Ah that was a great moonlight walk. I didn't know walking outside of the night is quite empowering just as how being surrounded with crowded people is empowering. It's because in those places, I am the most unseen. They rouse my primal instincts. Truly, it's in chaos and silence where I can best thrive.
These three weeks has been in a constant downtrend lately. Usually a negative mental state only lasts for three days for me, now it reached three weeks and still ongoing. Anyone can see that something is wrong — no, only me and my readers can see it. Daily functions and minimal social functions are still working, and they're going to work for at least three years more even if the worst did happen.
I have 8% of phone battery left after wasting my day binge reading to hell. I'll complete this article within this 8%.
"I don't like depending on anyone." This is a firmly held belief of mine, which upon closer examination, is built upon layers of hypocrisy.
Although I say and think like that, I depend on my parents for daily food to eat. I depend on the manhua authors to keep supplying me with chapters. I depend on the ground to walk and move. I depend on my phone which is made by other humans to write articles and stuff. It is physically impossible not to depend on anything or anyone.
Then why? Why do I say that I don't depend on anyone? Because as much as possible, I don't want to ask for help nor be bothered to help anyone. I don't want to uphold anyone to high expectations. Interestingly, although I don't ask for help, people still do good and benefit me for no reason. Even if I say that I uphold no expectations, I expect that people will not bother or annoy me in the slightest.
In the end, I'm not really that independent, I'm just an asshole. My greatest fear isn't dying or being depressed but being seen by people with their disgusting eyes of pity, as if I'm someone so weak that I need their stupid help. I'm okay with collapsing or being tortured secretly but being seen as weak, or being obligated to help or repay anyone, is simply unthinkable.
These three weeks, I've been binged reading and binge watching endlessly. I tried writing articles, taking naps, and doing meditations but I can't seem to get out of the quicksand of suffering, I'm simply drowning more and more. I tried uninstalling webtoons but I can't help but reinstall them again next day. This is quite demoralizing, humiliating even.
What went wrong? It seems that my self-regeneration abilities that allowed to me to quickly heal any mental afflictions in just a day is slowing down, as if it's been reduced by half. This all started when I stopped writing deep articles, since I used to write those articles in a trance-like state with automatic writing, along with legendary vocabulary. I can't seem to enter that same state anymore.
Looking from it at the environmental perspective, these past weeks I've been facing consecutive loses from learning how to trade. I have recently began my school classes where there's a lot of unexpected schedule shifts that can be a little stressful. Furthermore, I have endured over $20 of losses from real-life crypto trading.
All of these factors, both internal and external, accumulated to create the current situation I'm in now. Ah I miss it. I miss the mystical voice in my head that gives me legendary advice and encouragement whenever I need it. That too, seems to have disappeared. It probably didn't disappear completely, I probably just can't hear it as clearly as before.
This situation, which is a little extreme than usual, demands somewhat extreme solutions. There's no reason to panic since I'm still going to be fine, I've experienced worst stuff than this and I'll probably get better somehow.
The first solution: I'll delete my p2e game which I have been playing for over 6 months and gives me $10 per month. I'll be deleting this game at Sunday and claim all my remaining funds and deposits. I'll have $10 if I claim all of it. I will stop playing it after this weekend.
Hmm for the second solution, I think I might need to enforce at least a one-month martial law for myself — setting the highest level of self-restraint and discipline possible. Thus, I will live a completely normal life away from social media scrolling, webtoon reading, and watching YouTube videos for a month. I'll probably go crazy from the withdrawal symptoms but I must endure, I will endure. The only activities allowed will be ebook reading, taking naps, article writing, and meditations.
I can write and follow ten thousand more possible solutions but that would just be too repetitive. Let's give up on seeking the so-called "Freedom" for now. The most important things I need to focus on is to take care of myself, stay alive, and wait, wait patiently for the storm to end.
And as for anything else, they can disappear.
For now, let's go back to when we were an innocent child, where the only thing in our mind is:
"I will survive, I will survive no matter what. I will make sure to last long enough, to be healthy enough to see the very end."