November 16, 2022
The house has been renovated twice. Two old doors closed, two new doors opened. Two of my sisters are currently sick, presumably from school fatigue, shouting at each other every 5 minutes, and from the cold climate.
So much has changed within these past two months. My favorite webtoon app and game, I've uninstalled them all. No more binge reading. I've finished watching all my anime except the slice of life one, which is so dramatic and full that I can only watch an episode per day.
The legendary ebook "The Power of Now", has drastically changed my life five times already, and I'm only halfway to completing it. Now, I'm always practicing to stay present in the now, without daydreaming about the future or blaming the past.
I have raised my level of consciousness to the point that arguments and conflicts affect me no more. I can see that they aren't the ones making the conflict, but their hurt and threatened ego, that is most paranoid and defensive, seeing everything as a threat to their existence.
I cannot bear to annihilate those who are acting out only because they're unconscious and defending themselves, so I'm always practicing the art of nonresistance.
Because I'm living in the present more, my level of presence has increased, allowing me to talk more to others than usual, do annoying house chores with ease, and find missing items without any difficulty.
Still, wherever I'm tired, I find my mind going back to its old ways, experiencing a drop in consciousness, and identifying itself with its current situation. Just a few hours ago, I was writing diagrams and quotes about how to be more free, then after that, the fatigue hits, my consciousness fades, and my mind is suddenly scared of everything.
It's okay to be scared, it's not something we can control, but something we can accept. Ironically, if we accept something we can't control, we somehow become able to control it subconsciously, but if we focused again on controlling it, then we'll lose our control again.
It's like there's a ghost on the corner of your eye but if you try to look at it, it would simply disappear. Very relatable, right?
So when that sudden drop of consciousness hits, my mind patterns suddenly changed from "remain present, everything's going to be okay" to "look at the future, your life is going downhill! you haven't become rich at all!". Which of course, that fear leads to escapism, and eats up all my time until it's satisfied.
Then when I wake up from my unconsciousness, I realized all the devastating and lame stuff I did because I chose to pursue material security instead of just taking a good nap.
Who would have known that the consequences of not taking an afternoon nap can be this severe? Even a 30 minute nap would do better than sabotaging your time, emotions, and identity doing trivial things.
Still, it already happened. As someone practicing the art of nonresistance, I must accept everything that happens, already happened, and will probably happen.
So if I messed up, I must accept that I messed up. If I made a mistake by not accepting something, then I must accept that I cannot or don't want to accept that something.
This art of nonresistance may seem passive, but it helps us turn away from non-existent problems towards living our life. It means that when a milk suddenly spilled, then the immediate reaction is Acceptance where we clean the spill and make another milk, and not saying "Oh no! How much did that milk cost? Am I going to buy more of it again? No, no, no it can't be!".
My mind feels peaceful, lighter, and more transparent than before. It's like letting go of 10 kilograms of unnecessary baggage on my back. It feels weird, I sometimes feel as if I'm still carrying that baggage even when it's not on my back anymore.
If there's something I learned today, is that just as how we shouldn't identify our immortal self with our passing thoughts and emotions, we shouldn't identify ourselves with the present situation either.
Being present is good, but identifying oneself with the present isn't good. The present, is just as fleeting as our thoughts and emotions. We must not identify our immortal self to anything that is fleeting, anything that can change in the next second.
I made the mistake of identifying myself with my present situation when I got a sudden drop in consciousness, thinking:
"Look at that, I'm still living the same life and the same situation 5 years ago! There must be something wrong with me! I still don't have any real life friends, any form of income flow, and a new house for me to live in.
Oh no, I'm going to be stuck here forever, I'll be friendless and penniless forever! I must do something, something, ah money! I can buy friends with money as well. I must find more ways to earn money right now!"
So I spent another few hours of my time using Upwork and registering to paid online survey websites.
Which is lame, because everytime I do that, it gives me the feeling that I am entrusting my happiness and life to an uncertain future result, as if my entire life depended on my employer's whims.
After that, I woke up from my sudden drop of consciousness and regained my presence. It was incredibly stupid indeed, and I accept that I did that.
Why is it stupid? For three main reasons:
There's no excuses from any of that, only acceptance. The future may give hope, but change can only be realized in the present, through our actions. Friends may save someone from isolation, but they would realize that they still feel empty even if they're with friends. Being a worker first may give you business capital, but it would suck your soul, making it more difficult to start a business.
Anything that has the potential to disappear at any point in time, are unreal, they are illusions. Clinging to illusions is clinging to pain. Enjoy them while it last, but never cling, get attached, or be addicted to them.
Indeed, the only thing that would make us satisfied and complete is freedom. The freedom to live in the present, accept that you'll still cry, need food, need money, feel fear, and feel pain, but live beyond them.
Hm you want me to explain more, but I can't do that, even if I do, you won't understand or accept it. Practice the basics first: Accept, surrender, and live in the present moment, not with your mind, but with every fiber of your Being.
Once we managed to master those basics, then we will know by ourselves the next step we need to take.
Going back to my life, practicing the basics above really does wonders. I'm now able to freely recite in class and make all my fears disappear by accepting them all. And that's coming from the silent kid in class, the introvert who never speaks a word.
I haven't mastered the basics yet, but it's already working far better than most "lose weight quick" diet plans on the internet. I can only wonder how much more I'll improve once I finished that legendary ebook.
Although everything around me looks like it's still the same, everything inside me has changed. I am no longer the person I am yesterday, literally. It feels so great and wonderful, that my sense of identity isn't anchored on my past mistakes, my present situation, or my possible future.
I am not my emotions, thoughts, and actions either. I simply am. My sense of self is now rooted with something timeless and formless inside, something immortal and powerful. My past circumstances and my present situation no longer define me.
I feel completely at peace due to the fact that whatever happens in the present or future, I will still be at peace.
A life where I don't feel forced to do anything, yet I want to do everything. A life where I don't make any plans for the future, yet I have nothing to fear and worry about.
Yes, this is the life. I'm living the dream.
"Being present is encouraged, but identifying yourself with the present is a different matter."
"Did you know? A person would stand up for themselves more and set proper boundaries by practicing acceptance and nonresistance."
"The solution is so simple that our ego cannot accept it. After all, the tragic story we worked so hard to build for ourselves, the hundreds of diagnosis and sickness we received, would be resolved in such an easy manner? Of course, it should be wrong! The ego wants more conflict, suffering, and drama!"