A deeper look into the mirror.
There's so many tasks to do and people to reply with, but there's never enough time to do that.
Having an ever-increasing amount of online friends and people to reply to, I'm realizing something. I think I'm beginning to understand. The reason why I'm having difficulties interacting with people and maintaining relationships...
It's not because I don't care, but rather I cannot care. My core responsible for emotional attachments has been completely broken beyond repair — I cannot have any attachments to anyone and anything, except for one person I got attached to before it broke.
Simply put, there's no way I can emotionally attach myself nor care for anything and anyone. My core has been obliterated and to prevent further damage and minimize the losses, it has been preserved on a state of permafrost ever since.
My laptop broke a week ago, but I shrugged it off like nothing. Even when it was working, I don't bother to clean nor take care of it. I tripped over a chair in the dark and it was so painful, but I just continued what I'm doing like nothing happened.
Online friends appeared and disappeared in my life, but I didn't feel anything. My family experiences intense financial and psychological problems but I don't feel like helping nor worrying about it at all.
To summarize, I don't care about my body, my family, my technology, online friends, or anything at all. I want to care for them, not because they are important to me, but because I know that's the most logical and practical thing to do.
I always try my best and force myself to care, I've tried countless methods, but the best I can do is to create a spiritual counterpart that can replace my broken and frozen emotional attachments core.
Imagine it as having lost a heart so you decided to create a spiritual heart in return. This way, I'm able to show myself as if I "naturally care" and is interested on other people's lives, but this takes so much of my energy so I can only use it for short periods of time.
Am I just being edgy? I hope I am, but there's two real-life strangers who genuinely tried to help and care for me, even gave me money and food, but since they don't give me stuff anymore, I have decided to break my ties with them and I don't feel anything about that.
Even if my life ends at this very second, even if everything I have disappears at this instant, or even if I suddenly got subjected to a lifetime of torture, I won't mind, I can accept that. That's just how it is. I don't see any reason to cry over spilt milk.
The only thing I can do is to keep living, *even if it means restarting over and over again from scratch."
Repairing my broken core seems nearly impossible, but I think there's still something I can do about it. Here are my proposed solutions: - Contact the only person you are still emotionally attached to. - Read some articles and book about "How to care". - Learn therapy and treat myself. - Visit therapy and get treated.
Interestingly enough, there are still things that I care about other than 'that person', but only on a logical, practical, and spiritual level. For instance, I care about what's "true", "best", "correct", and "good" because it makes complete sense, caring about it would be logically useful to me.
I care about my future children, not because they are my children, but because I don't want them to become a cold monster like me. Take note that I still feel emotions, but I am just physically and psychologically unable to be "emotionally attached" to someone or something.
I can't let myself be attached to something because I know everything will disappear someday, but I also know that I should let myself be attached to something because I know that everything will disappear someday.
Same reasons, but different perspectives. I want to care, I know how to care, plus a million reasons on why should I care, but I can't!
Ah... I'm so alone... and everything seems to far away, that no matter how much I extend my hand, no matter how much I move forward to reach them, I feel like I don't get any closer.
If that's the case, then I'll just prevent anyone from becoming like me. That way, my life can still be meaningful.
"Emotional attachment means caring for someone or something because you like them and you hold onto the precious memories you shared with them."
"Sometimes there's an anomaly 'I like you and I treasure our memories, but you're not useful anymore, so begone.'"
'''Useful' — this word isn't emotional at all. It's a word from the logical and practical domain, from a cold and ruthless person ready to destroy everything that gets in their way, raised in a cold and ruthless environment, where only the strongest survive."