Kristi says, "You're such a poet..such a lover..why don't you make a love story?"
"The erotic thriller is the love story of this generation, Kristi."
"It is?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because..what we call a love story is not believable by the current age. They consider it corny. This is a much more dangerous world than mine of only 10..20 years ago. These people..that sounds awful..the lovely people of your generation are excited by violence much more than people my age. There's no more cuddly little teddy bear..it's not something they can place their faith in after so many government lies have worn thin. My parents..they could trust the government..they thought they could trust the guy they were on a date with. They couldn't..but they thought they could. This generation..they know they can't. So you can't sell them a straight love story (that isn't corny as hell) but you can sell them something that scares the shit out of them and excites them sexually at the same time. That's as close as they're gonna get to love. Or that's the only way you're going to get them to back into true love. I'm not saying the love story doesn't exist. Blue is the Warmest Color..that's a love story. But a story like that comes along once every ten years."
"I like Blue is the Warmest Color. Most people think it's boring."
"It may be boring but it's a masterpiece. You have to work with what you're given. You know? As a director you don't actually make anything. You just work with what you're given."
"What do you mean?"
"It's like David O Russell. He made that one great movie, then he makes that shitty one, then he goes back to something that worked for him."
"What? Strong female leads?"
"No. Jennifer Lawrence."
Somewhere in scene 57 a production assistant says (audibly): "Does the concept of a virgin losing her innocence have some kind of special meaning to you?"
"What is this? Do I get—honestly."
I stand up.
"Since when does a director get morality quizzed by her crew??!! Listen up. I'm 40 years old. The concept of virginity stopped being interesting to me a couple decades ago, plus a couple years. You think I'm making this movie 'cause it excites me? We—you and I—are making this movie 'cause it excites other people. We're here for them and their sick fantasies, ok? If we wanted to get ourselves off I'd take you in the restroom, sit on your cock, and fuck the shit out of you."
I walk over to this kid.
I'm a foot taller than him.
I grab his cheek.
"You'd like that wouldn't you."
I slap his face to the side.
"Get it straight. We're here to get other people off—not ourselves. This isn't a whorehouse—it's an arthouse. My panties—well, my panties are another story—it's the panties of every 16-year-old girl who watches this flick that we're interested in. And we're gonna have those little bitches squirming in their theater seats and we're going to show them something—not that's gonna blow their little pussy lips off—but that's gonna blow their minds. When they get home and jill off to this shit, their minds are gonna be as big as if alien disclosure just happened, ok? That's your job. That's my job. Personally the idea of a virgin doesn't excite me any more than a Twix wrapper."
Everyone on set was silent.
"You want to hear about pussy? I'll tell you about mine. My pussy is getting very, very angry. And boys, you don't want to be around when a woman's pussy gets angry. So let me handle the ideology and you handle getting my coffee. There's not going to be any mutiny on this set and if you think there is, let me remind me how rapidly I can fire your ass—any of your asses—understood?"
After that we had no more of that particular argument.
But we had plenty of others.
I heard it all—and this is from my own crew.
"It's exploitation of women."
"Of course it's exploitation of women. Women's bodies. That's half of film and 75% of culture at large. Maybe 80%. You think just 'cause I'm a woman I'm not gonna have this 17 year old strip naked in front of this 45-year-old man? I'm here exploiting the same shit men directors are and as soon as you understand that, you'll understand that you're working on a real film, not a film directed by a woman. We're here to manipulate people and if you don't think that women can manipulate people as well as or better than men, then you've never been in a relationship, a bar, or a boardroom. Anna Hanna, why is our rinky dinky little bitch character stripping for this old man?"
She doesn't even look up.
"Because it gives her power over him."
I look at the costume technician who started this little discussion.
"Bingo. Even little Anna Hanna up there knows that and let me let you in on a little secret: she prob'ly knew it since she was 14. Did I ever tell you my theory on dog training?"
"No."
"Well let me tell you sometime. It's real interesting. But here's the hint: it revolves around who's training who. Ya get me?
"Yeah."
"I thought you would. Now if we're done philosophizing I'd like to shoot my fucking film."
Or this argument:
My brilliant script supervisor realizes:
"It's a detective story."
"Yes."
"You said you hated detective stories."
"Yes, detective stories, courtroom dramas..all shit."
"Is yours shit?"
"No, mine's good."
"What's the difference between a good detective story and a bad one?"
"The degree to which the detective is in danger, naturally."
Or this argument, from the illustrious Marcus Howell upon the completion of a scene:
"You had to have your cum shot."
"That's not a cum shot. This isn't a porno. There's no cum shot."
"What exactly is it that makes that not a cum shot?"
"Well, first of all, because there's no cum."
But he was right, of course: I was making the sickest movie possible that could still be shown.