A report of what I've learned this week.
My curiosity grows every passing day, yet regardless of how much it grows, it can never overcome the walls of fear. It's like a potato plant that happened to grow within the room, yet unable to find the sunlight, it grows and grows, completely filling the entire room, desperately searching for sunlight.
I have noticed. It seems that I experience at least 3 memory failures, 5 attentional failures, 2 decision failures, and 1 motivational failure per day. These failures often happens so naturally and spontaneously that I don't catch them when they appear, they simply take over a part of my mind and make my life a little difficult.
It's too bad, stimulation does not always lead to satisfaction, rather, it rarely leads to satisfaction. So what if you happened to feel comfy, full, and entertained, are you truly satisfied? You're not, I'm not. It's not how satisfaction works. The true satisfaction we rarely get arrives without warning and comes from unexpected clarity and realizations. It's not something we can see, just like social interactions. Just because you are highly stimulated, doesn't mean you're satisfied in the slightest.
Right, I've finally came to accept that social interactions are just incalculable, unpredictable, and unknowable. Regardless how smart you are, you can never calculate or predict them. No matter how much books you read, you can never know them. It is impossible to prepare for them. You can never account for the memories, thoughts, and sensations that arise when they're in front of you. It's simply something that happens, something we have to experience without any thought.
The sensations really make you feel something. First, one will relate their experience to the most intense relevant memories. Next, they'll feel the intense sensations associated with that memory. These sensations may take the form of sudden itching, pain, heat, and other psychosomatic reactions. Then they'll start to generate thought patterns related to the sensation. These thoughts would attach themselves to one's personal narrative and identity, further intensifying the sensations and memory. The cycle goes on.
Look, it's that twisted feeling, the mind-breaking sensation that everything is constantly repeating and repeating without an end, as you feel completely powerless to change anything except to keep rolling again and again. How many times have you repeated this same line of thought? How many times did this same situation happened? You have already lost count long ago. Ahh... your brain TREMBLES. You feel like banging your head on something solid, in hopes that you would remember something important, something so important that you have forgotten long ago. What could it have been?
There's the sensation of constantly trying to fix and work on something that keeps breaking faster than you're trying to fix it. There's the sensation of feeling like a cold and dead corpse without any motivation to do anything except to wander aimlessly. There's the sensation of being infinitely hungry and thirsty, yet unable to find anything that would satisfy even the tiniest bit of your hunger and thirst. There are countless of such and such sensations.
There is obviously something wrong with the way I see the world, seeing it as a cold dungeon of repetition and despair. There is something wrong with the way my body reacts to seemingly harmless events, as if it's overwhelmed with terror at the slightest events and creates hallucinations by relating meaningless stimuli to emotion-filled memories. There is something wrong with the way I think and relate to seemingly normal human experiences, fully denying their existence and importance.
I am fully aware, aware that my awareness can't do much against the wounds and scars I've sustained over time. It feels as if my eyes are perpetually open, unable to blink or close, desperately searching for ways to survive and escape every single moment, noticing every sensation, thought, and emotion that courses through my veins. There's simply no way I can close my eyes, I cannot miss a single thing.
I'll need to relax and chill, for the illusion of permanence is more pervasive than I thought. Just what is making me believe that life will stay like this forever? What is making me think that everything will stay the same, that nothing will ever change? I don't know, I know nothing, there is nothing that I know.
All I know is that I'll have to sleep now and prepare for another repetition tomorrow, this is simply the life I was born with.