The school is over now. The final exams are gone. I no longer need to attend school for a few weeks. I have a lot of free time, which, if left unattended, can swallow me whole just as viciously as the complete lack of free time. There are only minor chores that appear from time to time. The online final exam tomorrow, and the task of shoveling dust in the front gate. They are easy because they don't involve humans. Tasks that involve humans are actually easier than those that don't, if only there's enough cooperation and empathy.
I already know what I'm going to do this winter break. I'm going to play games all day long to possibly earn money. I think I may be able to earn at least a hundred dollars this winter break. The problem is, doing something for the sake of earning money feels very uncomfortable to the soul, as if I'm trying to please an unknown group of strangers just to gain their approval. Having my life being decided by a random group of strangers I don't know just feels really uncomfortable for me. Being desperate for money feels as if you're gasping for air, it's neither good for your physical health nor mental health. Therefore, I will need to balance the act of earning money with something important — giving time for yourself.
In this time, I will read ebooks and write articles for fun. After all, just writing one good article is fulfilling enough to last for the whole day. I have not written for ten million years. Now I will be writing everyday, as well as trying to earn money everyday. I really miss my brilliant mind, whose brilliance allows me to spontaneously gain new ideas for theories, inventions, and concepts regardless what I'm going. It feels like I have inadvertently turned off this brilliant mind so I can focus entirely on completing the endless pile of schoolwork. I have enough free time now, so I will turn it on again.
In the past few weeks, I have been playing demon slayer and brawl stars to waste time. From now on, I won't be playing them anymore. I will substitute the time for playing them, to the time of earning money by playing games. If you think about it, regardless whether society structures our time or we do it ourselves, it feels a little overwhelming. The consequence of existence itself is overwhelming, especially to those who live alone, those who think differently, and those who were born with disabilities. All these three categories describe me. That annoying government office, I was about to get a disability card today but they gave so many requirements that were not stated in the law. I reported them to higher ups because I still have faith in the government. If the higher ups don't respond, I'll also report the higher ups to the anti-red tape authority, simply because I have faith in humanity.
Indeed, life is overwhelming if we think that we only exist to fulfill thousands of tasks and repeat endless work. But it doesn't have to be that way. We do not have to think that way. Existence only demands us to breathe, and through breathing everything will take care of their own. As we become conscious of the flow of our breath, we become conscious of the flow of the universe. Just as how effortlessly we can breathe deeply, we will naturally complete our work effortlessly. We do not need to force ourselves to do this, to be like that. We simply need to accept and follow the flow of the universe, and the river of fate will take us where we belong. Life is as easy, effortless, and natural as breathing.
For the rest of this article, I shall pour my entire thoughts, I shall spill my heart out. Be warned.
This entire year has been one of the most difficult year ever. There were twice as many schooworks compared to the previous year. I can understand doing house chores, but schoolworks, I can never understand their purpose. They're all useless, barbaric, and unnecessary. They are pure evil, disguised with good intentions. Doing them have always felt against my principles, against the calling of my soul, that I always have to dissociate and rationalize just so I can complete them. There should be a law against schoolworks. If no one makes that law, then I'll do it myself when I grow up. If the government won't allow me to do that, I'll create my own city and government. It's not that I'm unstoppable, rather I want to be stopped, I want to be erased from existence. But as long as I'm alive, I will slice, slash, and stab through all unnecessary bullsheep of this world.
I... have always been a free spirit. Social norms mean nothing to me who walks on my own path. Either I follow them because they are also headed in my direction or I ignore them because they are in the opposite direction. But sometimes, they stand on my way. Anything and anyone who stands in my way must be cut down indiscriminately. Unfortunately, I'm a kind spirit before I'm a free spirit. I refuse to harm any living thing that's in my awareness, in any possible way. I would rather get harmed a thousand times than harm someone for the sake of my own goals. I'm too kind, too naive. This is my strength, and also my most glaring weakness. No, I cannot just stop being kind just as I cannot stop breathing. Others may think it is impossible to live healthy and safely without unintentionally harming bad people. I think otherwise. The word impossible is not in my dictionary, either you try something once or try it millions of times in different ways. Repetition does not scare me, infinity does not terrify me, they are simply facts of the universe.
Without changing my values, without breaking my principles, without forcing myself to be who I am not, I believe that I can live a healthy, safe, and free life without hurting people. Though I may have to redefine what it means to hurt others. Those with undeveloped ego will naturally get hurt from the smallest things. Should we always accept their demands, just so they won't get hurt? We don't have to. Instead, we can think of this situation as doing little necessary harm in the present to avoid extreme unnecessary harm for them in the future. Furthermore, necessary harm does not need to be painful at all, it does not need to be traumatizing. We can minimize necessary harm using the following techniques:
For me, I think the act of giving emotional compensation is the easiest and most important part. Even people who did not develop their capacity for empathy will be able to do it. Emotional compensation can be anything from material stuff to intangible rewards. So you don't even need to speak to do it, you just have to give something. Rewards are different from emotional compensation because rewards are expected incentives, however the content of emotional compensation is often unexpected and does not come from the consequence of being successful, but rather from the act of trying, from the act of simply existing.
When we were a child, there were often many trials that we have to do by ourselves. These may be difficult and sometimes painful but it's necessary that we learn them independently. Even then, we want to receive appreciation for what we did, we also want to receive some form of emotional compensation for having to go through all of this when we didn't choose to be born in the first place. It may be a little bit naive and unrealistic for me to say this, but I think life will be a little more bearable, if our emotions are acknowledged and our pain is compensated. For me, I don't really need that. Having my existence recognized is more than enough.
Ah... I have ten thousand more pages I want to write. But I'm tired now. Time to take a winter break.