I realized within my afternoon nap, that not everything needs to be endured, not everything needs to be feared, and not everything needs to be hidden.
That looking at how unorganized and messed up the school schedule is, the school is starting to look similar to my bunch of groupmates who have no idea what they're doing and simply doing whatever they can. I cannot let myself be stressed by a bunch of monkeys being monkeys.
I had an extremely dark vision, or one would call it a sudden daydream. It was so... indescribable. Yet by letting it unfold in my mind, it gave me intense relief. I can see what kind of person I am now, I'm no longer confused.
The fog in my mind seems cleared. I can see my reality and how messy it is. I can see my identity and how human it is. I can see the world and how simple it is. My imagination is freed. My heart is freed. I can simply sit down in satisfaction and write a 3000-word fictional story. Or I can go outside and actually turn that fictional story into reality.
To turn a random chaotic mess into a meaningful blob, is called a human life. Humans give meaning, not only to their own life, but to the non-living things around them. It is them who can witness the tree falling from the ground and hear its sound. It is these conscious beings that can experience the created universe.
For it is not me that is special, it is not me that is important, it is simply me that gave importance to myself, and to everything around me. Because humans can believe even that which is not true, even non-existent objects and concepts are given life and meaning. The universe may have given life yet it is only humans who know the meaning of the life they are given.
One will never understand the truth of randomness because there is no randomness. Nature does not call it randomness or coincidences. It does not call it fate or destiny. It is what it is. What we call this and that are merely observations of what can be seen and measured, it cannot see the essence, it cannot understand the unseen and the immeasurable. These are something we have to experience by ourselves, they are not primary experiences, I call them Primal Experiences.
For who am I is not limited to what I can do and what consequences I can create. It is not limited to the set of thoughts and feelings I would ever have within my lifetime. It is not limited to what others can see and measure. I am what I am, boundless as the sky, deeper than the ocean, and fleeting as the wind.
For nature has made it so that the birds will leave their shell, then abandon their nest, and someday, break free from their physical body through the experience of death. The only path is freedom, everything ends with freedom. It will forever remain a fact of the universe that one cannot be possessed by anyone nor they will be able to possess someone. As you will eventually learn, not even the gods own our souls and lives.
One can never experience unity without having known about separation. It is only after separation that one can experience true unity. In this life, you must learn that you are a separate entity from the universe that created you. You are separate entity from the parents that birth you. You are a separate entity from the society that controls and nurtures you. If you can witness this separation and accept it wholeheartedly, including the grief and isolation it brings, only then you can reunite with society, with your family, and with the universe.
You must know, that there is nothing else to know aside from what you already know. There is nothing else to do aside from what you can do. There is nothing else to achieve aside from what you already had. To understand this nothingness, this perfection in imperfection, this completion within incompletion, is the key to being truly alive.
No, you cannot be anything other than yourself. You are already being yourself, you just cannot accept it. This is you, yet this is not what all you are. You already know who you are, do not pretend to find it. It is not lost, it can never be lost. It is not broken, it can never be broken. You think you can slowly progress to being who you truly are? No, what you are doing is slowly trying to accept who you are. There is no progress to be made. You are born complete.
This is you, and I'm sure you already know that too.
"The universe does not discriminate between ending and beginnings, from its perspective, it is the same thing."
"There is no dust on the mirror, why are you always trying to clean it?"
"That is not a mask, that is your face. Why do you keep calling it a mask?"