Everyday that passes, the frequency where my stomach gets upset, the amount of uncomfortable situations that arise, and the duration of my procrastination increases.
At any moment in time, it feels like my stomach can get stabbed by a hundred spears any moment, and my mind can get overwhelmed by a hundred questions. Indeed, life's getting a little bit difficult.
That's not much of a problem for me, for it has been always that way ever since I was born. It's nothing for me to worry about really, as I, tRanChor, has the mental fortitude of a hundred men. I basically eat suffering and existential crisis for breakfast.
But if it's really nothing to worry about, then I shouldn't have written this article, right? The reason I'm writing this here, is because, what seemed like a daily 5% increase in difficulty of my daily life, now feels like it's increasing by about 15-20%.
I feel as if my resolve is being tested once again, as if I'm undergoing an intense training as a preparation for the possible future.
Within this period of time, I have learned the following truths of life, which I have probably already learned before but I just forgotten about it.
(Ah shit, my stomach like it's getting pierced again, every time my mind gets the tiniest bit overwhelmed, my tummy cries out in pain. That's the fourth time today, gosh my periods are getting worse haha.)
Anyway, one of the first things I learned within this hellish week is that life, for us humans, has no inherent meaning, purpose, nor reason. Even though spiritually speaking there exist an afterlife and we're here to gain survival experience, it would be for the best if we believe what we see — that everything are just mere coincidences, and there's really no meaning to this life.
Think of it as a bunch of meaningless chaos assembled together in random ways which provide the "reality" we experience in this moment. A human's life is nothing more than a bunch meaningless bits and atoms coincidentally organized to form the slightest bit of structure which we have now.
This structure can and will keep changing to different forms, it will be destroyed just as easily as it was formed, and it will be restructured just as how it was destroyed.
Everything can change within an instant. The great thing about this is that there's no need for us to answer every question, give reason to every event, and give purpose to every action.
Thus, just as how we have freed ourselves from the suffocating chains of materialism and hedonism, it is now time for us to free ourselves once again from the inefficient shackles of existentialism and rationalism. We do not need any reason to wake up every morning. We do not need any purpose to live our life to the fullest. And we do not need to have meaningful lives to be happy.
A question can exist on its own! It does not need to be answered to have a purpose. Similarly, we do not need a reason to want or do something. There is no need for us to forge logical explanations and meaningful purpose just to do something. We can do whatever we want, just because we want to.
The only thing that matters are our actions. No reason weighs just as much as multiple reasons when they both lead to the same action. We place too much importance on meaning, purpose, and reason, that we find ourselves unable to act without it.
Just do what you need to do. Just do whatever it is you want to do. It has always been that simple, and it will always be.
The amount of failures and mistakes I've had within this week have increased tremendously. Just as how veteran soldiers feel like gunshots and explosions are just music to their ears, I feel as if my failures are like the ground I'm standing on, and the bed I'm sleeping on.
It's getting so repetitive now that I've gotten very comfortable with it. I used to get completely knocked down with just a single failure, but I'm pretty much immune to it now.
I have realized that failure will always be around me, keeping my feet on the ground like gravity. There's really no way to completely avoid them, even if you try to cover yourself in a closed metal cage, failure will still be there with you. In a way, that's pretty comforting.
It's like the air you breathe, the only way you would be able to avoid failure is when you stopped breathing. So let's just embrace it, try to learn something when we fail, then keep getting up whenever we fall. It's always there for us, so let's be there for it as well.
Another uncomfortable truth I learned is that I will never be satisfied in any object or activity, because I will always be wanting for more and more, never satiating the thirst I have. I have noticed that no matter how much I play games or watch movies, they never satisfy me.
The only that seems to satisfy me is whenever I'm doing some work, like when I'm writing an article like this. Everything else other than work feels like a waste of time as they never make me any progress nor satisfy me.
I could sleep as much as I want, but it will never satisfy me either. I'm someone who belongs and thrives in the battlefield, I find extremely sad and difficult to live anywhere else. I only feel complete when I'm in the middle of a struggle, when I'm pushing boulders uphill. Taking rests and having fun don't make me happy at all.
For the rest of my life, I must continuously work for myself and push boulders uphill, because those seem to be the only things that matter to me. Everything else are just a a distraction from my work. I must wake up each day, eat food, and sleep so I can be continue to work more.
Only those who are connected with other successful people becomes successful. Only those who are connected with rich people in some way become rich. Success is mostly a matter of luck and relationships, not intellect, effort, or anything else.
Those who want to be successful, must find a way to get close and connect themselves to those that are already successful. Either those people could be your boss, clients, customers, family member, relative, classmate, or friend.
Basically, any method works, as long as you develop a close relationship with those who are already successful.
Therefore, a bunch of unsuccessful people gathering and working together will never amount to anything, much less a solitary person without anyone else.
I have observed that the amount of risk a person takes is directly correlated to their luck. The more risk someone takes, the higher their luck is. With this principle in mind, we can infer that life is a gamble, and those who always play it safe will never amount to anything.
Risk takers always have a chance to win something big that can change their life, while those who don't take any risks, who play it slow and steady, might be able to make a few changes, but they'll eventually reach the ceiling point where the only way to change anything would be to risk something big and be uncomfortable with it.
Speaking of comfort, life is like a game where you have to spend your comfort points for a chance to increase your comfort even more. It's like a tycoon where you have to keep spending your comfort points and be uncomfortable, just so you can upgrade and expand your comfort zones even more.
If you're already comfortable with your current comfort and situation, then there's no need to spend your comfort points, but if you're extremely uncomfortable with your situation, it would make it even more uncomfortable to spend your remaining comfort points just so you can upgrade your life. It's worth it though.
The destination of success lies in the territory of the unknown and the uncertain. No one has the map to reach the end of a rainbow. Those who don't strive to explore the unknown and the wander around, should never expect to reach success or see anything new.
Indeed, it's true — nothing ventured, nothing gained. Staying in one spot all the time within the land of the known will never amount to success. Those who want to be successful, must be curious adventurers, ready to explore the unknown and create their own map towards success.
There's no way you can find treasures on a public road. Learn to explore the land of the unknown and wander off road. After all, most treasures are hidden on the most remote places.
Good grief. I tried to live a life without any meaning, purpose, reason, or plans today. It can't even be called a life. It's darkness. How is this possible? Are my calculations really wrong? But it's logically correct and efficient.
Maybe I should go back to living a meaningful and rational life for now. It seems that my calculations are still incomplete.
Ugh... I feel like my body is crumbling and my mind is breaking apart. On the other hand, I can now feel the ground I'm standing on, I can feel the entire planet below me. What a crazy feeling.
Not good. My mind is completely on defensive state. I can't even find the confidence to interact with random online people. Am I just tired? Or something else? Ahh what a life... Looks like my progress and self-improvement will be frozen for quite a while.
Gosh I can't even resolve my own problems. I've never felt so incompetent and weak before. It's okay, it's okay. I'm still alive. I can still move. I can still fight... What is it that I'm fighting for?
"Shit. I can't let myself drink depresso espresso no matter what. Is this going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy again?"
"Does any of life, makes sense to you? Because it doesn't."
"There's no more vulnerable host than a tired body and a weak mind."