, breathing, and temperature reaches certain thresholds, the more emotional we get. But so what? I'm powerless. I can't stop them. I forgot they're not meant to be stopped at all.
It doesn't matter if our body functions crosses all thresholds, as long as we don't identify with them. It doesn't matter how strong the rain is and how long it lasts, as long as we stay inside our homes and do what we're supposed to do, nothing would happen to us.
These body functions are just something for me to watch, not something for me to worry about. Regardless of how much chemicals is pumped into my brain, if I don't give it a "self", it cannot affect me in the slightest.
Social frictions and emotional pollution are really something. The empathy of humans dictates that when everyone around you is panicking, you must also feel their panic as well. Guilt, shame, and suffering — they mostly come from that useless empathy, demanding that the entire group shall feel the emotional state of every individual within it.
Alas, it's another thing we can't stop, especially if we have chosen not to interfere. I can feel the guilt of knowledge seething deep within my bones, as I know all their troubles too well and how to solve it, yet can't care enough to do anything for others.
Is it my guilt? It's not, rather, it's the guilt the society ingrained stuff in my mind is trying to make me feel. Perhaps it affects me, but like I said before, any emotion without a sense of self is like a rain, it drops to the ground and disappears — it's best to stay inside the house.
As much as I would like to say "duck you" to all their cries for attention, to all their expressions of anxiety, and to their abnormal thirst for l#ve, it's best for us to ignore it all together, as they don't matter enough to even deserve such an insult.
Ideally, it would be best to cooperate and work together for a common goal but I'm not interested in such thing. We do not live for the best and the ideal. While we sometimes wish for them, the thing we all secretly long for is to gain permission to be our dastardly imperfect selves and enjoy/suffer the consequences for it.
It's always raining. Every minute, someone would cry, panic, and complain around me. It's like one hell of a battlefield with nonstop explosions and gunshots that simply became music to my ears.
It's already hard enough trying to maintain composure in front of human emotions and desires, I also have to maintain composure in front of all their emotions and desires. Well, it's not that hard really. The rain outside isn't our problem as long as we don't go out. It's better to stay and be cozy inside our homes than to make people's problems "our problem".
They say it's important to place the mind in the stomach, where there's barely any thoughts. But it doesn't seem to work on me. What I learned that works for me is to place my mind underneath my feet that no thoughts would be able to reach me at all.
As long as I can feel my feet on the ground, my life shall forever remain grounded in truth and reality. It's an easy trick, just feel your feet touching the ground and your mental pollution decreases by at least 60%. If you can't feel your feet, then just apply pressure on the ground by pressing your feet on it.
It's best be cautious to any feelings and desire for freedom, as the freedom that the mind always want is the freedom from repetitive and boring reality, when the freedom we really need is the freedom to be infinitely relaxed while facing reality.
Reacting to things in life or thinking about them costs energy. All these energy we spent for reactions pile up and drain the life force out of our consciousness. If we react to every person, emotion, and hypothetical situation, just how tired will we become?
It's best to limit our area of reaction to the extremely small area around the consciousness, in every instant of the present moment, so we'll remain sincerely calm whatever happens.
Always remember that our thoughts and emotions is an external thing, it isn't ours nor something stuck to us. It's not our identity or our true self. It's an external thing like the wind, we may feel it but it would easily pass. Chasing or running away from it does not do a person any good.
When life is treated like an annoying chore, a difficult obligation, or a heavy burden, the first goal of the mind is to escape. It doesn't matter how and where, it just wants to escape. After all, it believes that we're not born just to become stuck in a single role we didn't even choose for ourselves.
When all is said and done, life continues to flow. Animals grow and die, providing nutrients for trees and plants, which in turn provides nutrients for the animals. The clouds pass ahead, watching the humans and their foolish struggles. The rain eventually stops, rainbows fill the sky.
Life goes on.