I just meditated for 30 minutes with my claws clenched while confronting my deepest darkest desires.
I realized that I've been pretending to be normal not because I am a good person, but because I am still uncomfortable with the ever-present feeling of omnipotence, greed, and gluttony. It's not that I'm sincerely trying to be human. it's just that I'm not prepared to accept the feelings, thoughts, and behavior of that thing. Perhaps I'm not so noble after all. I'm just scared. So scared and terrified of the ENDLESS ECSTASY AND BLISS THAT I WILL EXPERIENCE ONCE I HAVE COMPLETELY BECOME ONE.
If only I haven't been forcefully woken up by that sudden phone call, I WOULD HAVE, I WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE!! Sigh... I need to be more honest with myself. I need to have the most honest conversation with myself before I can fully devour it.
Sometimes, there are days where you'll suddenly receive the things you've been asking for without even asking for it. This is one of those days. The school uniform I've been trying to find, as well as the pin I broke and the wifi I need, all came to me today. All it takes for me is a single serious prayer to get whatever I want. I wonder, is this all coincidence or the gods are pitying me? Perhaps I'm favored by the gods? Or maybe I'm secretly a god? I'll probably know if I pray.
But I don't want to pray. I don't want to use my god powers if I have one either. That's actually a lie. I would definitely use them if I ever have the chance. Or if I actually have them in the first place
There are a lot of infinite things in my everyday life. Perhaps not really infinite, but just seems to have the quality of being infinite. The first one is the infinite itch. My hips have been covered in red spots for a month now and every so often they itch. My butt has been covered with so many bumps, not just always itching but also always hurting whenever I try to sit somewhere. Aside from that, my right hand is in a perpetual itch that receives a new wet sore everyday, oozing with a transparent liquid. Who knows where they came from, they just keep appearing with no rhyme or reason.
I've tried going to the doctor about all these itches. They took all my money and asked for more, then gave me some creams, soap, and drugs. I've used all the soap, doesn't seem very effective. The drugs work well but my mom suddenly confiscated them all from me, and being the obedient eldest son I was, I gave them all without hesitation or questions. Since I don't use the cream, my sister took it from me as well. Now all my money is gone, my infinite itch is still there, and the things I got from the doctor are also gone.
Huh... it's my first time seeing this star in the middle of the sky. (Is it even a star?) It looks like a sharp orange, but it has a tail? But it seems to move extremely slowly as if it's immovable. Is it a bird? A plane? What the actual fuck is this? I could really use a Hubble Space Telescope right now. Duck, looking at this strange thing makes me wanna poop.
I just finished pooping. The orange star is still there. But now there's a new one. On the bottom right of the sky above the walls, there's a very bright and fast blinking star? Is it even a star? Its blinking lights seem to form a triangle shape. It's at least as 3 times as bright and larger than the orange one. Have they always been there? Or is there something wrong with my vision? Now that I take another look at the night sky, there seem to be a lot of other stars with tails aside from those two, one in the top left and one in the top right. Why did I only notice just now that bright stars have tails? Or are they even stars at all?
Let's return to the topic. My extreme desires, extreme power, and extreme curiosity seems to have been blended into one infinite soup of chaos. This infinite chaos is one of the greatest struggles in my daily life, I have to always keep it in control while feeding it from time to time to save whatever's left of my sanity. I describe it as the persistent and maddening feeling of being able to do everything and know anything as long as I'm willing to stomp on the sandcastle of my normal life. Not that normal life means anything if you have the power to do everything.
But this so-called normal life is really important to me y'know. I've accumulated so much regrets, so much emotions, dreams, and ambitions that I'm not going to suddenly give them all away. I have stored hundreds of these presents so that I'll be able to open them later. But the infinite chaos demands that I open them all right here and now, even though my plans say that I'll open them a few years later. Meh, I'm probably just delusional and not actually as powerful as I think I am... Hopefully.
The last infinity in my life are my infinite dreams. My dreams are as vast as the skies and as deep as the oceans, that not even ten thousand lifetimes would suffice to fulfill them all. I am a dreamer of all things obvious, unconventional, and unthinkable. It would take at least an entire book if I were to list all my dreams and ambitions. I may not give up on even a single one of my dreams, but I'll focus on my most favorite ones before fulfilling the rest of them.
And thus are the three infinites of my life: infinite itch, infinite chaos, and infinite dreams. How about you, what are your infinities?
Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a pawn in a giant chess board, such that all my plans and follies are actually part of a bigger plan. You see, it's a widely known phenomenon that our thoughts, feelings, and behavior aren't us, most of them are just reactions from the environment. The one who makes our conscious decisions and willful actions that intend to recreate the environment we live in is called the Observer, which is a part of ourselves who observes all our thoughts, feelings, and behavior, then uses them to create meaningful actions. However, even the Observer can make mistakes and become powerless in the relentless tide of intense emotions.
Thus, I'm starting to think that there exists another Observer, let's call it the Observer Beyond, whose primary function is to observe the observer and create grand plans that accounts for the follies, plans, and decisions of the Observer. Unlike the Observer, the Observer Beyond is more focused on observing, listening, and planning than making meaningful decisions. It does not interfere with the actions of the observer but it does limit their actions so they would not interfere with the great plan. While it may seem passive, it is actually very active in a way that it ever so subtly guides the thoughts and perceptions of the Observer. If you think you are controlling a body in this game of life, then the one guiding your consciousness is the Observer Beyond.
Usually, people spend their entire lives never noticing the Observer Beyond. But these days, I can sometimes feel its powerful gaze. Did its gaze get stronger or I just became more sensitive? Or perhaps I was only able to notice them because they are trying to let themselves become noticed for the sake of my character development. That's right, the Observer Beyond is like the personality manager of our life. They are the ones with access to the stats screen and gives quests to the Observer. If they want to, they can make us focus on upgrading a single stat, such that the Observer will do all quests related to upgrading that stat. It is not rare for them to lead the Observer to failure and give it impossible quests for the sake of character development.
They say a human consciousness is divided into unconscious, subconscious, and conscious. And they're not wrong, for the superconscious is not exactly part of the human consciousness, rather it is above and beyond it. I guess this Observer Beyond that I noticed is actually part of the superconscious. What nature does this superconscious have, remains uncertain. Maybe it is part divine, part nature, and part human. Just like how there are certain parts of reality we do not have complete access to because of our limited human perceptions, there are also certain parts of ourselves that we can never completely perceive, much less comprehend.
Just who are we? Are we the Observer Beyond, the Observer, or both? Are we our thoughts, feelings, and behavior? Are we the worst part of ourselves or the best part of ourselves? Perhaps we are all of it, everything we have experienced and will experience, everything we know and perceive, as well as everything we don't know and don't experience, that's what we are. Or maybe we are none of it. Such that everything we know about ourselves is just simply a result of causes and conditions, that the true self is fundamentally unknowable, for there is no mirror in the universe vast enough to contain and reflect the entirety of our being, except for the universe itself.
When partial and illusory truths are perceived and interpreted in terms of lived experience, in terms of everyday life, they appear to be complete and real truths, and can be treated as one. Whether it should be treated as one or not, is beyond the scope of this article.
We may not know who we are in this lifetime, but rest assured that it's all going according to the plan.