You know that statement “You are what you love (not what loves you)”? It’s from the movie Adaptation. Don’t ever try to explain that to someone in a bar.
Gao doesn’t want to hear it. He’s flirting with some woman he’s never gonna go home with. Jesse has a full bar at this point. I’m talking to this woman next to me (this older woman—and Gao is rolling his eyes). He’s trying to distance himself from me, like he would never sit next to someone who’s talking to an older woman. Like: he didn’t even come here with me, he just casually knows me.
I’m trying to tell this woman how when I was younger I used to have this thing for camp counsellors. Not always a love thing—though it was a love thing when they were women. But an admiration thing. You know..some people you meet..most people you meet..and it’s just..you get the details of their life, you get their particulars, and you’re not impressed. It doesn’t mean anything to you. But for me, with some kinds of people, I was like..impressed. That was camp counsellors, mainly, as a child. And maybe ministers to a lesser degree. And student teachers. And some college students. And chess players. But more than any other group, it was camp counsellors. It doesn’t matter about the group.
(I can see I’m losing this woman. Gao is right, all she wants to do is sleep with me, I’m some younger trophy man just like he feels about this younger girl he’s talking with, trying to take home..or trying to take..wherever. He’s got a wife and kid at home, maybe they can go to her place. So I’m trying to keep this woman with me, because I really want to talk about this.)
I’m telling her how I always admired camp counsellors, or ministers or whatnot, and some kinds of teachers and I’m telling her how, recently, I’ve started seeing this statement in a new way. You are what you love..not what loves you. You can see that statement in a simpler way..and you can see it in at least one, other, deeper way that I’ve just come upon, in my life.
Am I losing her? I am. She just wants to fuck a younger man. Gao is right. I hope he at least gets laid.
“I’ve got to go outside,” I say, totally awkward.
“Djouwanna cig, bro?” Somewhere in the evening Gao started saying “bro”.
“No,” I say.
And Jesse says she’ll keep my seat.
The parking lot is full. I sit on the curb. I get my cell phone. It’s the middle of the afternoon—I mean it’s maybe four. I call Ash.
“How’s it going?”
“How’s it going?”
“Good.”
“Good. Do you have a sec?”
“Sure,” she says, “What’s up.” I can hear typing in the background.
“You know that saying from Adaptation that I like, about not being what loves you, but being what you love?”
“Where are you,” she says.
“If you don’t have time—“ I say.
“Need me to come pick you up?” she says.
I’m quiet.
“Is Gao there?” she asks.
I don’t say anything. I don’t want to be having this conversation with my ex-girlfriend. She is my ex, right?
“I’ll be there in a little bit,” Ash says, and we both hang up.
I really don’t want to be having this conversation with my girlfriend. This is what’s wrong with the world. You try to have a conversation in a bar. Or with your ex-girlfriend. I just want to talk with someone about the new way I’m thinking about this line from Adaptation. But you can’t have that conversation in a bar. It just doesn’t happen. And you can’t have that conversation with your ex-girlfriend: the conversation about how you’re too drunk to get home and you and Gao need a ride home—and how one of those rides home is gonna be to Gao’s wife which as much as Ashley loves us I know is not a drive she wants to make, almost all the way to Cincinnati..and the other one of those drives..the one to take me home..I don’t even want to think about that drive right now.
So I’ll tell you. Even though it’s years later. I wanted to find someone that night to tell this to, but I guess since you’re captive I’ll just lay it out here. The thing is, about that saying (You are what you love, not what loves you)..it doesn’t have to mean that your essence is more defined by what it is you love in this world than what loves you. It doesn’t have to mean that when you love something, or someone, or whatever you love..that that more defines you, that that is more important, in your essence, that what loves you. It can mean that.
But I had just figured out, at that time in my life, that it can mean this, too. (It’s simpler.) You are what you love: that can just mean: when you find yourself attracted to something in this world, it’s because that thing is just like you. You are what you love might just mean that when you love something, that thing is you. When you love someone, it’s because they’re just like you.
Basically that love is a mirror. It’s not a wanting, vampiric or otherwise. It’s not desire or admiration or need. It’s a mirror. When you feel it, it’s a sign—but not about the other person—about you.
When you love, it just means: this person, here, is not a stranger. This person, here..this isn’t really an other person. In some ways..even though it’s in another body..this is you.