chapter*Liss
You want some lo mein? You want some crab rangoon? Here doggy. Here doggy number two. The adults are playing. You can have some food.
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Here doggy number one. Munch it up. Here doggy number two.
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“Tell them to unlock me.” That’s fat doggy number two. Ummmm.. “Je pense que emphnon.” I push the plate at fat doggy number two. With my foot. “Can I have a emphfork?” Je pense que non. Hand the plate to cop doggy one. Cop doggy number one takes it and throws the food aside. Sesame chicken hits the wall. He grabs my wrist. “TELL THEM. TO GET. HIS FUCKING COCK. OUT HERE.” Pinching me. I stamp my foot on doggy’s lap. “BAD DOG!!” I pull my wrist free. “Bring me a BUMP then!” The cop rails against the entertainment center. It’s not going anywhere. Metal of the handcuff; metal of the bar. One is silver and the other is gold. I step back. The handcuff slides along the bar. Jacobi wipes a crab rangoon through lo mein juice. He eats it. “Want me to get you some red sauce.” Jacobi’s eyes brighten. “Do you have some?” The cop jumps up. “COCK!! THIS IS emphSTRAINING..THE FRIENDSHIP!” I pick up the plate he threw and wipe up the biggest pieces of chicken. The cop is screaming at me: “YOU. emphFUCKING. emphBITCH.” “Don’t call me that.” Jacobi admonishes him: “No food for doggy number two.” I correct him: “emphYou’re doggy number two. emphHe’s doggy number one.” “How come I have to be doggy number two?” Jimmy says: “Because I got here first.” And he kicks the entertainment center.
Go through the hallway. Be careful to avoid the adult playroom. There’s sounds in there like it’s eight people. Cock’s voice says: “You’re doing what? Gimme back my keyboard.” My dad’s voice says: “I’m Craigslisting these bitches.” Candy says: “I like this one.” But Winnie says: “I like the one with the cowboy hat.” “This one here! She’s too young.” My dad says she looks old enough. Cock exclaiming: “You’re gonna emphCraigslist bitches..to come suck you off..while you shoot coke.” But Candy says he’s wrong. “It’s just one bitch, dear.”
To the back hallway, to the bedroom. Push open the door. Becca. Baby Cock. They’re both sleeping. I pull the door.
Coming back to the living room Jimmy is yelling at me. I don’t make eye contact with him. I take the remote off the kitchen counter. I turn the volume up real loud. Tignanello emphFor the Ladies on Your List Pebble Leather Convertible Organizer 3 Ways to Wear It TODAY’S SPECIAL VALUE What Do Girls Want? Ask Winnie back there. Turn it up real loud.
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Roll a ball across the pool table. Too much light in here. Check the dimmer. Rack the balls. It’s better with the lights low. To depressing with them on. Something wrong about all that light. It’s four in the morning, you’ve got all the lights on. And I’m stuck here. With these goons. Block out Jimmy’s yelling. He can’t arrest you now. He’ll lose his job. He’ll lose his job in the morning. Don’t cops have GPS? Maybe that guy in the wheelchair. Turn the lights down low. Turn them almost all the way off. I like our building better. If I was there. I would go see Jon with the pit bulls. Jon is beautiful. He goes so well with his pit bulls. Jon would never let this happen. I don’t think. He definitely works out. Or maybe Mr. Lecher at the end of the hall. Downstairs. With the secret apartment. That you can never go in. But that carpet, that little swatch of it you can see when he opens the door. He has nice stuff, you can tell. I don’t think Mr. Lecher has a dog. He doesn’t work. Unless he works at home. But I do not think he works at all. He always wears pajamas. I’m sleepy now. Tired. I’m gonna call my mom.
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I’m outside. The grass is cool. The moon is full. I’m going to the Escalade. It’s unlocked. I crawl into the back. There’s a sweatshirt here. It smells like Candycane. Just think of Winnie. I texted her. She came. They’re in a whirlpool. Someone needs to wake them up. It’s only four. It’s 4:01. We can make it to my class by ten. That’s six hours. Minus one minute. Why does every minute sound the same? Put the sweatshirt all around me. Wrap the arms around my legs. Tie it. Tie it there. No one will find me inside this Escalade. Not until morning. Not until I wake. Then I’ll walk home. I’ll go along the road. I’ll go over by the highway. I’ll hitch a ride. Maybe I should call her. But it’s almost day. Winnie needs help. No, she’s twenty-four. You don’t need help at twenty-four. You don’t need someone to help you. She likes my dad. It’s okay. This is the quietest time of the morning. It’s the quietest time of day. Night people are already sleeping. Day people are not yet awake. This is the time when people deliver papers. When ambulances are quiet. And a shark. A little baby shark. Swims quietly in the bottom of a rabbit’s pool. Blue water. Fathoms. Deep. Pull the neck of the sweatshirt up. Above my knees. Of all the things I am. I am definitely not a shark. And there’s that tooth. It wiggles me. I am definitely not a shark, swimming below the deep. Wiggle it with my tongue. It’s ready. This tooth will go today. Will it grow back? Someday it won’t. Someday a tooth will be the last. It will come out. It will leave a hole. It will stay empty. Wiggle it more. Put my finger on it. Swimming below the sea. What if I leave it in the Escalade? If I pull it here. I might forget it. There might be an Escalade driving around LA. With a tooth in the back. Someone will buy it. They’ll buy the car. They’ll clean it out. Maybe the tooth will stay. And then someday they’ll sell it. And someone will find it. They’ll be cleaning out the back. They won’t even know what they find. “Is this a tooth?” Yes. It’s some little girl’s and she lost it one night at 4:08 or 4:09 on Saturday morning. She wiggled it with her tongue. She gripped it with her fingers. She thought she could feel the nerve. When the person finds it they will still be able to see my blood. Dried on the sharp part near the root. I grip it between my fingers. I squint my eyes. I’m not gonna take it with me. I’m leaving it here. For them to find. It might be a child just like me. If it is. They’ll know what they find. It’s ready now. It’s time. Deep breath. Pilates is about breathing. Let it dry. Suck the air out of it. Let it dry. Wipe my finger on the sweatshirt. Wipe my thumb. Breathe out. No moisture. Breathe in. Grip it one last time. Look at the moon. Look at the sky. Become your SHARK! Don’t let your breath out. Learn how to breathe underwater. Learn how to lie.