School is almost over. The year is almost about to end. Yet it appears that my life has became a hundred times more unproductive than before. True enough, hardships make one grow just like how sun grows the plants under its light. Still, too much sunlight can completely dry and wither the plant. And that seems to be my situation right now.
Weeks passed by without any creative activity, project, or articles. Everytime I do house chores, I keep thinking about doing productive and creative things, like writing more articles or creating more possibilities for the world. Yet when life gives me free time, whenever I am given a moment of rest, I had already lost my mind from all the work I had to do, thus I end up wasting all my time in mindless stimulation and entertainment.
There's simply no way I would blame to universe or my work for what happened to me. It's not that I had lost my mind, it's that I wanted to lose my mind, to be so drunk from fleeting pleasures that I may forget for a moment that I'm currently slaving away my life doing painful and meaningless things that seem to have no end.
I used to be a really productive person, one who would use their time in the wisest way possible. But now I can't help but be distracted by the smallest things and worry about the most trivial things.
I really want to be right. To do things right. However, I am now in the wrong. It is bothersome to be in the wrong side of the equation, to get the short end of the stick that almost everyone dislikes. Was life too painful that I end up like this? No, life was more painful before, yet I was able to fight and manage. Now that I am refusing to fight, the intrapsychic conflicts are devouring my mind.
Even though I fight no more, as long as there's something within my mind that sees the world in terms of losses and gains, winners and losers, suffering and happiness, I am inevitably dragged in a bloody battlefield against my will. Should I take up the sword and fight again? Should I become a self-improvement person once again who worships the productive and condemns the unproductive? No, I will not regress.
Competition is just another form of slavery, a more subtle one. My conscious mind refuses to compete anymore yet deep within, there's a tiny little me that wants to be win, to become better, to become a little bit special.
Oh little one, you seem so confused and irritated, what's bothering you? Why do you need to win? Why do you need to be better than everyone else?
Seeing the world outside the windows isn't enough to satisfy anyone, they must also touch and feel the world. Feeling the world is nice but they also need to smell and hear the world. Hearing the world is fun yet it won't be complete without tasting the world, even if it burns the tongue. Seeing, touching, smelling, hearing, and tasting the world is great, the only thing left is to interact with the world.
It's not that you want to live in a better world. Rather, you want to touch, smell, hear, taste, and interact with the world instead of just seeing and knowing it. A curious child cannot help but cry if they're not allowed to go outside. You want to be connected with the world you came from. And winning a game allows you to temporarily take the stage and feel connected with the universe.
It's like playing a game and your character can only move in an extremely limited space. The outside world is not unlocked yet, other maps are still locked, almost everything is still not unlocked because of this story and that story. But life isn't a game. There are no games except the ones we choose to play. There are no stories except the ones we choose to believe. Nothing is locked. We are free.
Life isn't a game where you can only get something by following the story. There are no such rules except the ones we choose to believe. Unlike any game, there are infinite possibilities. One's creativity has no limits. You may explore anywhere and everywhere. You can always stop playing the game, stop believing in bad stories, and do something else. You are free, there is no competition, only cooperation.
Because humans have the capacity to explore infinite amount of storylines, being stuck in a single story can never satisfy them. The world is vast and our life is no more than just a tiny dot in the grand universe. If we're stuck in a single place forever, we'll be no different than a motionless rock.
We can explore, so why not explore? There are countless games, infinite stories waiting for us. There are characters to be met, places to be seen, and life to lived. Even death is just another place for us to discover. Suffering is just another experience among countless experiences to have.
Oh little one, you do not need to fight anyone, become better, or win anything. Even without all that, even if you lose every game, even if you do not get better, you can explore the world as much as you want.
Be free, simply because you are.
"I seriously didn't expect to cry at the end lol, what a surprise."
"No, I did not just sobbed uncontrollably for ten minutes in the bathroom for the first time in my adult life."
"Why does this seemingly boring world look so new and beautiful? It feels like seeing the world for the first time."