8 minutes before washing clothes. I messed up real bad today. And I blame it on some duckers disturbing my one hour nap and waking me up at 30 minutes instead. Without my naps, I lose all focus and motivation. It is extremely difficult for me to return to my routine once it has been sabotaged like that. So I played games and binged read all day long. I didn't get to wash clothes. I didn't get to start my homework. The time flew by until my entire day was gone. Bad decision making skills? Poor coping skills? I don't know, it's all of the above.
Still, I'm rather grateful for my online friend giving me $150. I've been wishing for several months that someone would give me more than $100. And it just happened. Surprisingly, I wasn't that happy at all. My first thought was full of greed, too. I was thinking "How strange, if you could give me $150 so easily, then surely you can easily give me $1000 too?" Why only give me $150 when you can change my entire life forever with $1000? A thousand dollars may not be enough for me to rent a new home but it's certainly more than enough for me to make multiple high risk investments at several websites and applications at once while still leaving enough money for my health issues and comfort. I daresay the passive income I will earn from that will be more than enough to generate me dozens of dollars per day, allowing me to create my first small money generator. Receiving $5000 would be enough for me to flip my entire life upside down but I wouldn't be so shameless as to even think about it.
But still, I'm rather ashamed of thinking this way. I have thought to myself that I'm already free of greed, which certainly wasn't the case. With this incident, I have confirmed that I'm a greedy person. Just because I'm frugal and don't spend excessively does not mean I'm free from greed. I'm simply too aware of my limits. I'm aware of the great things I can afford with enough money, that spending low amounts of money for useless luxuries does not sit well with me. Every penny of mine must be spent for the sake of my health and dreams, not a single one shall be used for anything trivial. If I have low amounts of money, then I'll simply save it. If I have moderate amounts of money, then I'll do high-risk investments for it to grow. Then I learn from the failure of my high-risk investments so I repeat once again.
A healthier way would be to save large amounts of money for a long period, then do safe investments with a maximum of 20% returns. This is extremely boring and requires a lot of patience, which I obviously do not have. I want to participate in life in the most active way possible, so safe investments do not appeal to me in the slightest. To learn and to try again over and over, this is the most fun and meaningful for me.
Still, I'm very grateful for my online friend. I'm also grateful to the spiritual forces that made this happen. My life is like this, if I wish for something long enough, it would eventually be given to me, as long as my wishes are realistic. This has been true ever since I was a child, such that at least two of my small wishes will come true every year. To my guardian angels and spiritual genies who always take care of me despite my imperfections, I am really thankful. I'd like to believe that one of my autistic powers is spiritual sensitivity, allowing me to draw wisdom from emptiness and understand the incomprehensible.
I currently have two active spiritual abilities: anti-perception and wish fulfillment. For the anti-perception, I firmly believe that if I make some hand signs or something, then imagine myself to be covered in purple barrier or aura, and hold that imagination, then my existence will not be consciously perceived and sensed by those around me. I have configured the settings such that people will still subconsciously perceive me, if only to avoid crashing to me, just like how some split-brain patients cannot see on their left side yet if they guess what they are currently seeing on their left side, they are correct 80% of the time. However, I still don't have faith in my abilities, which is why I have not scientifically tested them. Anti-perception and wish fulfillment are the lowest of the spiritual abilities in terms of skill and knowledge required to do them, which is why it's nothing surprising for any spiritually sensitive person to make use of them, often unconsciously.
I don't know if this counts as an autistic superpower but I always had the uncanny ability to see the effects of any event on the present and future mental states of any person. Even when I was a teenager and didn't know the word "psychology", I have always instinctively known how an event would affect a person's psychological functioning. I guess normal people would call this empathy or something. This is a curse because the moment I gained that ability, I saw how all my actions and behavior contributed to the mental states of people around me, I saw how I am unwittingly propagating the same system that harmed me, and I also saw that the best thing I can do for now with my current mental state and abilities is to do nothing at all while feigning ignorance. The extreme guilt from knowing something so important and not doing anything about it slowly eats me alive everyday. For one is complicit in the injustice they didn't prevent or fought against regardless whether it will be successful or not.
What's annoying is that I wasn't informed in advance that my family won't be washing clothes this weekend. This is another severe disruption in my routine that contributed to my binge reading earlier. They only told me when I asked them, I would not have known if I didn't ask. As an autistic person, the lack of organized information flow and management bothers me a lot. It keeps giving bad surprises because humans don't naturally share information with others without needing to be asked unless it's their friends. Humans rely too much on other people to receive information. I don't have that, I neither have the friends nor social skills to make friends who would tell me the necessary social information. This is why I have always thought about the necessity of having an Information Dissemination System in every part of society, within families, schools, and daily life. This means that important information such as changes schedules and availability must always be posted where it is easily visible. The IDS will be the first step in supporting people's choice in becoming more independent and alone, so they have more freedom to help others by choice not by social contracts.
The faint smell of gasoline is bothering me, I have no idea where it's coming from, maybe I'm just hallucinating? My skin has been extremely irritable lately, even the smallest stress gives me hives outbreak with unbearable levels of pain and itch. My face has been riddled with an increasing amount of pimples. As for school, I'm going to get destroyed in my first subject because my thesis groupmates have become unresponsive, such that there's 40% I will fail and repeat the subject. I'm going to get obliterated in my second subject because I have lost my test papers that are both necessary, confidential, and expensive. The strict teacher is going to cook me alive in front of the class before telling me to pay expensive amounts, then failing me and also making me repeat the entire course. I have failed one class in my second year because of some minor technical error that my classmate caused and unforgiving professor. Now, I'm also about to fail two classes because of my groupmates and my own stupidity. I don't even have the confidence that I'll graduate anymore.
Actually, I don't care about graduating. What scares and annoys me the most are people's dramatic reactions to all these bullsheep. If only I can become rich before the sheep hits the fan, then I can rent my own place and freely drop out just before all hell breaks loose. Knowing my life, I won't probably escape in time. How bothersome.