I can't analyze the universe everytime, sometimes analyzing a smaller and more remote part would lead to better results.
I would like to diagnose myself in this article and become consciously aware of all the psychological factors that affects me.
Tags: Personal, Situationalysis, Cringe, Emotional, Psychological, Analysis, Self-improvement, Unformatted
So I've been going to school for these past two weeks with a psychology course, and I noticed how weird it is for me to willingly isolate myself from the group and be alone on a corner, especially in the psychology class.
I couldn't shake the feeling that I'm getting psychoanalyzed somehow, so I'm going to psychoanalyze myself to deal with that feeling. Alright, it's showtime!
It seems to me that I have a habit of consciously not trying to belong in the group, or isolate myself from the group. Is it really just my desire for preservation of identity that drives this behavior? Do I really not feel an itch to satisfy the social need of belonging?
My ego insists "yes". To be frank, that's what it always do when it doesn't get anything it wants, it would act like "Nah, I don't need that thing in the first place anyway!". Maybe I do feel the need to belong in a group or community. If that's the case, then why do I suppress it? Why do I not act on that need?
Let's take a look at my mind's most common alibis:
Taking a look at the first alibi, it seems that the person might be feeling that they aren't as important as other people, that others won't be able to understand them, and that they aren't enough to fit in any group.
Perhaps they have experienced adverse traumatic events regarding similar cases in the past? Maybe this person has been living the same circumstances in their home family life? It's not certain, but there's a possibility. But even if that were really the case, there's no way to change the past.
Even foreigners are able to interact and communicate with locals if they want to. Humans are and have always been different from one another, they just naturally compromise when they're in a group. And the subject is already well-aware of their value through repeated introspection.
Thus, none of those alibis or logically valid at all. They seem to be just an excuse to hide something more conscious, destructive, and pernicious.
And what would that thing be?
A. Conscious decision never to adapt nor compromise for the sake of other people.
B. Conscious decision not to reveal anything about oneself in fear of being judged.
C. Invalid assumptions about social groups and humans due to lack of experiences
D. All of the above
That's right, the answer is the most painful truth all along "D. All of the above". Gosh it hurts to write, I never knew that admitting my mistakes can be so brutally painful. Tis' but a scratch.
Yes, I don't want to learn their language just to please other people when they can speak my language. Yes, I don't want to compromise any part of myself and personality just to please anyone. And yes, I do fear that my works and achievements would be laughed at, just like what happened in the past.
These conscious decisions of mine, based on the invalid assumptions stemming from pessimism and cynicism, gives me the aura of someone who is so completely serious, cold, empty, asocial, and dark. This explains why people finds it difficult to approach me and why I find it difficult to approach them.
To admit that I am indeed alone, lonely, and would like some real-life friends, people to talk with, and cute girls to hug, would be so painfully impactful as it invalidates everything I have been trying to believe until now. It would be like getting hit by a speeding train, but crushing my psyche instead of my bones.
Geez... I just want to survive, I want to remain healthy and alive regardless of whether I'm alone or not. You say Vulnerability is cool and awesome? I ducking dare you to tell that to thousands of my past selves who has been instantly taken advantaged of whenever I reveal any weaknesses.
Ahh this is so unfair, so unfair. Why did the people around me changed and become nice? Why are they the only one who gets to change? Why do they leave me alone in this darkness after everything they have done to me? After all they do, they expect me to catch up and become a good person?
This is why I can't stand people. I can't stand those who force others to change just for the sake of their stupid group.
Did you know for every ducking day in my childhood, I told myself the same thing every single night "I will never be like them, I will never be like them, I will remain healthy and survive this hell even if I have to do it alone."?
Again, again, and again, I will tell myself the ducking thing for the rest of my life. I will tell it to myself today, I'll say it to myself tomorrow, and the day after that:
"I will never be like them. They who hurt and control others for their own gain. They who had willingly choose to stop growing and continue on their awful ways just because of their past. I will always grow, I will always improve, and I will never be controlled by neither my past, my emotions, and other people around me.
If I'm a seed that is thrown on a solid road, I will grow to become a powerful tree whose roots are so powerful that it breaks the road I grew up on, so that others may grow properly.
If I'm a seed that's thrown on a desert, I will grow to become a sturdy tree who will absorb the sand and bear fruits that satiates the thirsts of the people.
I am tRanChor."
"The shackles may be tight, the chains may be strong, but my pain is far greater."
"Emotions and imagination makes what seem to be impossible appear completely plausible."
"Feelings of insufficiency and inferiority drains a person's motivation more than anything else."