End of 2024

First of all, duck the disability office for giving too much requirements for disability id. Second, duck the Xiaomi corporation for making my shitty phone that does not have wifi after a few weeks and refuses to answer my emails. Third, duck the national council on disability government organization for not responding to my emails. Duck them all. I curse the irresponsible duckers that were directly responsible for this farce.

Unconditional positive regard, that is my current attitude in all human relationships. Unfortunately, it tires me greatly that people simply do not reply, share anything, or ask any questions. Am I too autistic? Too domineering? Or something else? I have no way of knowing without explicit feedback from the environment. If I'm the only one holding everything together, then let them dissolve, all of them.

Trying to find a source of money in the world is like trying to find water in the desert. Most sources have already been monopolized and exploited. Even if you get lucky and find a hidden underground water source, it won't take long for others to steal it. Extremely difficult. How is it possible all the popular and most accessible ways to earn money, are all mind-numbing, soul-sucking drudgery where great effort is exchanged for miniscule rewards?

Why is life like this? Is it supposed to be like this? Everything is a struggle. And I... am too peaceful of a person to fight or compete with anyone. I don't need to be rich. I don't need any luxuries. I don't need a degree. I don't even need a house. I just want to teach my future students and children. Why all these complications?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAÀAAA. I can't concentrate. I can't focus. I can't decide. I can't think. I can't stop wasting my time.

 
### Going home
I want to go home. The world is my home. I could stay here but enduring additional bullsheep without any foreseeable benefit to myself just doesn't sit well with me. It's possible to remain here while my soul goes home but I think that's going to break me. I am sad to say that I can neither explain nor can anyone understand my situation even if I explained it well. My mind, thoughts, they're long gone, far away from what's normal and relatable. Going home might make me insane from the insanity of the self. I might die within the first week. Staying here will let me survive for quite a while. But I would continue to get afflicted by insanity of the crowd. I might lose myself after a few months. Which insanity should I take?

I don't care about the results. I could not care less about the process. I simply want to choose. I want to jump... even if I don't have any wings in the first place. I'm selfish and self-centered. I'm sorry for being born this way. I'm sorry for choosing the wrong things. It can't be helped. They're calling me, I have to go. I might not return.

Those who see me will say that I'm just a spineless kid who can't persevere, who can't trust the process like everyone else. And they're right, I can't trust the process at all. The process has always betrayed me. I cannot trust something that does not care about me, only about the results I can give. I'm sorry for being spineless. I'm sorry for being weak. But this place, I cannot breathe. I cannot cry. I cannot smile. I cannot believe. Everything within me have been screaming to go home for the past few years. And because I'm tired now, I can no longer ignore or suppress their screams. But it's okay. As long as I'm here, I will follow the rules. I will not complain. I will not cry. But please do not find me when I suddenly disappear. Please do not cry when I decide to go home.

Why can't I live a normal life like everyone else? I want to know the answer to that too. Tell me, why am I like this? Why am I born like this? I don't know. I tried my best to stay here. I tried my best to change and adapt until I can no longer breathe. And now, I just realized, I want to breathe after all. I'm so sorry. For being so powerless. For not being able to communicate. Indeed, I could have changed the world from the inside and interact with the environment to accommodate my needs. But I am unable to do so. I neither have the courage, energy, and motivation for that. A doctor cannot treat patients when they are sick. But I could have, I should have. I find myself too spineless and powerless to free the child in Omelas. So like others, I will walk away from Omelas, and maybe someday, I can return stronger with more courage.

I'm probably making the worst decision of my life. I would probably regret it. Still, at this point, I don't know why it would be worst. I don't know why I would regret it. I have to know and experience exactly why I would regret it. But I'm confident that I will adapt quickly when I return home. It would not be comfortable or convenient but it's okay. My life does not have to be comfortable or successful, it only needs to be my choice. Ever since I was a child, I like to think that I'm blessed and protected by the spirits even when I'm often unlucky. When I was sad for a long time, a random child appeared in the park to give me food while I was sitting on the bench. When I'm broke for a long time, I end up in the election seminar where I received bribery money to buy mobile data and load for my phone. I'm sure the spirits would help me too on my way home.

Ever since I was a child, I like to think that I'm actually secretly strong and cool. I learned to fight back against nightmares in my dream when I was little. Zombies, vampires, demons, monsters, I fought them all in my nightmares. Rarely are there times where I would lose to my nightmares. Whenever there are difficult tasks at school that are graded individually and everyone expects me to lose, I often end up winning even against the strictest and most demanding teachers. Now that I'm an adult, I always feel extremely potent energy inside me for repressing and suppressing all my emotions and desires for countless years. I always imagine myself to be restrained by chains at every part of my body, while wielding a sword on my hand. So even if there are bad people who try to hurt me on my way home, I will be safe by taking the pleasure to cut them down and release some energy.

Although humans often imagine themselves to be struggling when they are alone and homeless, I do not see myself that way at all, I can't imagine it no matter what I do. On the contrary, I think I will be perfectly happy and safe. It's strange, I don't know exactly why I would think that way. But maybe in reality, it would be different. I would probably struggle a lot. I don't think I'll be homeless though because I will be going home where I belong.

It's really weird. Just what's making me go home at this point in time? Why didn't I feel this way years ago? Why am I only realizing this now? Maybe the spirits really want me to go home, that they created all kinds of inconveniences and even broke my phone wifi. I wonder what will happen if I stayed for a year longer instead of going home. I'll probably regret it, even more than going home. In the end, I don't know what will happen next. And that's what makes life interesting.

 
### Counterarguments
One could argue that staying here is also a choice, a choice which can be framed as courageous and understanding, full of perseverance and strength. That's true. But to say that this choice is better than the choice of leaving, or to simply say that a choice is better than the others, ignores the existential value of choice itself as an expression of will. Choices can only be compared to each other in relation to the consequences, yet in terms of their existential value, their importance as a possibility of self-expression, all choices are equal. The choice to survive is as respectable and important as the choice to die. But in the context of social norms and cultural values, the choice to survive, especially with others, is infinitely more important than the choice to die.

We can see that the current conditions of staying here is actually significantly better compared to Nazi labor camps. However, not only this is an invalid comparison, it also feeds on the bias of false equivalence by forcing oneself to choose between lesser evils when more possibilities are allowed. Just because someone said "back in my day, I walk ten mountains to reach school", doesn't mean you should do the same, nor does it mean you should be grateful for only having to walk two mountains to reach school.

One could say that I'm only making this choice because of temporary suffering and afflictions. And they are right. But I can also say that I'm making this choice because I want to, and this irrational desire, encapsulated in the phrase "because I want to", is the most valid and relatable than all logical reasoning. One is not required to provide a rational explanation for every decision. Doing something because of one's preferences and desire is just as equally valid, if not more. We humans have become slaves to reason and logic that we find ourselves unable to follow our destiny or care for others. We feel that we are always required to provide a reason for everything we think or do. That should not be the case. Reason is just one of our tools to reach our dreams, it's not supposed to stop us from dreaming.

Some spectators would probably say that if I only had more friends or had a better phone that can use WiFi, then I wouldn't have had to make the decision to go home. No, that's not necessarily the case. They may have contributed to the factors and influenced my decision, but I think they are all just excuses and justifications. In the end, I just want to go home and wander inside my home. And that's something most people can't understand, so I have to provide them with rational justifications. Not that they need to understand it in the first place.

Let me just make it clear that I am not averse to work and suffering. I will do any work as long as it's humane, but only up to 4 hours a day. There must not be extra homeworks beyond this 4 hours. Still, I prefer doing work that involves mostly involves thinking or teaching. I might consider working for longer hours if that's my role. I will not tolerate sudden calls or sudden overtimes, and I reserve the right to reject them without being terminated for doing so. Anything that requires me to endure without any compensation or foreseeable benefit to myself, I will abandon in an instant without warning or hesitation.

I tried to scale the mountain. It is difficult and time-consuming. Everyone rushes to scale the mountain. But now that I'm getting closer, I see that it is empty at the top. I see that everyone around me who is scaling the mountain with me are also empty. When I looked inside me, I found that I am also empty. I feel naked in my emptiness. It has become obvious to me that scaling the mountain is not worth it. I feel an irresistible urge. I want to cut down the mountain that wasted my time. I want to slash the well-meaning companions who urged me to climb. Above all, I want to stab the me who got fooled to climb the mountain. For others, they may see that I have suddenly lost my mind and jumped down the mountain for no reason. It matters not whether I survive the fall. For me, I see that I have suddenly regained my mind and tried to salvage the remaining life I have left. First, I will find the clothes I have abandoned. For me, I see that I am wearing my clothes when everyone else are naked. For others, they see that I am being naked when everyone else are wearing clothes. One cannot be blamed for trusting the eyes they use to see

 
### Counteranalysis
On second thought, I think it's really not that bad to stay here. It's painful, annoying, and not enough but it's somewhat decent. I realize that I'm often too philosophical and theoretical yet I lack both the boldness and skill to follow through in reality. Maybe I have both overestimated and underestimated the gravity of the situation. Overestimated because I'm too dramatic and emotional, underestimated because I think too high of myself. Am I really prepared for it? I'm too idealistic, optimistic, and naive that I keep thinking of the good consequences of my decision. What about the bad consequences? Can I really handle it? Which is safer, to break out of the shell without any familiar faces that you don't trust, or to break out of the shell while being surrounded by familiar faces you don't trust? I don't know, the former seems safer to me. Both reeks of potential decay, physical decay in the former, emotional and social decay in the latter. At least, the former offers certain growth yet the latter can only give uncertain hope. And I... am too broke to afford gambling on hope again.

Ugh, I'm too hung up on the consequences again. I'm considering the useless opinions of others again. There's no greater foolishness in this world than to believe that this world is rational, just, and meaningful. I must always remind myself that humans, most humans speak under the assumption that the world is just, rational, and meaningful, an assumption which — has rarely become true in my life. These humans are like forex and stocks traders, and there's a reason why most of them eventually fail despite following all guides and tutorials. I would rather choose a certain chance to be free for a day, than to remain a slave for an indefinite amount of time, only clinging to rotten hope. Freedom is best felt when one embraces all things — the beginning, the end, and the imperfections. With the remaining life I have left, I will go all-in. If I end up wrong, if I end up realizing that everything I did was foolish, then I will take responsibility for it with my life.

 
### Final Meta-analysis
I understand now. All these plans, they are merely lousy attempts to feel something. It's another form of feeling-chasing. I was trapped in the hell of hungry ghosts. This is not freedom at all, they're merely attempts to capture the feeling of freedom. But the feeling of freedom is not freedom. The feeling of happiness is not happiness. I was so conceited and self-absorbed that I didn't even notice. These feelings, they are fleeting and empty. The freedom I'm chasing for all this time... it's also empty. The body despises the feeling of emptiness and nothingness more than the feeling of pain and fear. The feeling of being superior, enlightened, aware, smart, powerful, comfortable — they are nothing more than feelings! Woe is me! My foolishness have almost plummeted me to my doom!

I was wrong. I don't need to take as much as a single step just to reach the land of the immortals, I'm already here. I did not need to travel far away just to go home. Because the world is my home, this too, is my home. Everywhere is my home.

***I... am already home!***