The concept of free time is simply terrifying. Its existence alone implies that you're not free most of the time. If one needs free time to exercise their freedom, are they truly free?
To be honest, I have no ducking idea what to do. The crowded people somehow influences me too compare myself to others and think of myself in relation to social status and standing. The terrifying emptiness is tempting me to jump in the abyss of pleasure, to binge read all day long.
What to do? There's nothing else to do but to write. What does writing do? Nothing, it simply helps keep my sanity, to keep me afloat in the vast ocean of emptiness as if every word becomes a platform, a life vest that will prevent me from sinking into the abyss, or so I think.
It's just another compulsion. All this crowd motion and movement around me makes me feel like doing something, and if I don't do anything, I'm supposed to sink in the so-called abyss.
I dislike thinking about social stuff or comparing my social status to anyone. It's a foolish metric. Two types of people that can change my life are rich people and strange people. Should I hunt? Why should I? Directly insisting and asking for what I want is unthinkable but going the long way is perfectly permissible.
Instead of going through the door, I'd rather dig the ground until I reach the other side. Sure, it's ten thousand times more work but it's cool, they say efforts can't betray you after all.
Digging the ground is difficult. Sometimes I just consume the entire internet instead. Then go back to digging the ground. I wonder, will I reach the other side first or will the hole I dug become my grave? It's an interesting scenario to think about.
Hmm at least there's no people. No rejection. No failure. If I die, I die silently, without depending anyone to dig me a grave or bury me, as I have already dug my own hole. Truly independent I am. I wonder, how else can I rationalize this foolish act such that it will make perfect sense?
Well let's say I'm doing it for spirituality, for practices of austerity. Now it makes perfect sense.
Ugh I'm getting tired... of eating the soil, of eating the internet. It would be nice if I can simply faint, crush the doors, and hunt everyone in my sleep until they are no more.
Sounds scary. Nope. Let's just keep digging. I'll reach the other side someday, maybe that other side is Enlightenment or maybe it's the afterlife. It doesn't matter.