Another year has passed.
This year felt a little more painful than other years. I made a lot of major mistakes and experienced a lot of major rejections. Maybe I should be a little glad that I didn't have to regularly go to the farm and spray the corn fields with a heavy sprayer. Still, it wasn't bad at all, I learned a lot of new things, especially about magic.
It's quite unfortunate though, I still didn't choose to make any real-life friends this year. It seems my attitude is still the same, "what for?" I don't really need any one to rely on, I'm pretty much self-sufficient with my current life. I don't want any extra worries in my life.
But yeah, it feels like I'm missing out on something. This is similar to the question of depressed people: "why should I live?", to which they are unable to answer. It is like trying to unlock a door where the key can only be found inside. One can never know the answer, reason, and purpose unless they experience being truly alive first. Similarly, one can't truly know the benefits of friendship and dove unless they experience it first.
How cringe.
What's great about this year is that I managed to read a lot of spiritual ebooks. I've finished reading several Buddhism sutras including the legendary Flower Ornament Scripture. I also completed the Paths of Wisdom which contains basic arcane knowledge full of technical terms and spiritual symbols. Thus, my spiritual growth is steadily increasing. Right now, it's like a tree that's two meters tall and contains dozens of leaves.
Consequentially, my spiritual eye can see better than before. Periods of extreme pain, stress, and labor doesn't affect me as much as before, those things have become no different than breathing — something that is expected, normal, and simple. Likewise, I've fully deconstructed the phenomena of attraction and how it tricks the perception that one thing is better than the other. I see emptiness in everything, yet that emptiness no longer scares me, it comforts me.
I've created a lot of new habits these days. One of them is the Noon Salutation which involves facing the direction of the sun and bathing in sunlight while holding the contemplation of God as symbolized by the Sun during solar noon, the highest point of sun in the sky. In my area, the solar noon is at 11:49:47 AM. It is very fun doing the same strange activity at the same point in time each day.
There's also the Daily Recollection, to which I would try to remember everything I did from morning to night before I go to sleep. This helps in improving memory and allows one to learn from their mistakes more. I usually close my eyes in a sitting position for ten to twenty minutes and try to remember everything to the finest detail.
Next year, beginning at January 8, I will perform the lunar etheric charging under the moonlight every night of the waxing moon. This will increase my intuition and allow me to connect with the moon and everything it symbolizes. This tiny strange rituals makes me feel being closer to becoming a true magician.
My tummy is getting bigger these days, am I getting fatter? It would be fun to experience the life of a fat person. Probably not, my weight doesn't reach above 55 regardless what I eat or do. There's always an infinite amount of house chores and philosophical problems that I have to complete. My weight might increase if I live a life of luxury where I eat anything anytime I want but that's not gonna happen anytime soon.
Unfortunately, I lost a lot of money this year from trading. I think my total losses amount to a total of $50 of hard-earned money and my potential losses because of my arrogance amounts to at least $100. That's crazy. Those little amounts wasted piled to become a life-changing amount that I could have used for better. It really humbled me a lot. It made me understood how something that appears so simple can be extremely difficult.
Ah if only a rich person comes to me right now and asked me what I want, I will tell them: "All I need is a hundred million dollars, a professional advisor, a capable assistant, and a quiet place to work and sleep. Within a few months, I'll create a thriving business and non-profit organization that will help thousands of people."
Haha of course, this is just another fantasy, a mere daydream. There's just no way it would happen. Seriously though, even with just a quiet place to stay and a few thousand dollars, my social freedom would expand so much that I would instantly become a different person. As someone with lots of plans for humanity, I cannot waste any resources for the sake of mindless luxury (though I can't help but celebrate such newfound freedom two boxes of pizza hehe).
But yeah, one of the things I learned this year is that money isn't that important to me. I tried many ways to earn money online but I always stopped halfway because it's so much more trouble than it's worth. Regardless of how desperate I am, it seems that the practice of doing repetitive tasks everyday just to earn money isn't for me.
Even if just seem to be a lowly introvert without anything better to do, my peace cannot be bought with money. My freedom and dignity cannot be sold for any price. I would rather remain poor doing meaningful work to become rich by doing meaningless work and taking advantage of others. That is how I want to live.
With regards to my chaotic self, I was able to make progress in true self-expression even if it means potentially hurting other people around me. I have done lots of crazy things this year and I can only be proud of it. It was one good step towards the unknown. I hope to be able to make dozens of steps next year and manifest the purest form of chaos.
Ah that's right, one awesome things about this year is that it has a lot of earthquakes. It was so much fun seeing the ground dance and making everything around dance with it. It made me realize how fragile and tiny human life is, something that can completely change in an instant. It's like when the ants are chilling and collecting food, thinking that it's another normal day, then they suddenly get stepped on by a bigger organism. Even now, I cannot be so sure if I won't get isekai'd in the next few minutes.
Hm I'm still too dependent on my phone. It's only natural, since there's nothing else for me to do without my phone. Though I'm well-aware that my phone can also die any moment without warning, it's more fragile than human life. There's only one way to stop being dependent on our mobile phone and that's to go outside and explore the world. The sun is still too hot and bright for me to do that.
Speaking of the weather, the temperature is the hottest from 1 to 4 PM, which makes me prone to procrastination. I call it the Dead Hours, the time where productivity usually dies from overheating. Still, if one can manage to remain productive despite the heat, then they'll be able to gain 4 hours of additional productivity within their day, and they'll feel so much more accomplished. It's still so difficult for to remain productive during the dead hours.
That's all for this year. Next year, I would like to become an imperfect person, someone who is not afraid to be wrong. I would like to become a strong person, someone who can persist through the dead hours and remain productive. I would like to become a true magician with an impartial awareness and powerful will.
I am tRanChor.
"It was a fun year 8/10, needs more earthquakes."