What is it like to live without any social life, emotional expression, or socio-cultural roles?
It's a little difficult. There's no one to talk to except yourself, no one to care about except yourself, and no one would care about you other than yourself. Living alone is easy but living with others while maintaining an extremely independent attitude is hell. While you try your best not to bother anyone or burden them with anything, they're going to keep bothering you with their histrionic problems.
Just today my smallest sister lost her phone and kept trying to make me use findmydevice to locate it. The problem is that the findmydevice thingy is unable to find her phone, yet she still keeps trying to force it, unable to accept that she'll have to find her phone on her own. This highly dependent attitude is quite bothersome. Still, it's easier to endure than most things that happen at home, so I simply bear with it. I know that if I say something like "it's okay, you'll find your phone soon" or "it must be difficult for you, I'll help you find your phone" then she would stop bothering me.
But I cannot do that. My parents do not have any empathy, so why would I? I never experienced something like that in real-life, so why should I? I can only assume that it does not exist and it should not exist, a stuff of fiction, a household taboo that must never be mentioned.
Furthermore, it seems my second sister left the house in rebellion against our parents. What's surprising is that she actually did it for real, now it seems all their house chores are going to pass over to me. I don't know when they would return, it would probably last a few days at most. If things take turn for the worst, then I'll be involved with another histrionic family drama that's going to leave me more exhausted and dead.
I'm pretty sure the plot is another same recycled sheep of a random child desperate for attention and care while the parents are unable to give those things because their parents didn't give them those things either. Thus, resulting in another cliched conflict of endless shouting and rebellion that would only end until one side is down.
I don't really mind if the worst possible situation would happen, though it would be better for it to happen fast. The most painful thing isn't death or extreme physical pain, it's the pain of waiting and anticipating, the pain of enduring an eternity of light torture. Indeed, a few minutes of extreme torture is easier than decades of light torture. Mental scars tend to last longer and be more painful than physical injuries.
Yet I am fully aware that this willful negligence and apathy would only perpetuate the cycle that caused me not to care in the first place. Besides, they're just children, how can I expect them to be fully independent? It's normal for them to ask for help, they're not me after all. Still, I cannot do anything about this. The best thing I can do is to pretend that I saw nothing, neither encouraging nor discouraging their behavior.
Indeed, there is no greater despair and guilt than being fully AWARE, yet being completely helpless to do anything about it. It's like seeing your favorite pet rock being violated and destroyed in front of you, as they submerge it in poop and pulverize it with a sledgehammer, while you are forced to watch the event without being able to do anything. What's worse is that you are also AWARE that these seemingly bad villains have no clue about the damages they're causing, they fully believe that what they're doing is right and justified, while their intentions are actually unexpectedly pure and clean.
Yet the most painful thing in the world is that you are AWARE that you can always do something about it, that you physically have the power to change the situation, and that you are actually morally obligated to help as the only person who can see the entire situation. It feels like you're the only person who can see ghosts and spirits, you see them hurting other people yet pretend not to see anything because you are afraid that you will be the next target of these ghosts and even if you tried to help, the people around who cannot see the ghosts will call you crazy and stupid.
I just realized this is what psychologists call the "bystander effect". Looks like the bystander effect doesn't only apply to walking past dead people on the sidewalk, it seems to also apply to seeing your comrades being brutally destroyed in war or seeing the people around you take extreme mental damage. Too bad, this isn't an individual problem, it's one of the societal ills that we still have no solutions with. Despite being so "modern", humans these days are still learning to treat individual problems and seems unable to treat societal collective problems.
Interestingly, it seems that close-knit primitive cultures have it easier when dealing with these kind of collective problems. While they don't have the technological advancements of the American nor the rationality of the European, their deep connection with each other and and nature gives them the vitality and cooperation necessary to solve their group problems. Unfortunately, they usually have shorter lives because of their lack of medical knowledge.
Maybe the individualistic culture that's promoted by the internet and globalization is still within its early stages. It would take humanity at least another 3000 years to utilize and integrate the value of collective communities, characterized by interfamily interactions and group activities. Humans have recently found freedom and gained a lot of time, yet the price they paid for that freedom is their group identity.
Sure enough, humans have gained a lot of space and time, they have gained a lot of possibilities. Yet without knowing how to utilize their own freedom, without knowing how to build their own groups and communities, they risk being crushed by the staggering social isolation imposed by individualism, resulting in countless psychological ills.
Primitive people may be plagued with diseases of the body but modern people are plagued with the unseen diseases of the mind. Unless man learns to reconnect with nature and his fellow humans, he will remain overwhelmed with the freedom society bestowed upon him. Without any god he can hold onto, his only salvation will be to offer his soul to the gods of technology.
"Humans have always been a product of the mountain of corpses below the dirt they stand on."