Tags: Personal, Edgy, Short, Reflection, Analysis, Reality, Unformatted
I'm losing my self-control reading too much webtoons, playing too much games, and talking to too much people lately.
It seems that I'm really losing my edge. The intense heat of the burning sun coupled with the dirty clothes that are yet to be washed are making these problems worse.
To resolve this, tomorrow morning, I'm going to buy the following things:
This will only resolve the superficial problems. My productivity is on a constant downfall lately with my new self-imposed lifestyle changes as I hesitate to research organizations and interact with people.
Although I've been extremely weak and defeated, I'm not going to give up. I'll keep pushing forward and reach for the stars.
After binge reading that webtoon for many days, I understand now what's causing me so much pain. I'm a very stubborn idealist who doesn't follow his heart, but chooses to follow his brain instead. I'm like a sword without a blade, a bow without an arrow.
The brain tells us to sacrifice, ignore, and let go for the sake of the greater good. It's always the logical choice, those who follow their brain has all the right to call themselves "right".
The heart tells us to fight, intervene, and protect those things that matter to us the most. It's not always the right choice and usually comes with a lot of conflicts. Those who follow their heart cannot call themselves "right", but they can call themselves "honest".
Without a doubt, I'm always following the first choice in my brain and ignoring everything that my heart tells me to do. I'm not a fighter nor a protector, I'm more of a strategist who works behind the scenes, the one who orchestrates everything from the shadows.
It's sad, because I'm not willing to let go of my dreams and ideals for a better world. Neither am I willing to let go of my sense of logic and safety.
First and foremost, I want to survive, everything else, including my dreams are just secondary. This is the terrifying truth that I am so scared to face. It seems that I've been reduced to nothing but an empty shell with only the desire to survive and nothing else.
It's really stupid. I'm always trying my best to reach my dreams and be productive, but when it comes to taking risks or experiencing change, my desire to survive immediately surfaces up and I quickly back down.
This makes me feel as if I'm aiming on a target using my bow, ensuring that I'll be able to shoot at the middle, but not having any desire to let go of the string and shoot. Yes, that's right. This has been my life for quite a while now. I've been aiming for the stars for so long, but I'm unable to shoot even once.
Desire and fear are not polar opposites of each other, they often coexist together in most situations. "I'm scared, but I want to. So I'm still going to do it." — this is how it usually goes. In my case, I lack desire and resolve to create the changes I want.
I may come as close as possible to reaching my dreams and getting what I want, but when it comes for me to take them with my hands, I quickly chicken out.
Reach my dreams and change the world for the better — that's what I keep telling myself to do. But what I really want isn't that, my actions disprove my words, and my true intentions, my unconscious goal is really:
"Survive long enough in this hell to see a miracle or pass down your knowledge to your future children."
To reach my dreams, become rich, have lots of friends, and be free. Those things are awesome, I wish to have them, but I have never dared to "want" them for myself. It would be a shameless excuse to say that I really want them, but I just don't know how to get them.
Because I know. I know exactly how to get these things and the fastest way to get them. Still, I don't want to get involved, I don't really want them for myself. Though I do want these things for my future children and for other people.
"Do I... deserve to be happy?" I said, while staring into the immeasurable loneliness inside me and the unfathomable darkness around me. I don't really know the answer to that question, but from what I know, I'm born in this world, and therefore I have a right to be happy.
To desire happiness... only breeds more suffering and pain. To desire and expect something is the reason for our suffering. If we just simply cease all our desires, we'll find peace.
That's right, I don't need to be happy. I just need to be simply at peace, and that would be enough for me.
A peaceful life... huh. Does it even exist? Regardless, it doesn't suit you at all, tRanChor, or shall I say, the Demon of Madness? I doubt that you'll be able to hold your thirst for chaos that long. Still, I hope that you can find that "peaceful life" you're talking about. I wish you good luck.
"No matter how much we try to sleep as much as we want and pretend that reality doesn't exist, we would eventually feel so restless that we'll wake up on our own."
"It's not that we can't escape our fate, it's that we cannot escape the body we are born into, with hard-coded genes to 'struggle, grow, and evolve' no matter what."
"What people think: Omg poor guy he looks so depressed, unhealthy, and weak.
What I think: Hm I wonder what will I eat tonight. Anyway should I complete this task first or this one? Hmm lemme think. Ah nvm, I just got a cool idea for a new article!"