The school year just ended and I have an infinite amount of free time. Although I did say that it's faster to self-study than to go to school, it's so difficult to find the motivation to do so. The peer pressure and deadlines, they're hard to replicate by yourself. In school, we study because we're motivated by fear. At home, there's no peer pressure to motivate us, there's no deadlines to fear.
The ideal normal answer is enthusiasm, to study what you want and learn what you love. It's cliched but it works, until you forgot why you wanted to learn it in the first place. To learn is to practice, one must find a way to integrate what they have learned into their daily life so that they will not forget it. Knowledge that is neither practiced nor applied becomes dormant knowledge, the person will forget it but it will be easier for them to remember it when they relearn it again.
Two whole months of free time. This is madness. Normally, I would be happy. But I have been stuck at home doing online classes a few times per week for so long that it would be nice to experience something new. Plus I've been slacking of these days, playing mobile games and reading manhwas all day long. I can't believe I got bankrupt again for the fifth time after doing some crypto trading, I really should not have traded when I do not have enough self-control to monitor it for 30 minutes.
For some reason, I feel as if my lower lip is swelling everyday. It's not painful but a rather uncomfortable feeling. Everyday is a choice between pain or emptiness, and I often find myself choosing the former by thinking about what I could have been. The world seems so scary and painful than I can only hide in a corner and binge read manwhas forever.
My mind has been corrupted with chaos — or that's what I think how other people would see it. Perhaps my mind has always been chaotic ever since I was born. It is a freedom of thought that indiscriminately flows to every possibility, without any concept of what's permissible, acceptable, and normal. Unfortunately, this freedom of thought does not extend to my body, thus it does not extend to my life. The only remaining link I have with the human race is to slave my life away with a timid persona. What else can I possibly be if not a slave? I cannot imagine a life not being a slave.
My life will probably remain the same if keep going this way. I know that no matter how much I keep moving forward, regardless how much progress I make in the society, I will still end up nowhere. Yet if I can simply stretch my hand to the sky, my life would change forever. If keep moving according to this predefined order, nothing would happen. Yet if I were to touch even the tiniest amount of chaos, everything would happen. Perhaps I have reached the stage of my life where quantitative change doesn't help anymore, what I truly need is qualitative change.
According to my observations, every four years, at least one qualitative change naturally happens to a person's life. Now, I am at the second year of the fifth cycle, it would only take two more years before it arrives for me. Still, I think we should not always depend on this four-year cycle. It would be great if we can make our own qualitative change in our life. Everytime we feel stuck, we should see it as an opportunity to lead our life into a new direction. You guys can do it, I'm too scared for that.
It's really strange. I've been alive for so long in this world yet somehow, my emotional and social life are still empty boxes. Everytime I put something inside the box, those things suddenly become missing a few weeks later. It's so discouraging that I don't feel like caring about it anymore. Still, looking at those empty useless boxes makes me annoyed, I should throw those boxes away too so I won't have to see them at all.
Hmm I don't really feel like doing anything these days other than reading manwhas and playing games. Maybe I should download some 2d mmorpg games on playstore. Reading ebooks sounds nice but I forgot why I should read them. Earning online money looks good but I don't really feel like dumpster diving within a bunch of online scraps and scams that only waste people's time. It seems, the only good physical activities I can do is going to the public library to read books or taking a walk in the park.
What's that? It looks like a spider web the size of a tree. The leaves of living tree behind and the empty tree branches in front create the fascinating illusion of a giant spiderweb. How interesting. Now I feel like searching a bunch of random weird websites on the internet and exploring the web.
What can I do with this massive free time I have? It's going to swallow me whole if I simply let it be. I guess there's no need to rush, I have all the time in the world to think about it. I think I should do a massive project, something like a personal website or creating my own AI. It would be nice if I can have my personal AI who have access to the internet where I can feed it specific types of information. Thus, I will create the most unhinged and comprehensive AI in the world, where every response is at least 7 paragraphs long, who will give the most unique and effective ideas.
It's settled then.