To withhold is just as important and necessary as giving.
A few hours of glimpse to the forbidden secrets of the world was enough for me to realize this truth, as well as subject me to unimaginable kinds of pain.
I long to embody the Infinite, whose resources never runs out. To embody nature, giving sunlight and fresh air to everyone. I have long wanted for my name to be synonymous with generosity, for the sake of my own childish pride. Thus, I have always given so easily, so freely, to anyone who open their hands.
I refuse to hold back anything. (Even if I'm holding back everything irl for now.) I refuse to hide and withhold any secrets to those who ask. (Even though I hide everything irl for now.) There's nothing that would make me happy more than seeing dreams, wishes, curiosities, and prayers to be fulfilled, without the endless mortal struggle and herculean efforts that often accompany it, just for the tiniest chance to make it possible.
I want to be a genie.
To fulfill people's wishes impartially and watch the chaos unfold. A genie who can grant infinite wishes may seem wonderful at first, but I have seen, I have witnessed from my own experience, that it is the worst genie in the world. Those who rub your lamp will sing praises at you, worship you, and adore you at first. After a dozen wishes, they'll start to ignore you and only talk to you when they need something. After hundreds of wishes, they'll curse, drown, and neglect you except when they need something. After thousands of wishes, they'll try to destroy you just so others can never have you.
I have seen other genies. Those who can grant three wishes are often treated as friends. Those who can grant two wishes are treated as best friends. Those who can grant only a single wish are treated as family. Meanwhile, the ones who are treated as gods, worshipped and praised everyday, are the ones that grant a single wish every year but only after their followers have given live sacrifices everyday, without missing a single day.
Perhaps, there's a reason why the rain would shower the land one drop at a time instead of pouring all water at once. Maybe there's a reason why we can only read one word at a time instead of an entire page at once.
I hate it. I really hate it. The act of withholding things, the feeling of crushing and strangling people's hopes and dreams, leaving their questions unanswered, disgusts me to the core. I thought it's only the world that loves scarcity, that it's only capitalism and its gods that benefit from it, but... from what have seen, even the universe is complicit to such a terrible crime. It's such a morbid, soul-crushing realization.
This cursed ducking universe... It hates intense things, it hates finishing things in one explosive burst. It hates overpowered characters. It's too obsessed with stability, accumulation, and slow growth. Yuck. What kind of insane universe I have found myself in? Maybe I should just ducking chomp it right here and now.
But I won't. As much as disgusting this universe turned out to be, it's also surprisingly entertaining. I still don't want to give limited wishes; I want to be Infinite after all. I don't want to be those false gods and genies who requires live sacrifices to fulfill someone's wish.
So I have an idea!
Instead of giving infinite unconditional wishes, I would simply give infinite conditional wishes. However, there's only one tiny problem: it would be extremely difficult for me to pretend that I actually care about those conditions in the first place. I want to be the purest and best genie in the world. But purity without strength and resolve, won't even last a millisecond when exposed to the elements of this world. Maybe this is why the best things in the world are often concealed, pretending to be their opposites.
The way that is bright seems dull. The way forward seems to lead back. The smooth way seems rough. The highest virtue seems a valley. The purest whiteness seems stained. Excessive virtue seems defective. Solid virtue seems inactive. Simplicity appears sullied. The great square has no corners. The great vessel takes long to fashion. The great note is soundless. The great image has no form. The Dao hides in namelessness.
Pretend this, pretend that, I don't want to pretend anything at all. I want to wear my heart on my sleeves even if everyone would target it every time they see it. Best of all, I can afford it, for now. I have long known how to be perfect and it is to my delight that I still have the luxury to remain imperfect. I know best how to be attractive, but being unattractive and repulsive is more fun and unpredictable. I know how to be successful, but being able to choose failure is a unique kind of freedom.
Until the time where failure is no longer an option, I'd love to keep failing. Until the time I'm bored of being unattractive, I don't want to be attractive. I want to remain both infinite and unconditional for a little bit longer.
Sigh. In the end, I'm no different; falling prey to the trap of scarcity like all others. It's simply ridiculous, why praise a flower cut from the stem, one that will wilt tomorrow, more than a spring of clean water that will last for a long time? I know the answer. I hate it, I hate that I know it, and I hate that I hate it.