chapter*Dad
textscCandy was shit stone perfect.
Like you’ve never had.
When you’re young you wonder if beautiful people fuck better. Some children think they do. Which of course is not true. But there is a truth in there sideways: all sex is not the same. It’s not better because you’re beautiful. It’s better because you’re a freak.
Candy was a freak.
She wasn’t thinking. In her mind—she wasn’t there. It was wrong, what we were doing. And not just because we were doing it. Because of emphhow we did it. You know those five questions—the basic ones—the ones they teach in kindergarten? Who, what, when, where, and why? The five Ws. (And one H: emphhow.) It’s really the H that matters.
With Candy the H was everything.
With Candy the H was slow where it could have been fast. It was reversed when it could have been head-on. With Candy it was over when it could have continued. At the place where others stop, Candy’s how kept going. It was on where it could have been off. It was interval when it could have been continuous. It was integral..where it could have been derivative.
Or this could be the drugs talking.
Yeah, it might be the drugs talking.
Have you ever taken crystal meth? No? Well let me tell you.
Here’s how Candy describes it:
“I can start to understand..you know..I can start to understand how you’d be willing to go to jail for the rest of your life..just to fuck someone. I can start to understand what it must be like to be a guy. To care for that little girl. But to want to rape her. And to do it. To put her desires aside and do it anyway. I can start to understand that. Do you think I’m crazy?” Candy says.
And I say: “No.”
Candy is in the dark. Candy is moving. We’re in the dark.
“For me,” I say, “it’s like..it’s like I’m not even human when I’m on it. I look at things. Like..”
Candy’s how is moving in the dark.
“..I look at things that I would never look at when I’m sober. Like..”
“Tell me,” she says. She wants to know.
“Terrible things.”
She’s biting me.
“Terrible things.”
“I want to know.”
“I look at pictures I would never look at. Movies. I don’t care if they get hurt. I don’t care..if they die. They’re not there. They’re there for me. They just fucking need to..they just need to make me cum.”
“But you can’t.”
“Of course you can’t.”
“I like how this feels.”
“You can never cum. You can never—”
But Candy brings me back to the present.
“You can cum later. I’ll make you.”
“I emphcan’t cum on this stuff. But not-cumming is better than normal cumming. And these pictures. I think there’s something wrong with me. I’m a serial killer or something. When I’m looking at this stuff the next day I’m like—who empham I? Who is this guy that looks at this? That emphlikes this? That thinks that this is fun. Who emphis that guy? I mean how can I like that? Watching someone else’s pain?”
And Candy says: “We’ll look at porn at Cock’s house.”
She’s off of me. She’s standing up. The lights are on.
“Where?”
Candy’s standing by the door.
“Inside. Let’s go.” And she flips off the light.
I’m in the Camaro, driver’s seat.
We’re inside Cock’s garage.
How long have we been in here?
We’ve been in here the whole time.
“Candy. Where’s Becca?”
But Candy’s gone.
cfsection textscWhat’s inside is hard.
It’s Becca.
Candy is between me and them.
Behind her is Cock.
The TV is on.
The TV is playing.
It’s playing gay porn.
There’s a cop in the house.
There’s a fucking cop.
He’s got his pants off.
Are they just playing?
It’s a real cop.
Rebecca is with them.
She’s handcuffed to the entertainment center.
There’s this bar. She’s handcuffed to that.
Her arm is twisted weird.
Cock is completely naked.
All the lights are on.
It’s still dark.
Cock has a taser. He’s holding it to his dick.
“SHOULD I DO IT?” he shouts. “SHOULD I DO IT?”
Candy makes a motion toward him.
Cock holds the taser in the air. He’s swinging free.
I’m in the house.
There’s a cop there with his pants off and he’s pulling up his underwear when I come in.
The kitchen counter has Chinese cartons, cocaine, and a gun.
“Where’s Liss?”
“Where’s emphMega Cock!!?” That’s Candy.
Cock isn’t listening.
Becca’s pointing at the door.
“Where’s Liss?” I say.
Rebecca’s pointing at the door.
“Mega Cock has her, I GUESS,” Cock says. He tases his wall. Nothing happens.
I’m looking at the door.
“She was there a second ago,” Becca says.
Candy says: “Take her out of the handcuffs!”
The doorbell rings.
“I’m getting the door.”
“Cock. Where is the key?”
“Jimmy threw it over there.”
“The key is WHERE???”
“Over there.”
“Be more specific??”
Jimmy says: “They’re in the sink. Near the sink.”
Candy’s up in Jimmy’s face. “WERE YOU SUCKING MY BOYFRIEND’S COCK??!!!” She knees him. She goes to Cock and starts to say something but Cock has the taser in her face.
I’m at the door: it’s my little girl!
By the time I get back emphCandy has the taser.
Liss has Mega Cock.
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah,” Liss says, “He’s fine.” She takes Mega Cock to the pool table and sets him down. He’s wearing a trash bag. “You might want to change that,” Liss says. She goes past all of us, she goes outside.
She closes the door behind her.
She sits by the pool.
“NOW! You wanna go take care of your baby! Did she have him?”
“He’s on the pool table.”
“Why don’t you go get your baby off the emphpool table. Yeah. I’ll hold onto this.” She pockets the taser. “Grab his gun.”
I see it on the counter.
“Grab it. He’s not a real cop.”
I take the gun.
“Now Jimmy.” Candy has his nuts in striking distance. “You wanna unlock my maid?”
Jimmy’s watching me with the gun.
His lips are dry; he’s totally coked-out.
This half-naked cop rooting around the trash trying to find the key.
“Becca. You alright? Sorry about this.”
Becca says: “I’m fine.”
“Did they hurt you?”
“We didn’t hurt her!” Cock yells.
“Did they hurt you?”
“We just wanted her to watch!” Cock says. He’s back with the baby.
“Jimmy! How’s that key?”
Jimmy mumbles. Fucking cop with his slacks at his ankles.
“You can go after this,” Candy says. “I’m so sorry.”
“That’s okay.” Becca holds her hand up. “I can stay.”
“Could you? I mean once we let you out. Once..emphJimmy here..lets you out. Motherfuckin’: did he suck your dick?” Candy hits Cock, even though he has the baby. “Or did you suck his?” Candy looks at me: “Stupid question, huh?”
“Yeah.” Stupid question.
“How’s my little Mega Cock?”
“Find that key??!”
“I’mma check on Liss.”
“Go ahead. Take that gun.” Jimmy looks up. “Jimmy. Do you really think you’re in any shape to be holding a emphgun? Why’d you come, anyway?”
“Neighbors called.”
I’m at the door.
“Why’d the neighbors call emphthis time?”
“Chair.” Both Cock and Jimmy say it.
Oh yeah.
Candy says: “Thanks.”
I close the door. I’m out with Liss.
I sit next to her and put the Glock on the edge of the pool.
There’s a shark in the pool. That’s SHARK! He’s this black-green shot. Shooting. Shooting around the pool.
“We’re gonna have to take him out soon.”
“Is he a saltwater shark?”
“No,” Liss says. “The chlorine.”
“Oh.” I stand. “I’ll get a bucket.”
Liss ignores me. I think she’s mad.
I leave her at the pool and go inside.
“Does anybody have a bucket?”
Candy is on the one couch. She’s smoking.
Cock and Mega Cock and the cop are on the other couch.
Becca has the handcuff off. She’s sitting on the floor.
Candy pats the cushion next to her.
I’m thinking about making a trip to the bathroom.
“Richard. Have a seat.”
“Jimmy: this is Richard. Richard: Jimmy.”
“Hi.”
“Hello.”
“So why are you here, Jimmy?”
“The neighbors called the cops.”
“Was it Mr. Abbott?”
“No it was—”
“Shut up Jimmy. Just shut up.” Candy motions to Becca. “Lock him up. You still got that gun? Good.”
I never have a chance to tell her I don’t have it.
“Jimmy. Grab some floor.”
“Candy. What are you doing?”
“Becca. Lock im up. Don’t resist Jimmy. You know what the punishment is for resisting arrest around here.”
“Candy. I was just going.”
“Yeah,” Cock says, “He was just going.”
“What did he tell you?” Candy stands and prods Jimmy to the entertainment center. She never even takes the taser out.
Becca handcuffs Jimmy to the bar.
Candy checks the handcuffs.
She sticks her face in his. “What. Did. He. Tell. You.”
“Who?”
“Candy, don’t fuck with him—”
Candy goes for the taser.
“What did emphwho tell me?”
“Mr. Abbott. What did that fucker say?”
“I don’t even know who Mr. Abbott is!”
“Mr. Abbott!! 19 Shady Tree Lane!! You know who Mr. Abbott is!!”
“Candy. Just..chill.” That’s Cock.
Becca goes to the kitchen. She opens a drawer. She takes out a serving spoon. She gets herself a plate. She scoops cold lo mein from a box. She puts the plate in the microwave. She throws the spoon in the sink. There’s so much stuff in the sink it doesn’t even clank. It makes a muted sound.
Candy has the taser on Jimmy’s neck.
“What did Mr. Abbott say?”
“Is Mr. Abbott the guy in the wheelchair?”
Liss pulls the door closed behind her.
I guess we’ll deal with that shark later.
“No,” Candy says. “Mr. Abbott isn’t in a wheelchair. We just saw him running. Now—” She kicks Jimmy in the face. “—Here’s-a-what we’re gonna do—”
But Liss has the Glock. She’s got it in both hands.
“No,” my daughter says, “emphThis is what we’re gonna do.”