TW: G"re, D"ath, Su"cide, R"pe, Blo"d
Recorded at 3:15 AM Friday, March 25 2022
It was on the bus terminal. There's a line of busses on my right and on my left, about 10 meters away from me.
There are a lot of people inside the buses on my left and right, and I feel as if they are all judging me, condoning me for something I've done. I feel so miserable, as if I'm stuck with such great and heavy darkness surrounding me.
I feel as if I have nowhere to go. So I walked slowly, like a zombie away from the people who are condoning and hating me. I walked southward. There's a large space on my back and on my front.
As I walked forward and forward, the people on the busses left and right who hated me have long passed behind me. The people inside the busses are getting fewer and fewer, as I keep walking like a zombie. The busses eventually became silent, but I'm noticing that more and more I moved forward the windows of the busses becomes more bloody.
I do not know how many steps I have taken forward. "Those who hated and condoned me are long past behind me, but what happened? What the hell is this place? This is a massacre... so much dead people, so much blood inside the busses. Who could possibly did that to them?"
But I am in no mind to care about such thing. All I'm doing is walking southward forward, as if all the heavens and earth have crushed upon me. I can see the abyss within my eyes, the heavy aura of darkness surrounding me, and my the terrifying hopeless feeling as I'd there will be no more tomorrow.
All this feelings intensify as I walk more and see more brutally dead people inside the windows of the busses.
"The world has forsaken me, I don't care about them anymore. I don't care if they all die." Still walking... as I kept walking. The new busses on my right and left becomes more bloody and intense. I saw a naked corpse of a woman whose legs are covered in white sticky liquid hanging just inside the door of the bus.
I saw an entire family bloody and dead. I saw... I saw... I can't remember it anymore. I have walked so far and reached the end of the terminal. The southern wall is 20 meters in front of me. Surprisingly, there's few people alive in the last busses.
They are saying something. What is it? I can't hear them. I don't care about them. There's few armed people getting closer to me on my back. Why? What did I do to deserve this? They are judging me again. Everyone seems to be trying to inflict punishment to me by just existing.
I'm tired of all this. Then as they get close to me, I reached out in my pocket and got a pistol on my hand [huh where did I get it] (the way I held the pistol looks like I'm proficient at using it). The armed people behind me are pressuring me.
I don't want to be punished. I don't to be judged. I do not want to live. I immediately pointed the gun in a rush to my head and fired without hesitation. I missed. It seems I was too much in a hurry. But that shot was enough to stop the armed people from getting close to me.
The reactions of a girl whose face is covered with blood inside the bus seems to became more intense. Is she crying? Is she screaming? I can't hear anything. I don't care about anything. I pointed the gun again on my head slowly the second time, BANG.
I woke up in a hospital. My nerves feels impaired. I can barely move my muscles and joints. My shoulder feels so weak. Why am I still alive? People comes and go inside my room, as if they know me or something, I can't remember who they are.
"Gosh what the hell was that, I felt as if I just experienced the psychology of a suicidal person. I should have died though." I thought to myself. I see a detective working on my case and asked me some questions. He brought someone who seems like an expert ans someone I know that I can't remember.
I can barely think, so I wasn't able to properly answer his questions. He reminds me of Inspector Lunge from the Monster Anime. He asked the person he brought on why do people suicide.
Then I heard a clear answer:
"It's because of the weight. They feel as if the people around them are weighing them, and because of that, they feel mentally 'heavier'. As they feel heavier, they start to notice and see darker versions of reality, one that we could not even imagine. In just a moment time, they will be living an entirely different world from us, a world filled with only malice, darkness, suffering, and despair. Then a situation will come and trigger them. When that happens, it's all over for them."
Gosh I never felt so much more understood. That person truly understands me. How nice. It was difficult trying to live with impaired nerves and weak shoulders. I feel as if my entire body is constantly falling apart...
The scene changes. I found myself again in the same place, same feeling, and same situation as before — within the southmost section of the bus terminal. This time, I want to ensure it. This time, I want to end it all and everything.
Again, I made sure that the pistol is reloaded. Some people are approaching me again, they're not armed this time. I slowly placed the end of the pistol on my right side of tbe forehead, closed my eyes, and pulled the trigger.
"You can't die yet." I hear a faint voice in my mind, "where did it came from? Most importantly, why the duck is the trigger not working!?" Then I suddenly passed out.
It seems that someone managed to stop me. They probably fired a taser or tranquilizer. I'm at hospital again, with the same impaired nerves and weak shoulders. J
Woah what the hell? Did a celestial just interfered with the physical laws of reality and stopped me from dying? Holy sheep, I didn't know this was possible. Last time I checked, that was illegal. I must write about this! I must write about the psychology of suicidal people too!
Then I woke up. Looks like it's just a dream. One hell of a crazy dream. I moved my shoulders and its still working fine, I'm so relieved. I'll write all this dream and get back to sleep.