AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It's official, my dopamine receptors are fried. I have been completely convinced that the only thing that can be found in the outside world are humans and vehicles moving about. My memories and vision have become more shallow. I am, in fact, completely and infinitely cooked.
Whenever the emptiness grows, the desire to consume grows as well. Yet there seems to be no singularity guiding it. It is all mindless, self-destructive consumption, with neither magnitude nor direction.
In the end, I wasn't able to sleep. Close my eyes as much as I could and I cannot fall anymore. Perhaps, I have reached the bottom of the abyss? No, I shouldn't have eaten the weird curry before going to sleep.
Ah, what a life! What a day! To spent the entire day in bewildered confusion. To be so completely confused by the desirables and undesirables, by the what is and what nots, that one has been forced to spin in dizzying speeds!
But what is this flimsy creature that cowers under the eyes of men, under the eyes of the gods? It's a worm, not just any worm, but a worm that walks upright, pretending to be a bipedal animal! For it has no such legs, every time it tries to walk, it hurts its nonexistent legs. "I am unlike these mortals, different from all other worms! They all shall wriggle their way on the disgusting mud, while I, the great worm, will be the only one to walk!", declared the walking worm, much to the amusement and pity of other worms. Laugh as much as they want, they cannot deny that this worm is walking, no matter how hilarious, ridiculous, inefficient, and unhealthy it may be.
Reaction time games, no matter how repetitive they are, have a certain perfume of addiction within them. Everyone who loses thinks to themselves "It must be the lag! I'll just press the button even faster!" and so they play and keep playing until the fatigue finally stops them. I, too, have been a victim of this myself. Why is it so addicting? It's because of the illusion of growth present within these games. No matter how often one loses, they tend to think "I'm so close! I'll definitely win next time." And so play one more round.
Growth is addicting. Seeing numbers grow feels good. Seeing your investments grow feels great. This is why stories and novels that focuses on the growth of protagonists are very addicting to read. This is why rich people can't easily give some of their wealth for no reason. They want numbers to go up, not down. And the only way they can do it is by buying upgrades and generators. Giving random money for no reason, just brings the number down. And no one wants the number to go down. This is why I often check my idle game Unnamed Space Idle several times a day, only to be disappointed how it cannot defeat the boss no matter how much it has grown.
The eyes of mortals are simply too small to see and comprehend growth that has not crossed the threshold. For them, the only growth that matters is the growth that has broken through the threshold, the one with visual effects and dramatic scenes. Everything else is considered stagnant. For the untrained eye, the only growth they can see are the obvious types of growth. They believe that if something is not moving, it must be stagnant and dead. And if something is regressing to the old ways, visiting the old numbers it has already passed, then it must be losing value. But how much of that is true? Perhaps, life is a mathematical function that has overall long-term growth, yet often decreases in the short term and repeats older patterns of numbers. That's why most of the time, it's direction appears to be going downward.
Sigh. It's a really terrible problem. It's way too unreliable, depending on mortals I mean. Sometimes, they tend to disappear for a while whenever you need them the most. It's even more troublesome if you only have one mortal and you treat them like a drug. It means there's at least a 40% chance that withdrawal symptoms are going to feast on your sanity on any given day, and when that happens, that day is completely ruined unless you're a disciple of old man Marcus. It is a really bad idea. Don't do drugs, kids. But if you do, make sure you have plenty.
Interestingly, a mind consumed by emptiness tends to treat whatever nice things it have left as a drug, consciously or unconsciously. It gets addicted too easily and often lets itself become dependent to the object of addiction. Hmm is this how, basic brainwashing works? How come the human mind is so feeble and frail, and yet they must always clash with the unforgiving demands of daily life everyday? This world is simply too cruel for such little minds.
I cannot sleep. The insanity within burns me from the inside. The repetitive madness outside is like a swamp of sweating and humidity. It's too hot, it's making my blood boil, my head hazy, and my fangs sharp. The walls that seem to stop me now looks like a bunch of beef jerky. The sky that watches me now looks a little too thicc. Maybe the only reason why I appear like a mortal of the yin element is because I'm actually an immortal of the extreme yang element. And as they say, the extremes give birth to its opposite.
What is forcing me? Am I forced to exist? No, I can easily make myself stop existing anytime. Anyone may be forced to be born but they're not forced to continue existing. Am I forced by society? Not really, the sandcastles of mortals are something I can step on anytime, much to their horror. Am I forced by circumstances beyond my control? Not necessarily, I can also force the circumstances to change beyond its control. Am I forced to be aware? Indeed, I am forced to be awake. Awareness is not something I can ever turn off, not even in death, not even while being mind controlled. I am aware, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, except to accept such grim reality.
To be aware... means you're going to be picky, you're going to be annoyed, you're going to be bothered. Only those who are aware can become insane. Only them can worry and become anxious about things that may not exist. Only them can distinguish between desirables and undesirables, picking the wrong choice and being horrified after. Only them can know what they can do, but pretend as if they can't do it. Only them can know what they should do, then do its opposite. Only them can know who are really are, yet keeps trying the costumes of everyone else just to suffer. Indeed, only those who are aware, can write this article, read it, laugh at it, mock it, and disagree with it.
AH... WHAT A HORRIBLE CURSE THIS IS!