Those were the words my soul desperately wanted to hear. Whether it is to maintain a relationship, complete a task, or just have some fun, nothing seems to be ever enough...
Whenever I see my mother's face, I can't see anything, except the words "you're not enough". I am reminded of all my mistakes and imperfections by just a single look to her. I'm sorry, mom... no matter what I do, I just can never be "enough" for you.
Whenever I try to complete a task and fail, I find a way and try again. I fail, find a way and try again. Repeat this a hundred thousand times. A seemingly endless and meaningless struggle, where the passage of time seems to have disappeared.
My body is strong... but tired. My soul is infinite... yet endlessly bleeding. My mind is boundless... yet filled with darkness. My existence alone, brings me pain, so much pain. What did I do to deserve this much pain?
That's right... it's because I'm not enough.
I wanted to rest... I wanted to escape from all the struggle, so today, I ditched everything and let myself be absorbed by pleasure, reading webtoons. The passage of time... seems to have left me alone again, and the day was already over before I knew it.
In the end, I'm still not happy, I am still not enough... No amount of webtoon chapters can relieve my fatigue, it was never enough. Time is my only company, yet it's leaving me much more often now... It just won't sit beside me with such meaningless activities.
I'm sorry, Time, because I'm not enough.
Tell me... what do you want, for you to stay by my side? Whether I fight an endless war or run for infinite miles, you keep leaving me. So please, tell me... what should I do? How can I... be enough?
I searched through my mind for answers... gratitude, self-acceptance, self-love, self-care... No, this isn't it, my insatiable thirst and hunger isn't the problem. It's that... it's that... huh, I cannot find the words for it.
There's way for me to describe this mental imagery. T-this feeling! It's as if I'm trying to recall a strange dream that I know for sure existed, but already forgot about. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa my stomach hurts and my brain freezes trying to describe it.
Let's forget about figuring the cause of the problem, let's focus on the solution.
I looked within myself, my soul for answers. It's annoying. Always annoying to look within my soul for answers, because it becomes too obvious, on what should I do. Time demands meaning. Life demands meaning.
Everything... everyone, both the finite and infinite, mortal and the Immortal, transient and the eternal, craves for meaning.
And there can only be meaning... if there's freedom. A choice can only be meaningful, if it's made out of free will and not by choice.
I'm a cold person. Extremely apathetic and self-centered. I do not care what happens to me. I do not care what happens to this family. I do not care what will happen to this world.
But man, it's disturbing. I can hear a never-ending cry of a child deep within my soul. It's crying for freedom. It's tears have formed an almost infinite ocean. And that ocean... is me. The cries still haven't stopped, and the ocean... is still expanding.
That's not the only one crying. I can hear the cries of the damned in this world. I feel it... the cries of despair and agony of every single soul in this world, screaming for freedom. It's so annoying. How annoying. Can't everyone just shut the duck up and suffer silently? Gosh.
Can't anyone else hear them? It makes me sick. This world makes me sick. Unless I become deaf, I swear I'll go insane one day hearing these pained screams inside and outside of me.
A creature with free will, an animal body, and a transcendental mind, that's how we humans are. With these kind of complexion, we're doomed to experience conflicts forever.
But to those who can overcome all these conflicts, a great power awaits them, a power even greater than those of celestials. The power to harness nature — to make use of our own instincts and guts, combined with the power to create and the explore the unknown.
Yes, that's how we are — a fusion between creature and creator, and the resulting mutants between this fusion... are what we call "humans". We are born, created, with one single goal in mind:
Be free of our own animalistic impulses, take control them, and take advantage of them, while doing everything it takes to conquer the land of the unknown and reign on top over everything, until the day comes where we kneel before the Creator.
Basically, this can be summed up in three main points: - Freedom over everything that controls us, especially our own animalistic impulses. - Harness and control the power of nature, to wield the blade of imperfection whose growth cannot be stopped nor controlled. - To dominate everything that are around us, to triumph over suffering, ignorance, uncertainty, and death.
The first step, is to be free. The second step is to use our power. And the final step... is to struggle.. and win.
While this may seem like large steps, they are in fact, one single movement that is created after a series of mini movements, like how you stand — you have to move different muscles and joints, just to stand. The only thing you would need to stand, is your will and choice to stand, the your body follows.
One minute is all it takes to do all of those steps. Make the decision, follow the first step, and the rest of the steps will follow.
But of course, why would you do that? It's a forbidden movement in this society, something that should and must never be done, they say. They tell us it would be like trying to fly without wings, or jumping on a cliff deluding yourself that you have wings.
We do not have wings, we cannot fly, we should remain here and do what we're supposed to do, or so they say. It doesn't make any sense, we're born with wings in the first place.
We are already free in the first place. This free will is the source of all our power and freedom. This is... our wings. We can fly. Do you not know that? We have always been able to fly.
Running won't take us anywhere, fighting won't bring an end to the war, those who want freedom, must fly with their own wings.
Do you know what the first parents of all "humans" did? I'm not talking about Adam and Eve, but Andon and Fonta, better known as Sonta-an and Sonta-en, who fled their Primate tribe and home at 11 years old, then journeyed north to start their family.
That was the first time the freedom of choice was ever used in this world, the start of the first human family and the human race.
Huh... I didn't know I have free will. I didn't know I have wings. Maybe, I can fly. Perhaps, I should try, at least once before I would die.
I remember having said this before. That was quite cringe of me.
Today is a mess, I did woke up early in the morning but the second half of the Legendary article I wrote suddenly disappeared and it sent me flying.
The impact of the punch was so hard that I binged read another webtoon for many hours for the rest of the day. However, I remembered that I made a challenge to someone to do something new, talk to someone new, and make progress on something old.
As much as I want to suffer for more, I can't do it. I have to complete that challenge, every single day, regardless of how awful my life becomes.
Now for how it connects to this article, while I was having an existential crisis while binged reading webtoon, I remembered myself again as someone who is a little child crying endlessly that it formed an ocean around me, and I was on the bottom pit of the ocean floor made out of my tears.
Within this depth, the sunlight could barely reach me, so it was very cold and dark. The ocean was a mixture of all my emotions, the evidence for all the suffering I have endured. Because something important suddenly disappeared again from me today, I saw myself in the ocean floor crying again, expanding the already massive ocean.
The pressure here is intense. The darkness just kept increasing. Barely anyone is able to reach me. "I hate this world, what if I use this ocean to just annihilate everything?" my inner self thought to himself.
"But then there's still some light. I'll never forget the light that once held hand. As long as that light exist, as long as even a tiny amount of light exist within this darkness, I will live for the sake of this world." he thought to himself again.
I saw the sunlight and decided to stop crying inside. I'm now here at the plaza, trying to make my day useful.