I guess I'm not the Doubler anymore. I have been demoted back to being a Loser lol
It always happens. It's always like this. I pray something deeply or write something super deep and dramatic, then I can make it come true once or twice in a row. Only for me being unable to do it again.
Is it because I've gone arrogant to do it the third time? Is it because I have taken it for granted? Is it because my power only works that way? Is it because I have lost the unyielding belief in face of uncertainty and started holding the arrogance of thinking in certainty? It certainly do feels like there's something special about the first try and the second try, as if the narrative demands it, all which are lost in the third try.
It's like the formula is:
Desperate situation + unyielding spirit against all odds * asking the universe sincerely for help = magic
The problem is if you have succeeded doing the magic in the first and second, all the feeling of risk, uncertainty, desperation, and sincerity disappears in the third try; and trying to manufacture that same mental state proves impossible for my too-honest mind that will not hesitate to break the 4th wall if it detects any form of self-deception. Even if you do try to ask the universe for help, it would come across as insincere since you'd be thinking that if you performed the same mechanical actions, it would lead to the same result anyway.
Ughhh this is super annoying as hell! What's with these cringe mechanics? Do I look like a priest to you?! Well, I have certainly seen one version of my parallel/future selves where my mind is in a constant state of prayer, and every action I take is filled with sincere, divine purpose, with my mind always asking the gods for cooperation while offering all my cooperation at the same time. A ceaseless communion with the divine.
I wonder how I've come to have a vision of that stupid scenario. I don't want to be merely independent from society, I also want to be independent from the gods themselves. Perhaps, this is the greatest height of arrogance? Since I would no sooner return to my old ways and ask the entire universe for help everytime I get into a desperate situation. Maybe the universe is telling me that I can either become a cog in the machine or a pawn of the gods.
I must sound so schizophrenic right now. Rest assured that I'm not hearing any voices or seeing any things yet, though I would secretly love for that to happen.
I need to do that work right now and create the organization. Yet I'm too cynical and lazy about it. I've always been a fantasy person. Almost every dramatic and crazy thing I've written is a part of fantasy I have, of becoming the person in my dreams, one who's secretly all-powerful without being all-knowing or all-present. These fantasies are so absurd that I always laugh at them, even though I would pounce at every realistic opportunity to make them come true.
But what determines whether something is realistic or not? "Easiest things are the most realistic, hardest things are not." Or so that's what I heard. Making that organization isn't easy. Therefore, it's not realistic. See how that works? It's a lazy losers excuse lmao.
I'm such a spoiled.. human. If only there's an ancient grandmaster who would take me in or kidnap me so they would harshly train me in secret arts on a secluded mountain for 14 hours a day for at least three years, then I would have no reasons or luxury to act so spoiled. I would have to simply train diligently each day and follow the master's guidance without thinking of anything else.
But that's not the current situation. Right now, nothing's stopping me from playing games all day long instead of creating a random organization. Nothing's stopping me from binge reading countless manwhas all day long instead of participating in creative work. Nothing's stopping me from complaining or procrastinating all the time instead of doing anything productive. When there's no plot going on, even the most interesting characters would have no choice but to engage in repetitive, mundane work of living. Some readers would still probably read that story and call it "slice of life". Except I'm not interesting either.
You know what plot sounds like? It's being surrounded by three girls, waking up not from an alarm from a kiss and the smell of a prepared breakfast on the table, attending a few meetings as a CEO of a giant conglomerate, interviewing several individuals suspected to be top tier hidden geniuses, creating hidden treasures on the internet, hiding treasure chests in real life, a mysterious organization who's begging me to help them again, a transcendent sage bestowing me their secret arts, going to rich places pretending to be a normal poor person, patrolling at night to help homeless and runaways, them letting them spend the night in the most luxurious mansion. NOW THAT, IS PLOT.
All I'm doing is simply adding as many dramatic flourish to my life as much as possible, so I can keep laughing at them until this mundane existence is finally over. What's interesting is that some people get actually convinced with it. I don't speak irl to limit my sphere of influence and yet the people around me sometimes act as if I'm a great or overpowered person loll. Even in my first homeless run, they assumed that I have become rich or lucky enough to have a place to stay instead of sleeping in the streets. HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAHA.
The imagination of humans are truly amusing. It can't be helped. It's only natural that lots of rumors would surround the quiet ones. But if I speak? If I really speak what's on my mind, like how I speak on the internet? I bet the rumors would be even more staggering and spread even further. Maybe that's my real ability? The superpower to make people believe in my bullsheep. Nah, I'm not Lee Kiyoung. I'd rather not make any humans believe in such lies. Truth must be transparent and precise at all times, that's how we can create a world without any misunderstanding, with a lot more laughing.
That's why, I'm thinking, I'll remove that article about the "Doubler". Not because it's unreal. But because it's way too embarrassing after I have already lost. I mean, I still have some emergency balance left (which could be why I lost since I didn't went fully all-in at the third try) and I could win with that emergency balance, still achieving my goals before November ends. Hell, perhaps there's a butterfly possibility where keeping that article public would actually allow me to reach the goals listed there!! Sigh... Too bad, I'm not schizophrenic enough for that yet. Guess I'll take that down. Then post it again when I actually win. I could just say Redacted or Removed in the main page to make it more mysterious, but I'd rather not make my readers feel the frustration of missing out on a possibility.
Now, back to that organization I need to create. I'm still too lazy to create it. I don't want to dismiss the possibility of creating it either. Whatever should I do? Of course, like any other genius would do, I would simply store it my backlog of unfinished work until I have completely forgotten about it.
Still, I'm curious about one thing. If I really wanted to just play games all day long, if I wanted to read manwhas all day long, then why? Why am I writing this article? What.. do I really want?