Whenever I sit down to watch the sunrise, the flies wander and explore every part of my body. It was bothersome. Yet I realized that the flies are no more different than my own thoughts and feelings, arising and passing, moving from one place to another. When I realized that, the flies somehow decided to leave. But if they ever come back, I will be sure to welcome and appreciate every single one of them.
The body has countless itches everywhere. There's the itch for warmth, the itch for knowledge, the itch of success, and the itch for the future. Sometimes I cannot help but scratch some of them. But when I look at the warm clouds diligently gathering water from the ground, only to pour them later, as I feel as if my body is being washed by soothing winds and spring water.
Billions of cells in the body dies everyday, while billions are created as well. Thousands of thoughts are created and forgotten. The ants and flies that I see today may not be alive tomorrow. Every living being is constantly transforming and changing while interacting with non-living things. Nothing ever stays the same, not even our beliefs, behaviors, and thoughts. And that's why staying true to our words are even more important. Because everything is changing, there is no such thing as certainty or absolute truth. The lies now may become true tomorrow. The truths today may become lies tomorrow.
The gentle warmth of the morning sun shines on me every passing day, regardless of what I have become or what I have done. While I'm happy that it shines on me today, I can understand if it ever stops shining tomorrow. The sun, too, is not except to impermanence. I bet it has its own chemical processes that changes every second. That means the sun I met today may not be the sun I met yesterday, it may not be the sun I'll meet tomorrow either. Now I understand how impermance and interdependence lead to the conclusion that there's no self to be found everywhere. Certainty...it was such a beautiful dream. But it's time for me to wake up now.
No matter how much this body and mind change, I shall watch the sunrise every passing day. 1 year from now, I will still be watching the clouds and the sun. 10 years from now, I will be doing the same. There's nothing like the feeling of being bathed by the gentle glow of sunrise. However, that too, is a feeling like any other, one that arises and passes.
Unfortunately, I'm not an ordained bhikku. I'm not living in the bamboo forest with the Buddha. I'm a student with school work and house chores. So I can't just meditate, watch clouds, or read teachings of the Buddha all day long. So what am I supposed to do? Does this mean I give up in watching all anime and reading manwhas? I'm the one who said that I don't need to seek others to fill what's missing within me, that the universe will provide everything I need, but I don't really understand what I said. I'm the one who said that I won't go looking for warmth anymore and the universe will provide me warmth. But how I supposed to do that? It seems, the real trial begins now.
Is it bad to seek entertainment? Only if I cling to it and believe that it will solve any of my problems. Is it bad to seek companions? Only if I cling to it and believe that it can solve any of my problems. But I seek entertainment to solve the emptiness of time. And I seek companions to solve the emptiness of existence. Granted, they do not solve it, only temporarily relieve them. Then what must I do? I don't want to fall asleep again now that I'm already awake. It's not like I have a begging bowl to just visit every house and practice humility. Sigh. I'll need to meditate on this one.
Ridiculously hot and difficult to keep my mind from wandering around and fantasizing. Difficult to concentrate until I've been sweating too much that I can no longer go on. I know I said that the universe will give me answers even if people don't. But I don't think I'll receive an answer being like this.
Clinging and attachment to knowledge is because of ignorance. It's the failure to understand that there's no such thing as knowledge that is separate from us. If we are all the ocean and sky just as we believed, then surely we must already contain all the knowledge we need within.
Things are done when they are done. Just as how the sun knows when to rise and fall, the mind knows when to get started. There is no need for plans. But this doesn't mean that plans don't exist or are not helpful.
I was unable to meditate on the direct experience of reality after realizing that my thoughts and emotions are mere illusions. Yet when I realized that the path of enlightenment is attained through understanding, accepting, and utilizing illusions to cross the ocean of suffering and reach the shores of enlightenment, I was able to meditate.
The nature of awareness is recursion. Not only the mind can be aware of physical objects using senses, the mind can also be aware of this awareness. This is the most basic level of awareness. When one becomes aware of the moment they stop being aware, being aware of the state and conditions of basic awareness, then that is the secondary level of awareness. To be aware that awareness and consciousness itself are subject to impermanence and interdependence of all things, and does not contain any trace of a self, is the tertiary level of awareness. There may be infinite levels of awareness. The next level of awareness may arise after deeply examining all objects within the previous level of awareness and seeing that they are empty (of self).
The next thing I understood is the nature of equanamity. It is obvious to see the equanimity of death, for it changes all things equally and creates the illusion of non-existence. What's not obvious, however, is the equanimity of life. Since everyone is born to be different, that each and every grain of sand is unique in their own way, life doesn't not seem to have equanimity at all. This equanimity can only be seen after deeply examining the nature of life. We are born because of countless causes and conditions in the past. Our parents may have given birth to us, but the food, water, and clothes they used came from nature. In this way, the clouds, rain, lakes, plants, animals, and trees were already part of us before we were born. It won't be a stretch to say that we have existed long ago as those clouds, rain, lakes, plants, animals, and trees. Everyone else also existed because of them. Additionally, our present situation and mental state is but another point in infinity, subject to the causes and conditions of every living and nonliving things in the past and future. Although every grain of sand may be different from each other, they're all part of the same desert, subject to the winds of change and sandstorms of suffering. Our origins are the same, our situations and circumstances are impermanent, therefore we are equal.
It is said to be important to maintain this equanimity across all thoughts and emotions. It is impossible to favor pleasurable emotions and brilliant thoughts without lamenting the painful emotions and intrusive thoughts. In this case, equanimity can be seen as a measure of pure emotional stability before the addition of any external factors. It is just like a pendulum. No matter which side you make it swing, it will also swing to the other side with the same force. Emotions will often alternate to their opposites, the only difference is the force they started with. However, they say that the pain produced by compassion is a pain that's more helpful and meaningful than the pain produced by hatred.
Another thing I meditated on are the thoughts of others, specifically on what they think about me. It was then I realized that people's thoughts and feelings about us are like the wind. It may be strong, it may be slow, it may be hot, it may be cold. Although we think that we can control it, we can only control it as much as we can wear dense and bigger clothes to keep us warm when it's cold. When we run, we feel the wind more on our body. But the moment we stop running, we don't feel the wind as much. What people think of us are the same. When we are quiet, they think we are quiet. When we are loud, they think we are loud. Thinking that people's thoughts and ideas about us should remain the same, is a prison we created ourselves where we are the only prisoner. Fortunately, people's thoughts about us change all the time, just like the wind.
After experiencing the rise and fall of thoughts and emotions countless of times, I have seen that mindfulness and enlightenment is less tiring and more permanent, without needing to depend on the rise and fall of things. While the rollercoaster of emotions is indeed fun at first, it gets too repetitive. Watching others ride on the rollercoaster instead doesn't seem too bad.