There is a burning inferno within me, contained within giant glaciers of circumspection and permafrost eyes.
I thought I'll feel better going outside the park. Yet because I am unable to repress any of my emotions and desires due to my extraordinary awareness, I have no choice but to suppress them. The price I pay for containing this burning inferno is my own sanity. Everyday that passes, my insides burn hotter and my emotions become more unstable. I fear that I may someday explode and blackout from completely losing my sanity.
It burns, it burns. It feels as if I'm trying to walk straight with bloodshot eyes, shaking arms and legs. Ugh. I need blood. I'm thirsty for blood. I need to bite. But I don't want to, I'm a human being, I don't want to drink any blood. Just a drop of blood would do. I'd rather die than to drink blood. It burns so much.
Hm maybe it won't hurt to drink some blood. No, I can't do that, I can't afford that. I have to wait and endure, just for three years more. I have to hold it in for three more years. I can do this, I have to do this.
There is nothing more miserable than being unable to open any doors that one spends their entire life sitting in front of a door waiting for someone to open it and invite them inside. Just like this skeleton in front of me, who's too fearful to even knock on the door that they never once saw what's inside the door. Such a pitiful being, it must have died from starvation and dehydration. Fortunately, I'm a ghost, I can easily go through walls and doors so I don't need to open any doors. I don't know how long I've been living as a ghost now nor do I know what I kind of person I am before I died.
As a ghost, I've observed the lives of countless humans. It's rather funny to see them hesitating and being afraid, only to see them die from a terrible accident tomorrow. It's ridiculous, it feels as if seeing gamers play on an internet cafe and make terrible choices. It's something one can never understand unless they have tried playing the same game. The first-person view is just so much more immersive and difficult compared to being a third-person spectator without any stakes in the game.
One who has nothing to lose can never understand how to feels to play when you have everything to lose. The stakes are perpetually high, as if every wrong move you make will turn everything upside down. Yet for some strange reason, despite making ten thousand wrong moves, nothing has turned upside down, as if something is deliberately keeping us in the game. And sometimes despite making the right wrong, something still turns upside down. We can say therefore, that choices cannot affect more than half of our life.
Being a ghost for hundreds of years, I have seen almost everything there is to see that almost anything I witness is simply another predictable repetition of some old pattern from the past. I have seen for myself that humans often desire the same thing, being humans they are, yet somehow they cannot get along because none of them dares to say what it is they desire. Rather, they confuse each other and quarrel over the most trivial things.
I have seen countless empires rise and fall. Even the tallest of trees are eventually uprooted. No institution will ever be strong enough to stand the test of time. What's weird today becomes mandatory tomorrow, what's mandatory today becomes trivial tomorrow. The "tomorrow" in this context refers to hundreds of years. Almost nothing in this world will ever be the same. For everything that's visible becomes hidden and those who are hidden are made visible.
My brain trembles. I can't believe how little it takes for me to become intoxicated by someone's kindness and sincerity. It feels as if seeing sunlight for the first time in ten thousand years, my eyes get burned in ecstasy and delight. My first instinct is to bite and chew the sun that caused me to be like this. My second instinct is to swallow and digest the sun so that it would remain with me forever. On second thought, this might be dangerous, I might burn myself even more that not even my ashes would be left.
Let's be careful. Yet I have been too careful in my entire life that I've been driven to extreme frenzy to remove the harness and let go of the rope. Fortunately, my spiritual foundation is stable enough to maintain what little sanity I have left. Regardless of how often my mind is stretched, twisted, and burned, it simply won't break apart. Somehow, I think it would easier to just break apart than to keep holding on, yet that is just spiritually impossible for me.
Perhaps all of this happens because I'm simply too greedy for freedom that I cannot be content with what I have. If I simply let go of all my dreams, if I let go of my desire for food and water, then maybe I won't be thirsty, hungry, or greedy anymore. This too, is rather impossible. There is just no way that I can let go of my dreams. They're my primary source of meaning — without dreams, my life would feel meaningless and useless. Even if I'm pushed to the brink of death, I will never let go of my dreams.
To live my life without any dreams is like staring every night at the sky without any moon or stars. After all, how can one navigate themselves in the darkness of the night without the stars to guide them? Likewise, I can only endure the coldness of the night through being mesmerized by the constant twinkling of the stars. As long as there are stars in the night sky, I will never lose hope nor forget about my dreams.
"When others burn their surroundings just so they won't burn themselves, I would burn myself just so I do not harm my surroundings."
"Those who can contain and nurture their ever-burning flame, shall gain power beyond their wildest imagination."
"For whosever holds the flame close to their heart, shall cast the largest shadow than anyone else."