"Finally, an article after ten million years", the readers, probably.
I haven't written or published anything lately. The river of brilliant thoughts have stopped flowing in my mind, contaminated with the oil of desires and blocked with the debris of fear. What else could I write?
The productivity and self-improvement mindset from before has disappeared. It just didn't sit well with me, trying to prove my own existence and worth that I already have from the very beginning. Thus, I regressed to the old thinking of doing whatever I want and avoiding anything scary.
Now I remember why this mindset doesn't work at all. It's not that desires or fears are bad, it's simply not what we are made to do, we are not animals who can live a life purely out of instinctual fears and desires. If we alternate from fear to desire, we may think that we are doing what we want but that's not the case. The desire born from fear isn't the desire to do whatever we want but the desire to escape from pain, fear, and emptiness.
As human beings, we can make choices, choices that can transcend beyond fear and desire, choices that allows us to explore the world and our true nature. However, we can also make choices bound by fear and desire, though that means one would be defaulting to their animalistic nature. To stockpile food and resources, avoid the unknown, and indulge in comfort are something that animals do by their instincts. Such choices would not help us understand the universe we live in.
Well, there's nothing with making those choices. After all, humans are also animals, they're bound to follow their instincts but unlike animals, humans can make a choice supported by free will. Since animals don't have free will, they don't suffer from living a life following their instincts.
Yet humans suffer because we think. We think because we are aware. We are aware that we can always make choices and shape our lives to whatever we want. Deep within, we are aware that our life can become better only if we say the word. Following our instincts may be more comfortable in the short-term but as long as one is aware, they cannot escape the responsibility that comes with the power of being able to choose. To avoid this responsibility will create lasting guilt, to take it is to set oneself free.
Another problem with the self-improvement mindset is its obsession for change and progress. It is those who cannot accept themselves that takes on the endless trouble of creating perfect masks, hiding their flaws, and covering up all their imperfections. Too harsh of a discipline is nothing more than abuse, it is the gentle water that splits rocks and moves mountains.
People want to change but their reasons and purpose for change came from fear. Thus, what they truly want isn't change but simply an escape. True change requires courage, the courage to make a decision in the face of fear. It's something every person has but not every person believes they have it.
The only thing that's making me feel like writing an article now is the intense burst of clarity that comes with taking a very long nap. They said some solar storm happens today and I actually believed it, even if it some groundless rumor because the electricity disappeared. It's important in life not to believe anything without conclusive evidence.
So the question here is, is my life miserable now that I'm not writing articles? Or is it the opposite? Well, I don't think I'm that miserable. It's simply that time of the month where I obsess about material wealth after losing $20 in a single day. Deep inside, I know that we are only looking for wealth to feel more at peace yet by sacrificing our peace to get more wealth, we only waste our time and make ourselves more miserable.
I haven't been going outside either ever since my shoulder bag broke, I'm still waiting for the new shoulder bag I bought online to arrive. There's been delays in delivery, I wonder if it would arrive before Monday.
And yeah, I went to that Toastmaster meeting as well and speak my mind for the first time in ten thousand years. Turns out, it's the same wherever you go, regardless how friendly people are, if you don't show interest, warmth, or vulnerability, people would think that you don't like them and stop talking to you. My mind effectively turns blank from fear and excitement, unable to find any questions to ask at all.
Perhaps I'll have to experience this same situation for ten thousand times more, until I gain enough experience and exposure to ask questions and actively participate in the conversation. There's no point in blaming the world or oneself, every step we take must contain acceptance and forgiveness — only then we can make progress despite all imperfections and negativity.
As for what I'm going to do now, well, I'll just keep on living. It's a great fallacy to believe that we must be special, other people must see how special we are, and we should only do special things. We are not birds. We are terrestrial mammals that crawl on the ground. Instead of desperately trying to fly, we can do what we are best at doing — to crawl on the ground until our hands are covered with dirt and the soles of our feet are filled with calluses.
What does that mean? For the readers that don't get it, to crawl until our hands are covered with dirt refers to exploring the world of the unknown, until our imperfections are so visible that it feels like our hands are covered with poop. Likewise, to fill the soles of our feet with calluses, means to accumulate experience and knowledge by braving through pain and suffering, a way of utilizing our imperfections to make us more resilient to life's challenges.
This is difficult not because it is actually difficult but because we were made to believe by the media that humans are supposed to fly. Whenever we open the television or scroll through social media, all we see are people living the life of luxury, without any hardships and barely any effort. Thus, we believe that we are supposed to be one as well, making us avoid anything that will make us feel imperfections and suffering. This cycle of avoidance and suffering makes one question their own worth and existence, driving them to the deepest depths of despair.
Interestingly, when the world gives us situations where we have no choice but to show our imperfections and fail trying, we can actually handle it so easily. We tend to believe that the world will end if something goes wrong but in the end, we're still alive, except now we learned something new. This extraordinary ability to handle suffering and imperfections is one of the things that makes humans unique, it is an ability they're born with as one of the animals that crawl on the ground.
Only if we can accept our true nature as someone who is often imperfect and foolish, then we'll be able to utilize such ability anytime we want, without feeling any shame or guilt. Thus, we'll be able to see the world for what it is, explore the universe with pure curiosity, and learn new things everyday. Then perhaps, after we have mastered the art of crawling, we can try to swim, then maybe someday in the far future, we'll be able to fly as well. Yet even in that case, we won't call ourselves as birds but as land crawlers whose deep connection with nature allowed us to fly.
Even then, we would still crawl on the ground most of the time except now with a renewed sense of gratitude and appreciation towards ourselves and the earth. We would stop seeing the act of crawling as something dirty and painful but as a blessing of nature that allows us to explore a wider range of possibilities than that of swimmers and flyers. Pain and imperfections stop being something to be avoided but something to be expected, embraced and appreciated. Such is the life of one who has reunited with nature.
"As one who lives between the heaven and the earth, their life will be the cauldron that unites the heaven and earth into one."
"O one who crawls the ground, your hands may be covered with dirt and blood for eternity, yet you are destined to conquer the mountains and skies beyond."
"Those with the power to choose, it is up to their choice whether this power would be a curse or a blessing."