Today I woke up feeling sick, with a heavy head and stuffy nose. Although my body is very hot and warm, I felt cold and freezing.
My mom gave me some over the counter drug and I got better a few hours later, but heavily sweating all over my body.
My neck felt itchy, so I scratched it. The pain and itch immediately grew and offset the temporary relief I felt. A few minutes later, my entire neck is swelling and sweating, with great itch and pain who knows how long will last.
I've been having this same Chronic Urticaria for years and years, being with my side everytime I got a little stressed or sweaty.
And just now I figured out that I have something called "Chronic Cholinergic Urticaria" — a condition where hives, itchy painful bumps, appear on one's skin as a response to an increase in temperature which gets larger everytime it is scratched.
Even now, as I am writing this, I am experiencing extreme pain and itch all over my body. There's three on the neck, one on the stomach, and one under the knees.
After realizing my condition, I can only breath a sigh of relief, fully understanding that pain and itch will always be there with me through my entire lifetime, through thick and thin, through happiness and suffering.
At first, it looks like a terrible curse, but for me it's a signal — a confirmation that my destiny is to master the self, transcending all desires and suffering.
With this, I have no choice but to grow my pain tolerance and itch tolerance each passing day, otherwise I'll get hospitalized from anaphylactic shock — heavy swelling of the face and chest.
Everytime I allow myself to get caught by even slightest stress or anxiety, painful and itchy bumps would appear on my skin, which would proliferate faster than a cancer cell if I ever tried to touch it.
Every time I let my guard down and unconsciously try to scratch the itch, more unimaginable amount of pain and itch appears from the same spot.
The itch symbolizes our desires, as we are always tempted to scratch them, satisfy them, only to get disappointed and hurt in the end. The pain symbolizes our suffering, the disappointment we experience from not being able to scratch the itch and fully satisfy our desires.
They often come together in pairs, as humanity would often be tormented from chasing their desires and suffering from it.
If one of my sisters ever experienced this, they would probably cry and whine everyday as itchy bumps fill their entire body, without any hope of relief.
It really hurts. It is so itchy. But I dare not to even think of touching it, for I know that nothing good will happen. I dare not to cry about it, for I know that it will never ease the pain.
This unending torment, I'll endure it. This painful challenge, I'll accept it — not because I want to, but because I have no choice otherwise. As I am forever tangled with itch and pain for the rest of my life, I have no choice but to transcend it.
In the process of doing so, I shall transcend all desires and suffering, reaching enlightenment. This too, is training, and I don't shy away from any form of training.
At second glance, this article seems to be a stupid way for the author to inflate their ego, to comfort themselves by making themselves feel special from their pain.
Indeed, this is merely another written work of "10 000 reasons why everything is okay". But the painful truth is, no amount of encouragement and comfort can release us from our itch and pain.
Without any hope of escape, this hell is something each of us has to go through, to keep walking on burning coals until we die as we call it our life's "purpose", "meaning", or "destiny".
"What am I doing here? Why do I have to feel this? Why must I experience this? Why am I alive? What's the point? Just why?"
These questions race within our minds every time we feel intense pain and suffering. Yet regardless how much we ask, we can only hear the echo of our own questions from the distance.
Perhaps the greatest comfort and relief we can give ourselves is to simply accept that there's no way to ease the pain and itch we experience, to stop desperately comforting ourselves and trying to look for a solution.
As we were already born, alive here and now, what else can we do but to endure and live?
"Pain is an awful teacher, giving lessons that one will never forget."
"How tempting it is to scratch the itch, only to experience a greater itch and pain?"
"The attachment to one's pain and itch keeps one close to their pain."