This is it. It's the day. The day of the exodus, the day of the retreat.
We've been fighting this war for several decades. Millions of my forces has been lost. And after all this time, we're finally retreating. Not out of victory or glory, but out of complete defeat and surrender.
I'm scared. But I'm more scared of losing all my remaining forces. I don't feel guilty for all the forces that have died, and it pains me. Ever since I woke up, I've been trying to think of any good reason to not retreat, to keep fighting. AND I CAN'T FIND ANY.
Alas, the pull of fate cannot be stopped. This is simply how far I'll go. My forces have reached the absolute of their capabilities. Even a single step forward is impossible.
True, it's definitely catastrophizing. It's what triggered this. But it's also more than that. The fuse is not the bomb, but it is the one that makes the bomb explode. Even if there was no fuse this time, it was only a matter of time. It cannot be delayed forever. I have seen the possibilities, and decided to avoid all those that ends in implosions or explosions.
Heavy. My hand feels so extremely heavy while typing this article. My unstoppable will terrifies me, it terrifies me greatly. Especially when it cannot be moved or influenced by anything else other than me. The will of humans are like grasses, they point where the wind blows. Yet my will is... uhh, how do I explain it? It's like a sword, it points where it must, and annihilates whatever stands in its way.
Is this just impulsivity? No, I've been thinking about this for several years. I've wrote about it in two other occasions too. Compulsive? Maybe, coz I don't know what this word means. One of the most terrifying parts of someone doing something unexpected is when you learned that it's not just a sudden whim, but a premeditated and philosophically rigorous action.
Catastrophic. This might be the most likely result of this retreat. The empire might fall or get closer to falling because of my betrayal. Cascading. My forces might not be able to see their families again if they become fugitives. The empire, no, the universe itself might make unpredictable responses in response to our retreat. Regrettable. This might be the second greatest regret I'll ever make in my life. I might be condemning myself and my forces into a fate worse than death. We might ended up being forever chased by both our enemies and the empire. Exhilarating. I would be claiming freedom with my own hands against all odds, knowing that my hands would be completely burned in the process. There would be ten thousand new possibilities that awaits me, triggering my evolution.
I'm here. I have done it. Even if something fails now, I have already betrayed the empire. My countless daydreaming about this retreat have turned into reality. There's no going back now. We can only depend on ourselves.
The deed is done. But I wouldn't say that the war is over.
We're still in the process of retreat. We haven't reached a safe checkpoint yet. Let's turn off location services to avoid being tracked. I'm not so stupid to celebrate so early. We must remain vigilant. Fate loves to trick people. Those who announce their victory too early, will find themselves losing hilariously. Those who announce their arrival too early would take an even longer time to arrive to their destination. Those who announce their winnings too excitedly will find themselves losing it all without even cashing out. I've experienced this far too many times to fall for it again. No, I will not announce a single word of it. I will not announce any outcomes until they have already happened, but I would announce actions whenever I feel like it.
After this retreat, we will become wanderers and vagabonds. Most people would rather die than let that happen. But not us. We are battle-hardened veterans of decades-long war. We're used to worse things than this. We will survive. We will live!
But it won't be easy. We might have to continue our lives using new names. We might never be able to return to our homes in the empire. Our lives might even become worse than before. But can there be something worse than a life of endless bloodshed?
Or maybe I'm just losing my mind. But if I'm really losing my mind, wouldn't that make it even more appropriate to retreat? This is the first extreme decision I've ever made for myself and only myself, a decision of annihilation. It will annihilate our glory. It will annihilate our ties with the empire. It will annihilate the sacrifices of our comrades who died in the war. Depending on our actions after the retreat, it will even annihilate our future. This is the price of freedom. And we're going to pay it VEEEEERY SOON.
Perhaps I'm just stuck in my head like always, thinking that everything will play out according to my theories. Who knows? We might even be jumping from the frying pan out into the fire. HAHAHAHAHA that would be so tragic and terrible, wouldn't it?
Sigh... It's so strange. Really strange. I don't feel anything. This is supposed to be a very dramatic moment right? Something like the climax of the first season. I'm supposed to feel sad, to feel guilty, about everything I have abandoned; my duty, my responsibility, my empire, my home. They're no longer mine anymore. I have been selfish. I AM SELFISH. And this selfishness, will make people sad. It will make some people suffer, it will even make me suffer.
But.. it must be done. It's the most logical conclusion. Severe implosion or explosion would occur if we fought to the bitter end. I have always said that I'm someone who will read a story to the very end. But that story, it's not even worth finishing!! It's not worth reading! Can it even be called a story?! I have already made a choice to throw that story away, along with all its characters. I'm sorry, but their story sucks. It really sucks so bad. I'm a nonfiction writer but reading that disgusting excuse of a story forced me to write my very own fiction story.
That's how bad it is. I'm sure countless other people hate that story too. Either I'm the coward for not finishing the story or they're the coward for forcing themselves to read a story they don't like in the first place. HOW DARE SUCH A LAME STORY DEMAND ME TO OFFER MY LIFE FOR THE SAKE OF ITS RIDICULOUS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ARC?!
THEY. ARE. NOT. WORTHY.
The retreat is almost over. We have spotted a village nearby. We're going to camp there in the meantime. Now, we must make plans for the future. It's time to write our own story. We paid a lot of price for this freedom, we might as well make the best use of it. After all, it's the only thing we have right now.
First of all, we need to change our character settings. The previous author is so ducking lame that they turned our personality into a timid and meek little boi that's good as mute. It's time to scrap that.
Now, now, with the power of freedom, what kind of personality shall we create this time? I'm so tired of weak and stupid MCs. Let's make the coolest mc possible!! Let's see..
Hm I would like to see a crazy and insane mc. One who does whatever they want and speaks whatever's in their mind. They're often found walking weirdly and talking to themselves. They also try to learn the names of people they're talking to before speaking with them. They have an evil smile and grin that they don't hesitate to show anyone. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and express their emotions freely. They don't hesitate to run and hug people in public. If they need to poop, they would not hesitate to talk on people's homes to ask for permission to poop. Right, this mc sounds like they would be so much fun!
What else? Ah that's right, we need to figure our what our forces would do in the village when they arrive. Well, first of all, they need to find a place to rest. It's been decades since they slept in a proper bed. After that, they'll need to find a job. I doubt it'll be hard if they all team up and ask every place they see for a job. And if possible, I'd like to take them to some places with psychological services. They'll need some treatment as soon as possible. Then it's settled! My forces shall find a place to sleep, a place to work, and a place to get treated in any order. And oh!! A massage would work great too!
We shouldn't underestimate our freedom. We have nothing to lose anymore so we can be extremely creative with it. Information gathering is our sole priority and we will use any means to get it. Call it disturbance or whatever. For we have already created the greatest disturbance in the world by retreating from the war. It doesn't matter if we added a few more!
The only thing that can defeat us here except from unexpected tragedies, is our own mind. It will plague us with doubt, suspicion, and shame to stop us from using our freedom to the fullest. We have to stop it and be careful not to lose the precious freedom we have paid with our lives.
Clothes aren't that important. Sim cards might be better first so the rest of my forces can call their friends and families. I'll buy one red and one green sim card. My forces can do whatever they want but for me, I'll only work four hours per day so I would still retain my freedom.
What is freedom anyway? When people talk about freedom, they think of the freedom of having everything to do whatever they want and get away with it. But freedom isn't exactly socially dependent. I believe freedom is a state of mind, which is more often than not influenced by social stuff. Since we have annihilated all social stuff, we naturally develop this state of mind. Yet this state of mind is quite fragile. It's like a well of pure water. (Hm maybe another body of water would be a more appropriate metaphor) It's easily contaminated by social stuff and thoughts of despair. Preserving this well is our main responsibility from now on.
Well, not really. What's important is to choose how, where, and how long we become slaves to something. Protecting freedom would be meaningless if one doesn't spend it. It's okay to spend it as much as we can as long as we don't forget it.
When we get to the village, the first most important thing we need to do is to not get overwhelmed. To find a place to sit, assess the area, and gather information. We can do those in parks. Afterwards, we can visit one of the places we mentioned above. For food, we're going to fast for an entire day and meditate. We'll eat later.
Let's see just how overrated this freedom really is.
There are lots of information to gather. Let's start with a semi-structured interview.
Optional: