I failed. The deadline has officially passed. And I have submitted... nothing. I... am incompetent.
It was a group project of 3 members. No one invited me as usual. I foolishly thought that someone would invite me eventually just like in the previous group projects. But it was a grave mistake, one that eventually led me to my doom. I waited for days when I should have already started working. It was too late when I decided to start doing the project by myself. There was only a few days left before the deadline. Yet I still procrastinated. That was my second mistake, procrastinating despite the little time I have left.
I should have known. I should have known that most friend groups contain a minimum of 3 members. Such that all those without a friend group and without a spine to invite or join other groups, will be completely isolated. They only invited me in the past because it was a 4-member or 5-member group project, so there was additional slots for me. But this time, there is only a maximum of 3 members. I am idiot, a fool, for expecting something, expecting that the fruit would fall from the tree if I simply wait when there so few fruits left.
And now I'm almost finished with the group project. I am completely familiar with the entire script. I have memorized the first half of the script. So I decided to take a few hours of rest playing Balatro. Unfortunately, the teacher dropped a bomb in the group chat without warning: the final submission will be on 12 noon. And you know what's worse?
I saw that message 1 hour past noon...
Usually, there's always an extension for one week after the deadline for the final project. But there was none. The extension was only one and a half day. And there was no prior announcements or reminders, except one hour before the final death line. It's my fault for assuming things to be always true just because they were true in the past. It's my fault for expecting generosity in a cruel world. This is my third mistake.
My sister arrived home too early. They would usually arrive 5 hours later. But their classes ended early today. And my productivity and motivation drops when there's someone else in the house besides me. I sacrificed my online friends for this, not replying to them for days just so I can focus. And yet.. and yet, I failed. Disastrously. I should have known that statistically speaking, students are more likely to go home early in Fridays. And yet I failed to account for that in my calculations. This is my fourth mistake. For this, I deserve to fail, I deserve to experience the worst consequence imaginable.
I feel like my soul has left my body, as if the entire world has turned dark and my future life became covered in a foggy shroud. I didn't just fail, I defaulted... I submitted nothing. Everything went wrong. And I... am the only one to blame.
It won't be surprising if I failed the entire subject and have to repeat it all again next year. There's no complaining about it. For it is simply the consequence of my own actions and inactions.
If hell truly exists, I bet there would be a giant pillar in the middle. Let's say it's some kind of elevator to purgatory or heaven. Oftentimes, the damned would attempt to climb that pillar just to escape hell, even breaking their fingers and losing their teeth in the process. However, the demons allow them to do it. Because they knew all along, that no one would be able to climb to heaven. The demons below would throw dangerous stuff at them, while the demonic birds would try to eat them if they climb that pillar. In the impossible scenario that someone succeeds, then they deserve that win. But not a single person has ever succeeded in the entire history of hell.
Now that I failed, I have been thrown to hell. My life is going to be a living hell from now on. And yet, I must climb that pillar. I must attempt to complete the group project even when the deadline has already passed long ago, even when there's over 95% chance that the teacher will no longer accept submissions. I must still try. I know it is futile and meaningless anymore but... this is the only thing left for me to do. Who knows, maybe I'll succeed? I don't know. But as long as I'm still alive, I must keep on living. I must keep on trying. I must not stop struggling, until my very last breath.