Warning: Extreme darkness and grief
Complete emotional detoxification.
I finally realize that I am weak, extremely weak, pretending to be someone strong. I'm extremely emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, as I get hurt by the tiniest of insults and jokes.
I detach and isolate myself to defend against suffering and despair, yet all I'm doing is just actually running away from it. I maintain a blank poker face pretending not to feel anything, because otherwise I'll be a very dramatic weirdo.
I analyze and observe everything around me, because even the smallest things can harm me. I see everything in my environment as projectiles, so I analyze them. I analyze humans because I'm afraid of them. I analyze conversations because I don't know what to say. I'm only good at analysis and observation because I want to defend myself at all costs.
I follow orders not because I want to be a good child, a responsible citizen, but because I'm just too scared and afraid to act on my own. I submit to everything that people tell me to, not complain about anything, and blindly follow everything.
I thought I'll be safer this way, but everyone's just turning me either into a punching bag for their problems whenever they see me or into a robotic slave who would do anything they want. As a result, freedom is impossible for me in this world, until everyone and everything around me has died.
I'm too scared to hurt and offend people, so I don't get angry at them. I let them annoy me as much as they want until they stop. I don't want to face conflicts or any problems involving others, so I always just ignore them, until they can't be ignored anymore.
When there are problems involving other people, I simply wait until my suffering is finished or if the problem has disappeared. Otherwise, I patiently wait for these problem people to die, that way, I don't have to harm nor face them. I make myself believe that I'll finally be free if annoying people were to die of natural means.
I thought that everything would be better if I just gained some more knowledge, so I read a lot of books and kept learning, but I realize that I'm too scared to use my knowledge and make a change in my life. All my knowledge went to my articles, but very little of them actually went to my life.
I thought that my life would be better if I just make myself perfect, better, and more superior than others, so I kept polishing and improving the things I know until they shine brightly.
Unfortunately, no one likes superior or cool people, rather than being seen as a good friend who's ready to help, I'm seen as a cold, calculated, and annoying asshole. Whenever they see my works or abilities, they get blinded by its light and start to run away. My efforts towards perfection are all in vain.
I thought that I'll be successful and my life would be better if I just work harder, so I keep working hard and even overwork myself sometimes, but nothing happens. I just get more tired and my efforts are all in vain, because my efforts don't amount to anything unless someone can appreciate and see them.
I thought that everything would be better if I just make more friends. So I learned everything I can about making friends and talking to people. Unfortunately, I always sound too professional, formal, and serious to them that they don't want to talk with me.
Most people use an extremely chaotic and random chatting style whose pattern I can never comprehend nor assimilate. Sometimes, their pronoun antecedents and usage gets all mixed up that I understand nothing. My efforts trying to make friends with ordinary people are all in vain.
I thought it would be better if I talk and interact with professional people, but they are always too busy to reply or care about someone who won't be able to increase their paycheck.
I tried interacting with real-life people in real places, even to the point of swallowing my fear just so I can talk to them. However, they are all sad and worried, just like me. The only things they seem to see about are money, food, relationships, and copulation. Anything else that doesn't help them with those things is ignored.
Of course, I wasn't able to talk to a lot of them, since I'm scared and don't want to disturb them. Whenever I do talk to them, I'm always too scared to say anything that might offend or hurt them. My slightly weak hearing prevents me from having a good conversation with someone. I have all kinds of excuses to cover up my incompetence and weaknesses.
I'm so tired, I feel like I have tried everything, but I know this will never be enough. All other remaining methods with high success rate are those that requires interacting with people. But I don't want to do them. I am always feeling terrified and anxious when it comes to humans, when it comes to changing my life for the better.
I fear that my parents and family will drag me down if my life gets better while their lives remain the same. I don't want to disrespect and hurt any of my family members or my parents. So I believe that it would be better if I just wait until they die before I would do anything at all, because I'm a good child, a nice person, and a good brother... right?
I know it feels to be hurt, so I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to say anything offensive. I don't want to do anything controversial. So I end up doing and saying nothing, which makes things worse.
As a result, I'm seen as a very irresponsible brother who doesn't care about anything nor help with his siblings' growth. And they're not wrong.
I see it now, that I'm a very very weak, incompetent, and irresponsible person. Because I don't want to offend nor hurt anyone (except myself probably), I tend to lie and hide any uncomfortable truth from anyone.
I'm extremely flawed as everyone else, I'm just the same as them. I ran away from everything only to arrive at a worse position than before. At this rate, I'll never be able to reach even a quarter of my dreams. This is bad, so bad.
I don't want to become better anymore, I just want to reach my dreams. I'll sacrifice everything for my dreams. I'll start over an infinite amount of times just for my dreams — my dream to make this wretched world a little better for everyone else.
Today's the second day that we don't have any money to buy food for the whole day. My parents already borrowed all of my money and our only food for the whole day is soy sauce and rice, though I'm not so sure about the rice either, since we already ran out of rice.
My mom's getting a little depressed, with the typical "help me" position of sitting completely slouched with hands over knees and face over hands facing the ground. How sad, really. The best thing I should do is to comfort and encourage my mom as any good son would do.
But why should I? This is simply a result of her own weaknesses and incompetence, just like mine. And we're just both reaping the consequences of our own choices. Life is not suffering, it is simply the result of our choices.
She doesn't need my pity, I don't need anyone else's either. We're both idiots to believe that we're completely self-sufficient enough to survive in this world without asking for any help, and this is the result of our choices.
There's nothing wrong with letting someone weak die by their own choices, that's just natural selection to its fullest. I'm fully aware that the same rule applies to me as well as everyone else.
Gosh, my mind's thinking from the villain's perspective. Mental deterioration is really getting to me. I'm probably at the stage where my mind would use all kinds of excuses to justify guilt.
The greatest sin in this world is to believe that one is completely self-sufficient and independent that they don't need anyone else. It is only natural that this action follows a life of extreme loneliness and death by starvation. I have no objections, let nature run its course.
Behold, I have reached the highest level of stupidity where I dug my own grave a kilometer down the ground. I'm so weak and stupid that I even wonder if someone would actually find me and reach their hands to me in this place. I can't believe I still have the guts to think that I'm "self-sufficient" enough to stay alive and reach my dreams.
Maybe, if I actually took the time to listen to humans instead of analyzing them, my life might have been better. Maybe, if I just learned to be grateful for myself and my environment instead of observing everything, my life could have been a little better. Maybe, if I just showed that I care, even in the tiniest ways, my life would have been better.
But no, that didn't happen, more specifically I didn't choose to do that. I'm like a bird who walked and ran on the ground for so long enough that I forgot I can fly, where I can only dream of flying someday in the blue skies, along with the other birds, but never have the courage nor confidence to do it.
Oh, I just realized that a bird living and dying without even enjoying the freedom of flight at least once would be quite the funny story haha.
Anyway, it's definitely a ducking miracle that I'm still able to think straight without annoying thoughts of self-pity bothering me even when I wrote all of that. I wrote them in hopes of forcefully collapsing my entire ego so I can recreate a new and better one from scratch.
It only worked a little bit and helped me remove some of the thorns in my heart, but there are no instant changes that happened so it's quite sad. "My resistance to change, along with my loneliness and impending starvation is just getting stronger and bigger day by day.", he said, while eating tons of fast food leftovers every day.
I suppose the real problem lies in the emotion that I'm terrified to change my life nor believe that I would be able to change it in the first place. It's extremely difficult to believe when you have been living the exact same life for the past thousand years, then someone telling you "hey bro d'y'know u can change your life if you actually tried"?
And as any sane person would respond in that situation, they'll say "LOL nice joke, that's not possible. Only the greatest and legendary magicians and sorcerers would be able to do such a thing and free me from this curse."
It makes sense, at least to the cursed person living the exact same life for a thousand years. Trying to make changes in their life, for them, would be as real as magically conjuring food from their hand, moving items around using their mind, or flying in the sky. It simply is impossible for them and would result in a predictably awful event if they tried.
The steps for behavioral change are to believe that change is possible, the desire to change, the belief that you can change whenever you want if you tried, and the physical effort and mental resolve to create the wanted changes.
The third and fourth steps are the most difficult, just what techniques can you convince the client, rather, how would you make the client find the answer that they have everything they need, that they are already enough to create the changes they want whenever they tried?
And that's not all, how do you even make someone give physical effort and mental resolve to create the desired changes themselves?
My answer to the second question is quite incomplete — negotiation and commitment. To make them believe that what they are doing is ultimately for their own benefit while also benefitting other people around them as a side effect, that they are the only ones who can make those changes and decide the kind of life they want to live.
There's no specific answer to the first question. Trying to make a bird who's been walking and running its whole life, suddenly realize that it could fly, would be extremely difficult and would need a lot of time. Though everything can change if the bird were to be safely thrown at a highly elevated place with an invisible net ready to catch it when it falls below, where it would activate its flying instincts for survival.
For the slow and steady approach, it would be best to slowly undo the brainwashing by removing the negativity toxins in the brain through ranting to someone and then filling it with positive stuff through good experiences and realizations.
For someone who's been thoroughly isolated and brainwashed for long amounts of time, the negative toxins in their brain would become very concentrated, dark, and dangerous.
Trying to clean them up would be the equivalent of trying to help a disabled elderly man who shat himself all over the place to take a difficult large sheep properly without showing the slightest disgust or hopelessness on your face. It would be similar to redeeming the evilest and darkest villain in existence and accepting them in the most sincere way possible despite their chaotically disoriented and morally unaligned perspectives.
Yes, this is the real job of psychotherapists. It's never for the faint of heart. That's why they deserve so much respect.
So what now? From the looks of it, it would be extremely difficult *for me to become stronger immediately and stop being weak. The fact that I *answered my own questions annoys me since that means I shouldn't bother people about my problems when I can answer and resolve them myself.
Since I just answered all of my questions, then that means I can make all the changes necessary to my life by myself. From myself, my life, family, and everything. It would be highly irresponsible of me to bother others about something I can do myself, I'm so "self-sufficient" after all.
Perhaps that isn't true. Maybe it isn't necessary for me to take on everything by myself just because I can. Although my skills, knowledge, and awareness are high enough to be able to do anything, I don't have a lot of time or energy to do everything.
Maybe, just maybe, it's okay for me to ask for help, to let other people enter and help me in my life. Maybe, I don't have to take on everything by myself all alone like I always used to believe and do. Even the slightest help would spare me a lot of effort and energy on my side. Just maybe... I'm not that unlikable, weak, or an asshole after all...
Maybe... I could fly.
What wishful thinking, though I admit that made me shed a tear or two. There's simply no way that someone can find me in this one-kilometer grave I dug for myself underground. The only way someone would be able to reach me is if I were to reach out to them myself, which I would never do.
I find it unthinkable *to reach out to those who have lower abilities than me, but I find it *even crazier that someone would actually bother to help me. As a leech who doesn't even know how to repay someone, I don't see any reason why anybody would ever care for someone like me, not that I'm pitying nor making myself look bad.
From my final analysis at the end of this article, here are my most important and severe problems in descending order:
- Inability to ask for help
- Resistance to change
- Difficulty forming long-lasting relationships
- Difficulty showing empathy and affection
- Fear of rejection, uncertainty, and conflicts
So I suppose everything's clear now. It's either I would slowly improve my life one by one before I get completely suffocated by the combined poison of isolation, arrogance, and fatigue. Or I would swallow my ass for the 1337th time getting some people to help and trust me while trying my best not to ghost them immediately.
Sounds tough, but that's life. If you don't like chewing the bitter-tasting vegetables, just swallow them with water. Nothing to worry about.
I may be weak, but I don't want to die before reaching my dreams.
"If we don't like the answer we have arrived at, we keep running in circles only to arrive at the same answer as before."
"The most lethal mental problem is the inability to ask for help."
"Is anxiety the fear of rejection, or simply the fear of anxious sensations and emotions that come with rejection?"