The worst part about losing a part of your memories is only realizing that you have lost a part of your memories several weeks later.
Ever since I won the grand jackpot, my schedule has been a complete mess. 4 days of sleeping at 2 AM. But yesterday I slept at 12 AM. Breaking habits is hard. While I did sleep for a few hours this afternoon, I'd like to go back to when my sleeping schedule was still 10 PM.
Impulsivity can be defined as a measure of one's susceptibility to their emotions. The more frequent someone follows their strong emotions and desires that seem to came out of nowhere, the more impulsive they are.
A person with regular itch and pain from chronic urticaria, anxious about the future, socially isolated, and have sleep problems is naturally more impulsive than someone who's none of these.
What's worse is that not only is my sleep schedule completely broken, my nap schedule has completely disappeared without a trace. My morning nap and afternoon nap that used to anchor me is completely gone. Within this past week, I was only able to take a nap this afternoon.
Rather than scratching every limb or drowning oneself in dopamine, there are many things I'd like to do. I have to check the UHRS thing. Check the saved screenshots. Write a plan for a guild. Learn to use GitHub and upload my first open source. Create the guild. Make progress on guild matters. Create an IRC watchlist. Test the irc bouncer thing. The problem is, even a mere thought about any of these things amplify the pain and itch.
But what is pain and itch but electrical signals that my brain loves reacting to? Even if it feels like one is bleeding from every pore, one must keep their wits and their breathing with them, not letting every matter disrupt them or force them into rigidity.
I will at sleep at 10 PM this time... But that's what I also said yesterday before sleeping at 12 AM. Thus, I'll say something new. I shall sleep at 10 PM this time. Then I will wake up at 5:30 AM, eat the food I've saved last night and get to business. If I cannot be productive while sitting, then I'll do it while walking. And if I cannot be productive anymore, then I'll take my morning nap.
Why am I doing this? Why do I have to struggle so hard?
I have nothing, nothing important to me except the ten thousand abstractions that live inside my head. I'm not as productive as I think I am, neither am I as generous as I would like to be. Would you choose to be safe or be kind? Even if I would always answer the latter, my actions until now have always said the former. I am no different. In fact, I might be even worse. All this plans I wrote tonight might be forgotten tomorrow. No one will blame me if I choose to waste my life all day long, screaming and contorting from relentless attacks of pain.
But that's no fun at all. Even now, I'm staring at the cloudy night sky without a single star, because I know, I definitely know that the stars haven't disappeared at all. I just know.. they're still there. They'll always be. And that's why, this night sky, is still as beautiful as ever.
I know this build sucks. That my early game was awful. And the enemy team is fed. But is it really wrong, if I wanted to enjoy this game a little bit more, a little bit longer? After all, there are hundreds of thousands of possibilities I haven't pulled yet. Their probabilities?
It doesn't matter.
I can see it. As long as I can see it, I can make it happen.
Don't worry, I still have the rest of my remaining lifetime to bet on it.