I tried to take a long nap to feel better, but I feel even more tired and my head feels hurt. I learned that taking a nap isn't a good solution for a heart demon. But maybe it's better than clawing and screaming on the walls.
I didn't expect... that my fear of abandonment is extremely higher than I thought it would be. I didn't know... that my social paranoia, is unthinkably higher than it should be. After being attacked by a heart demon, only now I truly realize, that my brain's wiring is more messed up than I expected.
What's worse is that, because of my neurodivergent brain, I get so easily destabilized whenever something out of the ordinary happens. The world behaves in a predictable pattern. And when even a single one of those patterns failed to happen, it feels as if everything I knew about the world was wrong, as if I've been wrong my entire life, believing in lies to make myself feel better. It's as if everything is crashing down, and it hurts my head.
Maybe I don't ask questions to understand the universe, but simply to comfort myself while I'm constantly drowning in the quicksand of eternal solitude and ignorance. I know nothing. No one tells me anything. Thus, I must forever claw my way out of the grave with my bear hands. And in doing so, I may not be able to be buried alive by my own ignorance, but I will at least suffocate under the weight of sheer awareness that I cannot yet accept.
Ah... I feel cold again. I thought I found a good and warm house. But it didn't last long. There were leaks everywhere. Sometimes the house would be warm. Sometimes the house would suddenly be cold. The solution is simple: to stay in the house when it's warm, and leave when it's cold. But... I can't help but keep staying in the house even when it's cold, thinking it would get warm somehow. Just why am I like this?
It's just like, there's a creature born in winter as an egg. No amount of cold can ever reach the insides of the egg but it must keep moving lest it become frozen. But when the winter is finally over, when the warmth of spring has reached the egg, then a creature whose sole purpose is to erase all winters from existence will finally be unleashed.
I knew all along that the only thing that can warm me is the fire within me or the fire of the universe. Perhaps both of them are actually the same fire. However, I dare not accept my own fire, a fire so massive and concentrated that not even the sun can compare. I don't want to burn the world where my future kids would live. Maybe I can learn to control the fire, but is it really possible? As you may have already guessed, I'm too mentally fragile to handle my own emotions. Besides, if I were to use it for the first time, my sheer ignorance will make the first ignition catastrophic and explosive. I need to keep using it learn how to control it, but if I ever use it for the first time when I still have no control over it, who knows what would happen? For now, that will be my last resort.
Right now, I can only rely on the fire of the universe, even though I have no idea what is it about. Maybe it's the feeling of delightful warmth when being exposed to sunrise. Maybe it's the feeling of bittersweet warmth when being exposed to sunset. Maybe it's the feeling of seeing the flower bloom. Perhaps it's the feeling of seeing a raindrop fall gracefully to the ground. While this may all seem nice and well, if you look closely, the warmth of the universe only seem infinite because it is the combination of all temporary warmth. Thus, this method would only work if I can find warmth in the smallest things, such as the subtle movements of the grass and the solidity of the ground. If only I can attain a state of enlightenment, then there would be no such thing as warm or cold anymore. But I haven't. And therefore my mortal body cannot help but be swayed by the illusions of the mind.
Why do I not want to be cold? What's wrong with that? Because I have already tasted warmth and I will never be the same anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have tasted it in the first place. But then I wouldn't know if I have been frozen. Is it so wrong to yearn for truth, beauty, and goodness? Why do I have to keep chasing something that most people were already born with? Sigh, none of this will matter in the next week anyways. This article will be forgotten, never to be read again.
I am sad... and it's all my fault. For not being disciplined enough. For not having high enough spiritual and philosophical foundations. For not being strong enough. For not being wise enough. In the end, this is a sadness of my own creation and choosing. It will definitely pass somehow, but right now it's still here. And I must... understand every single bit of it. I will be fine. Everything will be okay. When I wake up tomorrow, I'll forget every single bit of it. Just like how it's always been.
Information and warmth, I obsess too much over these two things. I need to know.. to know, to know, to know, to know, TO KNOW EVERYTHING BY MYSELF, BY SACRIFICING WHATEVER I HAVE, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL ME. I'm sorry for asking too many questions, but I cannot live without asking them. As for warmth, I'm just being cringe. I don't really need that at all. It's just a mere socioemotional construct. After all, I have lived for decades without it, therefore it's not necessary to survive at all. I can do just fine without it. If there's anything wrong today, then I should have exercised, took more naps, and watched the clouds more. I promise to do better tomorrow, just like what I have always done.