Analyzing life as if looking from a chessboard.
The current structure of my life in relation to long-term progress and activities is that I'm currently a second-year introvert student. I'm currently on a one month vacation before school year starts. There are at least three more years left before I can conveniently move out and become independent.
The main players of my life is me, my parents, and my sisters. The main settings of my life is the home and school. In regards to direction, I'm currently heading the path of financial and spiritual growth at more than average speed. I'll probably reach a milestone before next year.
In regards to routine, my daily life is mostly stable. The most beneficial activities seem to be meditation, writing, and spiritual reading. The most destructive activities seem to be internal complaining and obsession with external freedom.
In regards to family routine, their actions are mostly predictable and normal. Sometimes exploding with negative energy from time to time. Sometimes giving ridiculous house chores. Overall, it's pretty manageable and tolerable. It takes less than 50% of energy usage.
The latest events is that the oldest sister is probably going to be living in a boarding house with an allowance next week. There might be a huge structure shift within the family. At least 30% additional house chores is expected. At least 20% increase in negative energy is expected due to the forced growth that will happen to the younger sisters without the eldest sister.
The current mental state pollution is higher than average. Thoughts are often reaching past the speed limits without awareness. Emotional reactivity is 30% higher than average. Still quite tolerable. Takes at least 60% of energy usage.
Physical, mental, and spiritual faculties are highly developed. Social faculties remain gravely underdeveloped. It seems I might be severely lacking in social experiences.
I have the tendency to experience the following status effects. It might be better to remain vigilant of them.
It seems I also have some positive status effects that keeps my stable throughout the day:
We are now going to consider the possible good moves we can make at this point in our life. Remember that problems cannot be solved outside of their context. Giving solutions rashly is like blindly making a chess move without looking at the entire board.
With regards to social development, perhaps we can develop our piece. But before giving any solutions, let's define the context: I am an introvert, socially averse, not because I am shy but because I have no interest. Thus, the solution "just talk to more people" is never going to work. Let's define the context more.
I am not interested because my standards are high, my expectations of people are low. Casual conversations are a waste of my time. I do not need emotional support either. The only thing worth my time in social stuff are productive, deep, and thought-provoking conversations. I feel that my time is more meaningful when spent reading, writing, or learning than talking to others.
Problem: Underdeveloped social faculties
Context: Extreme introversion from lack of social experience
Structure: Lack of social satisfaction and high social anxiety leading to high standards and low expectations.
Function: Increased Productivity?
Time: Not urgent but important
Possible solutions:
- Challenge deeply held beliefs of social interactions
- Experience actually productive and good social interactions
- Exposure therapy for anxiety
I think I'm becoming more emotionally reactive lately because of my obsession with money, productivity, and progress. Perhaps I can try to balance it out with two meditations each day and setting aside an absolute free time where I'm free from both emotional influences and social influences. The keyword is Balance, the method is Relinquishment, and the goal is Freedom.
Problem: High Emotional Reactivity
Context: Unexpected events and high household emotional pollution triggers it
Structure: The Hustling and Progress Guilt status effects increases emotional reactivity, along with lack of balance and rest.
Function: Increased forgetfulness and distractions
Possible solutions:
- Double meditation
- Absolute free time
- Relinquishment of life, self, possessions
I'm spending about three hours a day on the phone to earn $10 - $20 per month using the play to earn game Hero Blaze. It's a very repetitive and quite a soul sucking game. Is it really worth it?
This money making activity stemmed from the feeling of social powerlessness which is a reaction from perceived scarcity and inadequacy. I don't feel so scarce or inadequate anymore, even if I do, I know that knowledge would fill the gap more than money, and wisdom will fill the gap more than knowledge. Do I have any reason to continue it?
Well, there's no need for a reason. If one doesn't like something, then it's okay to abandon or leave it. And I don't really like how I have to spend three hours of my day earning something so little. It's no different than earning through solving captcha. Sure, I'd like some money for my trading capital, but I can always borrow money if I simply polish my trading skills to the max. This way, knowledge is far superior than money.
Hmm still, I have one hero blaze account which I've been playing for more than seven months now. It earns me $10 per month for only 30 minutes of my time. And those 30 minutes of gaming, I can do while eating, walking outside, and crossing the streets.
So I guess I'll abandon my two other accounts? They can earn $10 a month too if I simply play them for an hour each day for every account in five months. If I do abandon them, I'll have extra 2 hours of free time for myself, which can be meaningless if I don't do any mind management. After all, all time management techniques are useless if there's no mind management at all. Since I'll be abandoning those two accounts, perhaps I'll replace them with learning new things.
If I abandon them, I'll be saying goodbye to dozens of free time I invested on those two new accounts. But then that's life anyway, we have to be quick in accepting and letting go, so as not to get left behind.
I only have three weeks of free time before classes begins. I can't simply afford to spend them all binge reading ten thousand webtoons. I can't simply afford to spend them all feeling guilty and bad about myself. Neither can I afford to spend them all on hustling and progress, which would only tire me out in the end.
Learning and Research are my strongest suit. I don't need any money. What I need the most right now is the wisdom to realize that I don't need any material possessions to live, the knowledge to use the remaining stuff I have, and the determination to keep going, without ever looking back.
I don't have to pressure myself. I don't have to force myself. What I'm about to do isn't a school project or a homework. I'm doing this because I want to. I will learn everything. I will know everything. I will see to it that even if I'm living in complete solitude, nothing will ever be hidden from me. This is my dedication, my determination, and my move.
"It's often refreshing to see our lives in an objective point of view, not in the socio-cultural perspective, but in truly objective perspective."
"Solutions must naturally fit the problem, not the other way round. We cannot fit the problem into our solutions."
"Determination may create the flames of passion but passion cannot create determination."