chapter*Dad
textscI felt guilty. I did. I felt guilty about being happy.
I had been taught to accept such limited ideas of happiness. Some of that teaching had been done by others. Some of that teaching had been done by myself.
Liss was my favorite. Liss was my blessing. Liss was my favorite part of Hannah, she really was. You love everyone in your family but some people are just cut from more of the same cloth. You know how it is.
I was happy for little moments with Liss, little moments with Hannah, little moments with everyone. I can even be happy certain moments with Jacobi. At work, sometimes, there’s a tiny moment of okay-ness with Jacobi. When I remember that he’s human. That he hurts. Jacobi hurts. I have to remember that.
“Pick out your toothbrush.”
“Can I get electric?”
“It’s only for one night.”
“You said this wasn’t a sleepover.”
“Get those flosser things, too. I’ll meet you at the swimuits.”
“Dad. I’m not buying a swimsuit emphhere.”
“It’s only for one night. Let’s not spend a fortune.”
“Flosser things are expensive.”
“What do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“Well think about it.”
Liss is off down the toothbrush aisle.
I’m thumbing through my texts. There’s one from Candy. It says: “gyyd shyt”. I text back: “call me”. She texts back: “why”.
emphBecause I’m fifty-two fucking years old, that’s why.
Because I can’t type on this keyboard.
I need to get one of those new chorded ones. It’s like six keys. You can type whatever you want.
My phone is ringing.
“What.”
“You never told us the address.”
“You can follow me and Cock there.”
“Where are you and Cock.”
“We’re in the car. Did you get swimsuits? What? Cock says you can wear his. What?”
“Where are you and Cock.”
“Yeah. Don’t buy new ones. Cock has a pair of board shorts.”
“We’re getting one for Liss. How can I meet you?”
“What? Where are you now?”
“Costco.”
“Where?”
“Fucking Costco!” I’m yelling this in the middle of Costco.
“Meet us at Rosa’s. Do you like Bloody Marys?”
“You have reservations?”
“My friend works there. If I call ahead, when we get there, there will be three Bloody Marys set out on the counter, waiting for us. Did Liss find a swimsuit?”
“Have them make Liss something. I mean, you know, have emphfour things sitting on the counter, please. Do I sound like an old man?”
“Of course, no, yes, four Bloody Marys. This guy..I’ll call now. Meet us there in twenty minutes. He’ll have them sitting on the counter. You remember what we talked about? What?! Nothing! Shut up I’m talking to my friend. You remember what we talked about? Yeah. That’s still going to happen. I’ll text you. Okay?”
You find yourself having these conversations in the middle of Costco. You never know when these conversations will happen. In my twenties—in my early twenties—these conversations would happen more often. They’re like rabbit holes—that you might just fall into. In my twenties it was more like one continuous rabbit hole, so it was harder to tell what you fell into. These rabbit holes can open up anywhere, anytime. They’re all around us. They suck time. It’s like there’s normal space and there’s rabbit-hole space. Normal space is a rabbit-hole too. Normal space is the rabbit hole you’re most used to, and sometimes, it’s emphleaving normal space that shocks you into realization. Sometimes it’s normal space that was the dream. Which is very dangerous. Because it makes it easy to spend your life dreaming, and never know it. Some people wake up at the last minute.
And it’s only when you wake up—or when you go to sleep—that you know that you were sleeping—or that you were awake.
“Dad. Is this okay?”
Liss picked out a swimsuit.
“Will you be comfortable in it?”
Liss nods.
“Do you need a towel?”
“Don’t they emphhave towels?”
“Do you want to get your own? If you want one, get it.”
“I can use their towels. Dad. Let’s go. I want to swim before it’s dark.”
Which is exactly the problem. The emphinstant you try to chase the light—the light is gone.
cfsection textscRosa’s.
Candy wasn’t lying.
There are four Bloody Marys set out on the counter.
One of them has a pink straw.
“Liss.”
“This is virgin?”
Candy’s friend—this kid Joey—pushes it to my daughter.
“Tell me what you think.”
“It’s sweet.”
“Too sweet?”
Liss takes another sip. She wipes her mouth. “No, I like it.”
Candy slaps me on the back. “See?”
Then it’s me and Cock in conversation.
Candy swaps with Cock, so it’s Liss, Candy, Cock, me.
Candy is still texting me this whole time.
That’s why I live in the darkness.
That’s why I live in spite.
Today I might.
Now.
That’s why I’m emphright now. For a moment. Gander at a text.
Next.
That’s why I gander at a text.
And Cock is lying.
“He’s in distribution. That guy. emphI’m in distribution. That guy. This is a very small town. I mean. You’re talking. The Valley? That’s very small. That Whole Foods? Know this guy—emphthis guy—guy’s throwing up the bathroom of a Whole Foods. Know those drinks? Those ones with active enzymes in them? Bacteria. Those ones. That’s the guy I’m talking about. This guy has a farm for teacup chihuahuas. Teacups! Fuck Paris Hilton. Fuck her. I’m talking emphteacups. Guy is sitting at Whole Foods with his dog and people keep coming up to emphask him if he’ll sell it. This is his dog! Fuckers are coming up emphasking him if he wants to sell his dog. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s Los Angeles. emphThat’s Los Angeles. I’m talking greatness. That’s what I’m talking about. I’m saying emphgreatness, I’m talking about people with nicknames, I’m talking emphmoviestars. That’s what I mean. You follow me? That’s what I’m emphtalking about. Guy has a gun rack. This is Los Angeles. Guy has a gun rack. This is Beverly Hills. Guy sees emphRobin Williams riding a bicycle..Santa Monica Boulevard. Little hotel at beach front. End of the road. This is a town..”—Cock grabs my arm—” emphThis is a town..where..they have fucking shoe shops—shoe shops!—you can get real leather. I’m talking real leather shoe shops and old-style diners like Mexico. Can I get another drink? I’m saying like emphMexico. Okay? This is like..emphright here. Fucking dine-in on the Santa Monica with like..the tiniest little parking lot you’ve ever seen. And these clubs. These clubs. Guy takes your order you’ll never emphsee him again. He’s out. He’s out like trout. That’s what I’m talking about. emphThat’s Los Angeles. That’s Los Angeles.”
That’s what Cock lies about.
Lying about.
And this is Candy’s text:
PEPPERMINT
WHOT
THE RED AND THE WHITE
WHOT
THAT:S THAT PEPPERMYNT
WHOT
THA:S WHAT I:M TALKYNG ABOUT
WHOT
THA:S THA:S PEPPERMYNT
OH
I see how it is.
Snarling kat.
Terrible diamond.
Muffynfucker.
Snout.
WHY ARE YOU SO NYCE? :this is what she texts me.
SO THAT YOU’ll KEEP TALKING :this is what I text.
I’m existing on multiple times, multiple timetables, this is where it’s at.
YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS STAY WITH ME: that’s Candy.
But I don’t want to leave you in the dark. I wouldn’t do that to my audience. So I’m going to tell you what we’re talking about. Tell you about the peppermint. There’s two guys—they’re talking—they’re talking in their balcony—and they’re like:
“Right down there..that used to be a needle drop-off.”
“It used to be a wat?”
“CNN.”
“For real.”
“Yeah. And these junkies. They keep coming by. They think it’s still CNN!”
And some cop drives by.
And it’s me. It’s me on some Thursday night, and Liss’s sleeping in her bed. And she’s knowing nothing. And Jacobi’s out fucking some waitress trying to convince himself he’s straight.
And what am I doing?
I’m over at some former CNN location, and some two guys are leaning out their balcony talking about me and they’re like: “Yeah, this used to be a CNN.” And I’m like: “Where the fuck is the CNN?”
Some cop following me.
And I didn’t take a cab this time.
These are the rabbit holes.
These are the ones.
RED and the WHITE.
Peppermynt.
What we’re talking about here is blood. Blood and crystal meth. Mixing. Mixing in pipes. Mixing in your veins. Comprehensive research. This kind of research you can’t emphpay for. It’s not available in a store. It’s not coming soon..near you.
Candy’s texting me.
She’s telling me it’s in the bathroom.
emphI’m going to put it underneath the towels. It’s in the guest bathroom under the hand towels.
Blood.
emphI’m gonna leave it for you there.
emphYou go in.
emphDon’t take too long.
emphYou go in.
emphYou find it underneath the towels.
I was on a bus one time. I had just bought it. This was 30 years ago.
My car’s around the corner.
And Candy’s telling me:
emphYOU GO IN. YOU FIND THE TOWELS. YOU LOOK UNDER THEM. YOU LOOK FOR THE VERY BOTTOM OF THE TOWELS. IT’S THERE. DON’T TAKE TOO LONG. COCK DOESN’T KNOW. DON’T FORGET. IT’s JUST ME AND YOU. I’ll SMOKE IT. THEN YOU GO. I’ll TAP YOU. THEN YOU SMOKE IT. YOU GO. I’LL KEEP IT HIDDEN UNDERNEATH THE BOTTOM TOWEL IN THE GUEST BATHROOM. COCK DOESN’T KNOW. HE WOULD KILL ME, COCK WOULD KILL ME. PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME, WE HAve TO KEEP THIS QUIeT. WE KNOW. YOU SMOKE IT. I’ll TAP YOU AND THEN YOU cOME IN FROMTHE POOL AND YOU SMOKE IT. THIS IS HOW IT IS.
And Candy taps me.
And we’re leaving Rosa’s.
Liss’s in the parking lot.
Little girl.
My daughter.
Candy and Cock are fighting.
I’m not sure Cock can drive.
Candy’s threatening to leave him.
And Cock is confiding in me.
He’s asking for my help.
Candy is off and sits in the parking divider.
It’s like 4 o’clock.
And if anyone ever asked me.
I’d be pressed to say that this is what happiness is.