Even when I spent most of the day doing useless things and wasting precious time, it seems I can still get things done when necessary. If there was no online class this 2 PM, I would have slept the entire afternoon and wasted the rest of the day.
Once again, I felt helpless. I have realized that I cannot keep wasting my life forever, yet I do not know what else I can do. I have read a lot of ebooks about suffering and giving meaning to it yet my present life still feels meaningless. The idea that my life is only important and wonderful in the far future once I am free, but completely useless in the present, makes me feel annoyed and restless beyond reason.
Life, in most cases, isn't fun at all. The only thing that makes life fun for me is mindless media consumption. As for the rest of things? They are all either tiring, painful, or scary. There is much to walk, much to suffer, and very little to enjoy. Chaos is only fun if you have enough allies and resources. But without them, it is extremely difficult and painful. Do I have no other choice but to accept the meaningless and helplessness of my present moment? I am stuck in a cramped and bland train towards the future, a train so crowded that there is almost no place to sit, and there's nothing else to do except to use your phone or sleep. One might think that this train is good but it's actually very slow and bumpy. I would very much rather walk alone towards the future than to keep riding on this train. Unfortunately, it's not like I can just jump out of the train while it's moving.
Since this online class made me focus and stopped me from wasting the rest of my day, does this mean that this useless and annoying class is actually important and helpful? Does this mean I should have more of these classes, so that I may be forced to spend my free time in an annoying way instead of a wasteful way? Should people be forced to do useful things they don't want to do, or be left alone to be free where they would waste their days nothing important? The ideal answer is that if the things they have to do are actually useful for them, then it would be easy to convince or persuade them to do it. While people should be left to be free, they should not be left alone unless they want to or unless necessary. Thus, I think that there should be at least one social group or government programs that help them exercise their freedom in both fun and productive ways.
But the ideal answer cannot apply to the current situation of the world, at least not until 20 years later. Although there seem to be advantages in forcing people to do annoying things instead of letting them freely waste their life, at most it's only an unintended side effect. Just as how good things can have bad side effects, bad things can have good side effects. It would be a great fallacy to think that something is good just because it has a good outcome. Let's say people are given dangerous jobs with little pay and they accept it because there's no other way to make money in their area. Then does that mean that the business owner is a good person, or at least they're doing a good thing? If somehow, their company is demolished by the government and the workers cry that they lost their jobs, does that mean those jobs were actually good and helpful? No, it's not. Having good outcomes does not make things justified and correct.
Humans always try to find good things in the bad, and bad things in the good. When things are good, they always have something to complain about. When things are bad, they always have something to believe in and look forward to. Just because bad things made people believe and look forward to better things, does not make those bad things good. If the goodness of something depended purely on the reactions of someone, then it is most likely not a good thing. If there is a way to be happy, to learn, and to grow without much unnecessary pain, then one should strive to adopt those ways. A good life is not about constantly picking and justifying the lesser evil, but working towards the highest, ever-changing ideal no matter how difficult it may be.
Self-help books expect people to be heroes defeating the demon king despite being alone. But when life is difficult and you are alone, it would be difficult to defeat even the weakest monsters. Not even the hero can defeat the demon king without a party. Life is not solo leveling. When there's not much you can do, then survive and live for another day. If you are alone, then to survive until the end without going insane is already a great achievement worthy of acknowledgement from the gods. Indeed, there is much to dream, so much time, and so little to do. This train ride will keep going on for longer, so let's patiently wait for the next stop. It may be crowded and annoying, our lives would remain monotone and repetitive, but when we finally get out, I'm sure we'll never run out of fun and productive things to do. For now, let's dream, and keep dreaming, until the promised day arrives.
Lmaoo. I'm the first person to join the online class but I'm the only person in the entire class without a partner for the reporting. I thought no one remembered about me, glad to see that I have one classmate who messaged me asked to be partner for the report. Too bad, my notifications are off so I didn't see their message in time. Therefore, they were partnered with another girl who were also alone. So I'm completely alone, again. But perhaps I can make myself feel better by thinking that by being alone, no one else in the class have to be alone. The total number of students is an odd number, and I'm that odd one out. This always happens to me so I'm not even surprised. I just wish that no one learned, that no one knew, that I'm completely alone. The thought they or anyone else pities my situation makes me extremely annoyed. I do not need their useless pity. I am okay with getting the worst outcomes as long as no one knows about it. But the teacher said in front of everyone, "oh you're the last person, without a partner" and that's... just sad, so sad. They didn't have to say that.
And what's even more annoying is that the girl who asked me to be their partner, yet I failed them by replying late, kept saying "what a waste...", "how regrettable". I know that! I already know that! Ugh. I am so... sigh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa if I am a girl, then I would have cried about it a hundred times already. Unfortunately, I'm a guy, a different human species who does not have any tear ducts. Whatever. This is just part of my normal everyday life anyway, the only thing different is that it was announced to everyone. I should keep living as if no one knew about it.