Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-monogamy

By Jessica Fern

Book notes

Polysecure book cover

4 types of attachment

I think I have mostly a secure attachment

Emotional reactivity

Do I believe that I can rely on other people?

Essentialising Identify with what feels useful and don't rigidly identify yourself with one label: 'we are more than the problems we face'

you might see yourself in various attachment styles - depending on who you're relating to or specific situations (e.g. under stress)

Your attachment style is not an excuse for abuse.

3 styles

Avoidant dismissive

deactivated
task-based
overdevelopment of a logical brain
has one foot out the door in relationships
To heal:
- no longer distance or dismiss themselves
- accept your longings for connection

Anxious preoccupied

unpredictability can be stressful - abusive relationship?
- partner's mind is centre of interactions (their wellbeing, role reversal of care taking)
overly hyper focused on the other partner - about availability, responsiveness etc. - frequently consumed by fears of abandonment
may often fall into self-critical loops/moods
have a hard time taking in love they want even when it is given
tend to jump into bonds/relationships very quickly
compulsive caretaking ?

Disorganised (fearful avoidant)

vascillates between 3 other types (deactivates and hyper focuses)
parent is scary or violent - want to move towards caregiver for care but is also scared
more observant/aware of subtleties of people and environment - HSP (highly sensitive people) - can be easily overwhelmed
illness/auto-immune
Ex? Me now a bit?
- changing between wanting connection and not wanting it (attacking)
journal questions at end of chapter 2

chapter 3

Mentions feedback loop of relationships and individual growth/progress

Loving somebody more doesn’t mean loving somebody less (quote by somebody)

not all relationships need to be attachment based.
Difference between being in a secure connection with someone and having a securely attached relationship
Secure Connection: not daily contact, but when you reach out it’s like no time has passed. Secure in the bond you have - it may be super meaningful - but doesn’t require regular maintenance or attention. Look up ‘comets’, ‘satellites’, similar to ‘casual’. Could be long distance relationships
securely attached relationships based on Cons and reliability
Are you available, are you responsive, are you emotionally engaged?

Planted [7 Feb 2023 at 22:35]
Last tended [20 Feb 2023 at 14:59]