"So when did you get this little guy? He’s cute! Come ’ere, buddy, yeah, oh, you’re a nice nice little man, I don’t think you could hurt anybody."
"He won’t hurt you," Ash says. "He likes you."
"Well yeah..what’s not to like..oh..there..little buddy..yeah." I’m lying down in Ashley’s yard and this corgi named Beethoven is licking my ear.
"Don’t let him do that," she says. "The behavioralist says—"
"Why not? He seems to like it!"
"He likes earwax," Ashley says, not-pleased.
"You couldn’t bite someone, could you?" I say, grabbing him by the pits and pulling him on top of me. "No. No you couldn’t."
"You better not let Jules smell him on you, if she smells another—"
"Jesus, Ash, what a cunt thing to say."
"I didn’t say it. You didn’t let me finish."
"I thought you said his name was Beethoven!"
"It is."
I’m turning the dog around, looking for genitals. There’s nothing obvious. "Ashley! This dog is a fucking girl!"
"I know," she says, "But I like to call him Beethoven."
"Well at least you’re a freak," I say, rubbing my face and the dog’s face together. "You’re just like your mother." The dog is panting, looking sideways, letting me do whatever I want to her. "This dog wouldn’t hurt a fly," I say.
But Ash says: "You wanna see pictures?"