chapter*Dad
textscStiff body. Stiff white body.
Reptile eyes.
That bitch is dead.
I mean she’s fucked/dead.
Glassy film, Cock pressing her chest.
1 and 2 and 1 and—that bitch is dead.
Holding Liss. Cock won’t look at me. “Becca! Get an ambulance!”
“You want me to get the ambulance?”
“Yes you fuck—” Cock stands. He grabs a chair. He throws it. It cracks the back door, sliding glass, spider web. Pop! Cracks running all the way up the wall.
Candy’s dead.
Jimmy and Jacobi are craning up, trying to look.
“Where’s Winnie?”
I look around.
“Where the fuck is Winnie?” Cock beats the ground. “Is she calling the cops!!?”
Becca doesn’t know.
“Richard. Find her. She doesn’t make any phone calls.”
He’s right.
“We’ll clean this up ourselves.”
“Liss. Becca. Pool room. Don’t leave.” I take Liss with me. I drag Becca. I put them in the pool room. “Don’t go anywhere. Don’t LEAVE THIS ROOM!!” I’m searching the house. Liss and Becca hold each other.
She’s not in the bedroom. She’s not in the bath.
Look outside. She’s in the lamps.
The lamp forest.
Liss is crying in the front room.
Becca is telling her she didn’t do anything wrong.
“Are you okay?”
Liss wails: “emphNo!”
I’m outside. The forest is empty. All the lights on. It’s beautiful.
Winnie’s in her Honda.
The passenger door is open.
She’s trying to start the car.
Winnie’s beating her head against the wheel.
She turns the key.
She’s not giving it any gas.
The engine just turns..scrapes. She tries again.
That machine is broken. It’s never goi’ng to run again.
I crawl in the passenger seat and Winnie screams!! She screams like bloody murder. She turns the key all the way in! The engine scrapes.
I’m reaching for the key. Winnie slaps me away.
She’s choking. Coughs. She can’t breathe.
She’s holding her heart. She’s checking her own pulse.
She clenches.
She’s got her hand on her neck. She’s pressing.
She checks the other side.
“I CAN’T FEEL IT!!!”
Then she’s out the door and she’s scraping the street for her keys.
I crawl across the inside. Across the seats. I’m out the door. A light turns on in a house across the street. They’re coming. Winnie’s face is scraped: up the chin. Up her mouth. Up her lip. She doesn’t know it. She’s rolling. He hand on her wrist. The nails press in. She presses. The thumb is halfway through her wrist. “Fuck..Winnie..”
“Feel this!” She grabs me. Got my fingers. Dragging me in. “Feel this? Feel it??”
“No!”
“emphGet me to a hospital!” She’s pleading. Then she’s running down the street! She goes to the streetlight. She turns around. She runs to the other streetlight. She turns around. “You’ve got—” she says. She’s running. “—to help me.”
“Winnie. What.”
She makes another lap. “If I. Stop. Running.” She holds her wrist. She checks her neck. She tries another spot. She says: “I’ll. Die. emphIf I stop running I’ll die!! I’ll DIE!!”
“I don’t think you will.” I try to catch her. I check my pulse. I sit. This is how people die. I’m feeling my pulse. It’s there. It’s slow. It’s slowing down. Winnie, running. I press my neck. Wait. Wait.
Wait.
It’s there. It’s slowing down.
Try the other side.
Press the vein.
............................................pump..
It’s still there.
I stand.
She’s right.
I jump.
I feel my pulse.
It’s there.
It’s faster.
I jump again.
There it is. I make it beat.
I’m walking fast.
Winnie passes me.
I run.
I get to the end.
I check my pulse. It’s there. It’s faster. “You’ve got the right idea.”
“I know! Run! emphWHERE’S YOUR PHONE??!”
I left it in the house.
Winnie’s running.
She stops.
She checks it.
She shakes her head.
emphIt’s not there.
She puts her hands in front of her face. She’s seeing something. She reaches. She grasps. It slips through. It falls out. It’s gone. What are you seeing?
“I’m seeing white, Richard. I’m gonna die.”
I’m with her. I feel her hand.
She bats it away. “I have to keep running!” And she does. She runs for her life. If she stops she will die. Her heart rate is slowing. We’ve done it to ourselves this time.
“What did you emphsee?” I want to know. I check my pulse. Beat. It’s weak. It’s there. It’s weak. I’ve got to get my phone.
“You’ve got to emphcall!”
I know. “Keep emphrunning!”
She does. I run. I hit the step. I fall. I’m slowing down. My heart is slowing down. That’s it. It stopped. I have to get us to a hospital. We have to go. I can’t tell Becca. I can’t tell Liss. My Liss! What did I do to her?! What does she know!! This is her emphfather. That is what I am. She’ll live a life knowing that her dad’s heart stopped because of dirt! Because of dirty drugs! That is what is happening today. That is what this is. That is what she’ll know. In an hour. In a minute. She’ll know. We have to hide it. Throw it out. They’ll do a tox screen. They won’t. Why would they!!? You’re crazy. You have to think. Why would they do a tox screen? They won’t!! Just hide it! Throw it out!! Where is it?! It’s in the bathroom. It’s under the towel. It’s all still there. Get it. Put it in the car. Find a dumpster on the way to the hospital. Get Winnie. She still there? My heart has stopped. It’s done. I’ve got to run!!
It stopped.
It did.
I hit the ground.
Beat.
It beat again.
I hit the ground and my heart beat again!
One beat.
I got that one.
Now stand! And run! Feel the neck. I’m jumping up!
“Did you get it!@#?$!@#” Winnie’s screaming. She stopped in the middle of the road. “emphDid you get your phone?”
She’s kneeling. Looking up at the light.
She sees it. She sees it coming. It opens up. It was always just around the corner. It was always there. And right inside is Liss. And what did I do? I had time. I was given time. I was given this moment. I had a quarter. And a dime. I spent them. On this. On chaos. We made terror. We took all the lamps into the yard. And this is how they’ll find us. And they’ll know what happened. They’ll know. They won’t have to do a tox screen. They’ll do one, though. And the first shock of us finding us dead—then Hannah gets an envelope. Trace elements. LD50. Why did Dad go this way? Modo aumentado. Liss will be right. And emphI would care if emphshe died—I would be lost. But why did my dad do this to himself? I care. I love my father! Why doesn’t my father love himemphself. There was a time at a pool—a water park! It’s there. Blue sun. A slide! We rode the slide. We drove. We drove in the car together. And I smoked! So simple! But we know it causes cancer, and we do it anyway! Time was there! We had it! It slipped away. We called. We decided not to call! Sometimes we decided not to say anything!! Why did we do that? I had that choice. I emphhad it! We could have loved! And where is Hannah! She’ll call my dad. He’ll find out on the phone. Why is my dad in another city? We’re not even near each other! We can’t touch. We can’t time! There’s no heart. We never say! We never will. There was a shuffle, in the sand, back there, when we were all together. In the light for a minute. Shining! We had it! We looked. We knew each other! There was a second where a hand touched a hand and I took you in my fingers, took you in my fingers to tend you—and what was loved, bloomed! And touch is lost.