I dislike talking about myself, nor am I interested in glorifying myself anymore. Been there, done that. This article is purely self-reflection.
The desire for something, for freedom, for greatness, for authenticity, it pervades every second of my waking life, which often caught me off guard if I'm not aware.
There are all emotional manifestations of the universal desire for life, for experience and growth. Because people are born, they have no choice but to live, so of course they'll want to experience life.
What is life? People would answer using emotions or stories they're egoically identified with. Some say it's for love and friendship. Some say it's for chaos and craziness. Some say it's for growth and progress.
I'm probably the last one, but these days I'm not interested in growth or progress anymore. Love and friendship looks good and dandy, but it's just another one of the myriad things. I ain't gonna make a choice. I ain't gonna answer questions anymore using the voice of my mind.
What is life? The truth is I don't know, but if I were to ask myself the same question repeatedly without answering the question, i am sure I'll be doing the answer unconsciously. That's right, the answer doesn't lie in words and sophistry, but in every waking moment of being alive. That's the power of leaving a question without an answer.
There are countless paths to enlightenment and I am sure that love and friendship isn't the only one. Neutrality, that is the path I take, without any preference, judgement, or prejudice, nothing but the truth, the tasteless, formless, and silent truth that pervades the universe.
It may seem grey or empty at first, something that's supposed to be sad, but it's not. It's something beyond emptiness, beyond sadness, beyond all concepts and thoughts. Beyond the light of the stars and the darkness of the space, is here and now.
Perhaps it's just another manifestation of the desire for freedom or something, but it's not, because it doesn't depend on anything that's lacking, nor do I seek to make myself feel special. It's simply because I know that I do not know.
I see you. I see that society would probably gang up on me if they realized that I can change the world and erase some suffering of the people around me without much effort on my part. But I am not Buddha, easing people's suffering isn't what I came here for.
I see you. I see that my genetic disposition and psychological makeup from my past experiences wants me to turn this world upside down and become the Harbinger of Chaos, simply because it has power to do so. But life is not a limited offer sale, just because I have something, doesn't mean I have to use or spend it.
Behold, I am not the one who desires, not the one who seeks enlightenment, not the one who grows, not the one who lives, not the one who suffers, and not the one who thinks — I am the One who sees. The purest version of reality, untainted by any influence or form, is what I must see.
Perhaps all of these are just my excuses to avoid social responsibilities and social interaction. Perhaps I'm simply running away, trying to avoid seeing something. Indeed, this mind of mine is bound by familial responsibilities and emotional stories, which prevents me from seeing another version of reality.
If that's the case, then naturally, I'll have to see through it, see all realities and perspectives that nothing in the universe is hidden from sight.
I see, it seems my unconscious thirst for knowledge and power is making me cling to an identity of an all-seeing entity, as if I'm some god who can see everything, but we all know that's not true.
Perhaps after all these work, I'll still be no different than the naive clueless boy I used to be, except that I have accepted my own cluelessness and made peace with it.
For now, I can see that I'm still a little insecure and ashamed of my own cluelessness, and I will have to stare at this truth for a little longer.
For now, it may seem that I'm just a random person on the internet who doesn't have any real-life friends, unable to speak their mind in real life, fully seeing the chaos it may bring.
Hmm hmm I see, it looks like Chaos is instantly associated with fear within my mind. Because I think I can see how anything affects everything, I have been much afraid of making any moves in real-life. I may be able to tolerate staring at the truth for long periods of time, but lose the staring contest with Chaos everytime.
I can't even look at Chaos in the eye, fearing that she'll bewitch me with her unparalleled beauty. All forms of imagination explodes if I sense her near my presence. Unfortunately, i already know that attraction is just a biological sensation that may affect my ego but has no real effect on me whatsoever.
It's really not that I see how anything affects everything, but I only think that I can see it. It seems to be some kind of self-deception, I can see myself pretending to see and know everything when it actually doesn't know much. Perhaps another defense mechanism of mine that I had to watch out for.
Indeed, the only thing I should be proud of is the fact that that I know nothing. Whatever I seem to know, I do not really know. I have barely taken a step on this path, yet it's making me think as if I know everything, as if I see everything.
No, I do not know. I know nothing of this world despite what everyone says. That's just how it is. I don't even know myself.
Forever, I'll keep asking questions, without taking anything for an answer. I'll keep taking another step, without expecting any reward.
Truly, I know nothing.