Why are there so many hours on the clock?
Why are there so many years in a lifespan?
Just so patience becomes a virtue? But what if there's no such thing as waiting?
Then what? Just what is life supposed to be?
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So yeah, I've spent my time mourning the entire day yesterday. About who, you ask? I mourned the suspension of my reddit account, which has over 10k karma, and would pay me $60 if only I didn't get banned. I mourned the loss of wifi connection in this new house, such that I have no choice but to return to being an offline peasant. I mourned the loss of friendships and connection, which shouldn't have bothered me in the first place. Finally, I mourn the fact that I mourn all such things: insignificant, tiny, and impermanent in the grand circle of life.
If there is a god, I'll ask them: Is there a way to make a living without being exploited or exploiting someone? What do you call it? When jobseekers go to an interview, the most important question they have in mind is "Will you exploit me? or Will you care for me?" And it is the job of interviewers to answer that question with the most honesty and sincerity.
I have always believed that Chaos is the answer to all my questions and problems, and I still believe in it. However, there's no way to know for sure what lies beyond unless I open the door. And the door, I cannot bear to open it yet.
So for now, for what seems like an eternity, I'll be surrounded in 4 beige walls in a hot and humid bedroom. Watching anime, playing games, taking naps, until all time fades into obscurity. After all, those who have stopped struggling can only endlessly fall in the deep sea of nothingness. No chaos, no goals, no thoughts, just fleeting excitement in cyberspace.
Hmm I wonder, is this how my story ends? Is this how the candle flames finally flicker to nothing? Perhaps this is just the calm before the storm. Maybe it's just the point where the beat finally drops. But... it can also be the end. The beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, which one will it be?
I... have nothing else to write. No more curiosity. No more questions. No more vain, naive, and childish hopes. I live in reality now. Reality constructed by others, not mine. To construct my own reality would simply be too expensive, no it's too audacious for the weak and timid me. This reality too, must have also been constructed by other audacious people. How perplexing to see that those who know nothing speak of everything, having all the confidence in the world. Yet those who know something speaks of nothing, full of doubts that's bigger than a mountain when piled up.
These everyday mortals live such a simple life. They do not have to bother with questions and answers. They do not have to struggle designing and building sustainable and humanistic systems for the entire humanity. They do not have to search every corner of the universe out of curiosity. They do not have to worry about the things they don't know that they don't know. The world is already more than big enough for them and their simple struggles. How enviable.
It would be nice to be like them. I could be like them. But I have chosen. I am the insane one for choosing the biggest dreams, the most experimental character build, and taking on the most impossible challenges. I'm either a bored one who has already finished the entire game and just replaying it for fun and challenges, or just a totally clueless noob who is too reckless in their ignorance. Sigh. How bothersome.
If I were to write my entire being in percentages, it would be: 30% Affection, 20% Teaching, 30% System design, 20% Creative Self-expression, and 144% Chaos. Surprisingly, at this current moment in time, I am not showing affection, teaching no one, and chaos nothing. I'm only like 0.8% self-expression and 0.2% system design right now. I've always been that way since I was born and still that way today and tomorrow. I have no idea when or where my percentage would increase. But it's even more pointless to complain about it, as if trying to complain why the sapling you planted still doesn't have any fruits. Not that you'll ever be sure that it would have fruits someday.
It sucks, the charger game sucks. I don't want to spend so much time waiting just because someone is using my charger. And I don't want to stand up for myself either. What I can do is to always monitor my phone battery usage and always use the charger before my phone battery reaches 50%. That way, I always have enough phone battery, long enough for them to finish charging even if their phone battery runs out.
The research title my teacher chose for me, is incredibly difficult. Although I'm the one who proposed, I simply didn't expect to see that there's no one, not a single soul on the internet who wrote about the relationship between ambition and resilience. They talk about resilience and motivation, but not ambition and resilience. Perhaps this is because they don't see ambition as a scientific term, it sounds more like a term that belongs in fairy tales and motivational speeches. Oh well, I'm used to it anyway. Starting over from scratch and walking a path no one has ever traversed before, I mean.
One of the greatest problems of having the mind of your future self is that you would tend to think and dream more arrogantly than before. A billion dollars? Mere chump change. Ten thousand people? Way too small. Yet I do not even have a hundred dollars on my own. I can't even mobilize a single person — myself, to do the fun and chaotic things I want to do. With this kind of mind, the gap feels both insurmountable and inevitable at the same time. It traps one in an endless cycle of waiting that stretches the bleak and empty present moment to infinity. I'm at the bottom of the roller coaster and everything is moving so slow. The peak is so high that I'll never know when I'll reach there until I'm there. When is the action going to ever start? Maybe there's no action after all.
I can do something big, but the time and situation doesn't align for it to cross the threshold of absolute change. I can do something small, but I'll have to repeat it every single day for hundreds of days for it to cross the threshold. Meanwhile, I can just wait and survive until the time and situation are right, such that I'll be able to cross the threshold with a flick of a finger. Although doing something will get me there faster, is that really optimal and sustainable? What I need is for myself to be in the best condition it should be whenever it's finally time to cross the threshold. Or maybe they're all just excuses and I'm just really lazy. I just really don't feel like working too hard for something that I'll be able to do in almost an instant in the future.
So yes, I'm bored to death waiting for the roller coaster to reach its highest point. I want every part of my life to be grand and cosmic yet I'm stuck here living the most mundane and empty lifestyle. But then again, eating, shitting, and sleeping is enough for a life. As long as one can find meaning in it, then it's more than enough. One will eventually reach their destined point in space as long as enough time passes. One will eventually reach the right time as long as they keep moving in space. As long as someone has something to do, then time shall surely pass.
Wake me up in the next timeskip.