As time stretches to infinity, the only number left on the clock will be Inevitability.
It was at that time I procrastinated on the dishes for 3 hours by doomscrolling to the point of regret. It was terrible. More than yesterday where I did nothing but consume. More terrible than the day before yesterday where I was in the school event for several hours, waiting for it to end.
I... don't feel like writing anymore. It's all the same anyway. No amount of writing is going to change my life. I don't feel like thinking anymore. No amount of thinking is going to force me to decide differently. Is life perhaps, only about consuming and procrastinating, until the end finally comes?
I hate that I feel disappointed, I hate that I cannot be satisfied with such life. These days, I got scammed, worked for money, and am currently waiting for my paycheck to arrive one week later, which would probably not arrive and be just another scam. It was impossible to do such annoying marketing advertising work without turning off your brain. Perhaps if I do it long enough, I would forget how to turn on my brain again. It might become turned off forever.
Not wanting to consume or procrastinate anymore, I decided to write whatever's on my mind until I finally fall asleep. Tomorrow, we'll be leaving for a new house in a corporate subdivision, y'know those places where houses look all the same, with a guarded gate to top it off. It may be a time for excitement for my siblings but I see it as nothing more than a time to lift so much heavy things that I'll probably have muscle cramps for several days. For what is the difference between this house and another? As long as I have a place to sleep and shit, nothing else matters.
While I was doomscrolling, one particular point stood out to my hazy memory "How you think the world works is shaped by what you pay attention to, and failure is the only relief to such stagnation". They're probably right. Yet they forget that people do not willingly pay attention to many things, rather their attention is forcefully collected by their environment around them, while being pumped by social media algorithms in their phones. It assumes that people willingly pay attention to things. But how many people do truly pay attention to the various details in life? Do most people pay attention to anything else other than the bills they have to pay, the work they have to do, the celebrity gossip on their television, the political news on their phone, and the trending stuff on social media? With all these things vying for their attention, how do they think the world works?
Helplessness. I'm guessing that this is what they probably feel after learning from the news and television that they are all simply unlucky for being born in such terrible circumstances and they can do very little to change it. I'm not sure but that's how I feel after consuming hours of social media content. I would have believed it if only I didn't have this bloodline, if only I'm not the apostle of chaos and annihilation. This is so unfair, really. I want to feel helpless too. I want to know nothing, want nothing, and do nothing too. I don't want to be myself, my insanely glorious and loud self that threatens to terrorize the very foundation this world has been built on. I want to remain a peaceful person, someone who can wait, someone who can endure. But how long can I stay this way?
Sigh, I have no idea what kind of bullshit awaits me on the other home. A three bedroom house is probably at least a two-story house. That means I'll be cleaning both the first floor and second floor. That means I'll have to clean at least twice as more rooms as our current house. The kittens will surely miss me just as how I would miss the stench of dead rats and cat poop. Serendipitous encounters do not exist outside of TV series and anime, especially not for autistic humans like me.
Such a human phenomenon holds no value to me except for oxytocin and satisfaction of curiosity. Yet others assign value to it for the sake of loyalty, memories, and name. Our goals are not aligned, it has never been aligned. I am too clingy, ask too many questions, and am easily disappointed by those who are disloyal to time or do not keep their word. Even I cannot believe in the purity of my intentions, for I have been gaslighted to believe that all that is strange is evil. Thefore, I must be evil. My feelings are evil. My wants is evil. Obviously, the only solution here is to not be myself, to not feel anything, and to not want anything.
One of the most fascinating experiments a person can try in their life is the Honesty Experiment. It means that in a particular situation or conversation, you will choose to become so complete, absolutely, and insanely honest until that situation or conversation ends. It sounds like a pretty fun idea but it's difficult when tried in reality. So if you're having difficulty trying it on people you know, try doing it to strangers that you won't see ever again. Perhaps it might actually be easier doing it to familiar people, since strangers might demand other strangers to follow basic courtesy and politeness. But if you think about it, you can merge both courtesy and complete honesty into one maddening chimera that even the wonderful dog of Shou Tucker would pale in comparison. Maybe this would just shock people even more that they pass out, or MAYBE IT WOULD SHOCK THEM SO MUCH that they'll speak in their TRUE VOICE just for you. Ohohoho, beware! No matter how unhinged, open, or honest you think you are, hearing the TRUE VOICE of another person will still shock you. For a complete mastery of CHAOS, you must learn to be comfortable with both your own true voice and the true voice of other people.
But I can't do that now, can I? It's not time yet. When will it be? Just a number beyond the clock. Something that you can never find inside the clock but can only exist in eternity. (Hint, the answer is in the beginning of the article.) But if you're looking for the trigger to do it, then look no further. Because there's no trigger, there will never be such thing. Although anyone can tell you to stop (and they definitely will), no one will ever tell you to start. Oh my dear friend, you must accept the fact that CHAOS has NO BEGINNING. There will never be any signal telling you to begin. THERE IS NO starting gun, NO ONE who will push you on the cliff, and NO TOOTH FAIRY! Just as how no one told me to stop doomscrolling and consuming internet media, no one else will ever tell you to start fulfilling your dreams and unleash chaos into this world. Sadly and unfortunately, one shouldn't wait for what will never come.
Even though I said that, I will still not do it. No, I will not topple this Lego tower I have made over the course of several years just to build something even more FUN, INTERESTING, AND WONDERFUL! But maybe I should, maybe I could, MAYBE I MUST!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. No, no, no. Chaos, you cannot tempt me. You cannot make me do your bidding! I will rather spend the rest of my life being a slave of unthinking zombies instead of HAVING FUN EVERYDAY AND LIVING MY DREAMS DOING NEW THINGS EACH DAY! Begone, evil spirit! You cannot make me pet stray kittens on the street, much less make me hug strangers! There is no way, absolutely no way, I will do the things you want me to do. Not even for ten billion dollars. For I am the paragon of virtue, the great breadwinner, bootlicker, and asswiper!