Humans sell their time for meaning.
Every human being has a lifetime supply of time. People spend their lives selling their time for various things in life: meaning, money, and knowledge. A boring day happens when one sells their time for low amounts of meaning compared to their perceived self-worth. A good day happens when one sells their time for high amounts of meaning that is equal or greater to their perceived self-worth.
Any action generates a base amount of meaning. More difficult actions with more impact gives higher amounts of meaning. Any experience where they learned something important also gives high amount of meaning. The base meaning people get from every action is multiplied by the goals they have. People with greater goals and ambitions in life has a higher goal multiplier than those without. So even if they do the same things in a single day as those without any ambitions, their survival itself gives them a higher multiplier that comes from the percentage of their goals. Unfortunately, people who are serious about their dreams and ambitions are required by their ambitions to hold themselves in high regard, which means they have a higher daily quota for meaning, and they'll be dissatisfied for the day if they didn't meet it.
If goals, dreams, and ambitions multiplies base meaning, then social interactions and shared experiences exponentially increases it. There doesn't have to be a direct social interaction for this to happen. As long as there's a possibility to be seen, it would give a tiny exponential increase. But if there's a possibility to be seen by many people for a long time, then it would give a good exponential increase. However, if an action were to be immediately and certainly seen by a crowd of people, then it would give a great exponential increase. Keep in mind that all of this depends on the person's perceived meaning, which differs from each person because of their differences in values, purpose, and preferences. Therefore, it is impossible to assign an absolute base value for every action.
Thus, the formula for meaning is:
(Base action * Goals)^Social interactions over time
From this, we can understand why people seek social interactions so much even for the most trivial of things. The exponential multiplier that social interactions provide is simply too much to pass off and too easy to do. Unfortunately, as someone who spent most of my life in solitude, I do not have such a big exponential multiplier like others. So how did I survive without getting depressed from lack of meaning? I may not have satisfying social connections but I do have an absolutely massive and colossal set of dreams and ambitions, which I am infinitely serious about. Thus, my goal multiplier is so ridiculously big, that my daily meaning revenue is often equal or greater to other humans with lots of social connections but do trivial actions with little goals.
Yet because of my gigantic dreams, I hold myself in the highest regard and set extremely high standards for myself. This means I am often dissatisfied with my daily life despite earning higher daily meaning revenue than the average person. But it's not the fault of my dreams, not everyone with big dreams are dissatisfied with their daily life. I am only like this because I am too easily overwhelmed by possibilities, uncertainties, and imperfections. A grain of sand such as myself dared to arrogantly covet the heavens, this is the price I pay for it. But it is a price that I am willing to pay for the rest of my life. I shall hold onto my dreams even if it's the only thing I can realistically do about it.
Why is it that I am easily overwhelmed by possibilities, uncertainties, and imperfections? An average person often gets a few choices to choose from for each situation and conversation. But me? As someone who can see so much possibilities, I can see HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS OF CHOICES FOR EVERY SITUATION AND CONVERSATION. Unfortunately, the time limit for replying to a real life conversation is often WAY TOO LOW that they begin they think that I'm not interested before I can even pick a choice! My overthinking is simply in another level, no, it's in another dimension. Perhaps my desire for the highest versions of truth and authenticity eroded my sense of mental heuristics and deleted many of my mental filters. Since I can see so many possibilities, I can also see how a person's ignorance can harm themselves and everyone around them for several years, so I cannot stand imperfection; I CANNOT STAND HOW IT DARES TO HARM PEOPLE WITHOUT THEM KNOWING.
In the end, this made me all but paralyzed. It is equivalent to a low-leveled character equipping the end-game weapons and armor which are way out of their league that they cannot even move. Except I didn't equip them, these equipment fucking forced themselves and equipped me! I have no idea how to fucking unequip them without dying.
Going back to the discussion of meaning, I think it would be for the best if I get more serious in meeting my daily meaning quota from now on. Today was unsatisfying because I sold a lot of time just for meaningless entertainment. While it was fun, the meaning I received was way too little than what I would have usually received if I worked on my dreams instead.
Interestingly, I've observed that while I am easily overwhelmed by uncertainty, possibilities, and imperfections; the things that make up life, I am barely affected by pain, itch, and suffering. Maybe this is because my will to death is greater than my will to life, that my death instinct is stronger than my life instinct? I've gotten so used to extreme pain and itch that I see them as something normal and natural to life, yet the average person would strangely cry and grunt whenever they experience it. Perhaps I'm just playing life in the most defensive way possible, that I can no longer jump with such heavy armor or eat while wearing a steel helmet.
I would love to end the article right now and just binge read manwhas before going to sleep but... I NEED QUESTIONS.
So why? Why am I like this? Why am I playing life defensively? Perhaps I am defending myself from a great lonel- solitude. I have always seen loneliness as a pathetic word, a word invented by weak mortals who cannot accept the primal state of existence, solitude, that they seek to depend on others who are often unreliable and unpredictable. But no matter how much I deny it, I have observed that several of my actions, reflect a silent yearning, a deep longing to get out of this abyssal and limitless loneliness that should have annihilated me a long time ago. It's as if I drowned in the sea, but instead of dying, I sunk to the bottom of the sea floor, completely awake and conscious the entire time, forever experiencing the feeling of being crushed by immense pressure and drowning each second without getting any closer to death. Nah that was a little bit exaggerated.
So yeah, I am one of those pathetic weak mortals who feel loneliness instead of solitude. I... I wanted something I can never have. Instead of accepting the things I cannot control like a stoic, I LAMENTED THEM! I CURSED THEM! Instead of being content with what I have, I... I CRAVED WHAT I DID NOT HAVE, I DESIRED THINGS THAT ARE BEYOND MY REACH, AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO DISAPPOINTED WITH MYSELF.
Heh, writing this article gave me over ten thousand points of meaning, I guess this day isn't so bad after all!