My mind needs to take a shit
I don't want to explain deep sheep to dumb ducks anymore who refuse to understand. It is my fault for not seeing that their reason for arguing is based on an emotional and sensitive sheep, so that no matter how good I'll explain it, they'll pretend not to hear and remain blind. It is already a red flag when their messages are getting shorter and not bothering to explain their stance anymore.
Sadly, I'm in the first save slot of the game and in this first run, I have decided decades ago that I would follow the world's rules and see the normal ending of being apathetic and compliant. So no matter how caring or chaotic I actually am, I would do nothing, simply to preserve the integrity of this run. However, in the next run, timeline, or world, I would definitely do things more differently. But this time, I have to see the normal ending no matter what. After all, it's my first time gameplay, so please don't blame me for counting numbers one by one, next by next, like everyone does.
Itch, pain, and cravings, I'm getting used to it. Just like how I don't flinch anymore when I stub my toe on a table, I don't automatically scratch anymore when something is itchy. Still, I can't seem to get used to cravings. Just yesterday, I played games until my hands felt like burning, then I passed out at 8 PM. I think, that is definitely not a good way to live my life, even if I'm trying to get the normal ending. But what else can I do? Sleeping, reading, and writing are the only things I can do in this normal ending so it is indeed boring as hell.
This ducking book I'm reading about urban design is so ridiculously annoying. It says that trustworthy human relationships are the most important thing in life and nothing can make life better than those. Fuck you. They might as well write a cringe romance story instead of urban design. I may not have a single trustworthy human relationship but my freedom, philosophy, and spirituality SHALL BURN WITH ENOUGH PASSION TO REPLACE IT COMPLETELY.
It takes a lot of willpower to do things you don't want to do but can refuse or change. Good thing I am someone rich in willpower, so I have the superpower to suffer infinitely. However, it takes a different kind of willpower to refuse doing things you have always done and change the status quo. Let's say the first one is the ordinary and common willpower, while the second one is the chaos willpower. Do I even have any chaos willpower? I don't want to admit it. Let things remain the way they are until they completely rot. After all, the power of Chaos isn't only about creating change, but being able to endure a longer amount of eternity than Order. Before Order, there was Chaos, there has always been Chaos.
My mind must be really constipated these days. This shit is taking so long to come out. I wish I can write articles as smoothly as before. But now, even shitting itself is so difficult.
I feel like installing another game to deal with oxytocin deficiency, maybe I should install Once Human or Sky Children of the Light. But I already have enough games. But Roblox doesn't have enough high quality coop games. And the only other games I have are offline games. Or perhaps I don't have to deal with my oxytocin deficiency to begin with. I can just sleep all day long instead, watch more anime or movies. After all, things are only necessary if I deem them to be.
And do I deem them necessary? They are definitely ideal, the pinnacle of human growth and development even, but in this post-apocalyptic world, such ideals are not only meaningless, they are dangerous. AHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA I hate this. I'm going to install them, but not because I want or need humans, but only because I'm curious about it! Nothing more, nothing less.
I feel like my mind isn't weird or chaotic enough. There must be something stranger, something more complex and specific that can circumvent all barriers and reach the desired outcome. Bruhh this random person just went out of their bench in front of me just to sit beside me. They are definitely not thinking of doing something or wanting something to happen. And I definitely do not want to do something or want something to happen. Strangers must forever remain strangers forever, and that is one of the rules for reaching the normal ending.
AHH FUCK IT'S 9 AM AND IT'S NATIONAL EARTHQUAKE PREPARATION DAY. I think, I am supposed to hold my hand over my head and go somewhere crowded and open? There's definitely a loud noise, but there's not a single crowd or authority figure within 500 meters. I doubt I need to do something.
Hmm I may be able to do something chaotic like a remote control and since it's remote, it would probably not stop me from reaching the normal ending. As for something strange, I'll need to dive, not just deeper but longer. I must continue diving even in the pitch black waters for countless days before I can step foot on the seabed. Even then, that's only the beginning. As for the something complex, I'll need to think more. More than what I can ever imagine, more than what I can ever think is possible. Hmm right now, the only thing I can start right away is the remote control. Haha I am not going to reveal the full details because no readers could ever be prepared for the world of the strange if they are already repulsive to the slightest weird.
So someone just gave me this social feedback, which I appreciate: "Basing basic terminology on what you imagine it to be makes you incorrigible to actually have conversations with, so i would advise against it."
But now that I think about it, do I really care about being incorrigible or not? Do I actually care about having conversations with people who seem to lack such creativity and open mind? Perhaps I am already incorrigible to begin with, and that is exactly why I based basic terminology on what I imagined it to be. It is not because I do it that I've become incorrigible but because I am incorrigible that I did it in the first place. I believe this is the correct order.
But now that I think about it, don't I seem like someone too annoying to the average people, just because I'm someone who aggressive twists and transforms their intended meanings into my imagined ones? Maybe it's like they're giving me an extremely expensive and precious large mug, only for me to use it as a flower vase for an ordinary flower. Perhaps it's like they're giving me the most expensive food container in the world, only for me to use it as a litter box for my cat. But now that I think about it, do I even care to begin it? Does being unintentionally annoying to others and getting that reputation, change my life in any way? Isn't the most important thing to me, more important than my life and everything else in the world, the capacity to express myself freely and receive feedback from all kinds of people?
But if you think about it, this kind of philosophy may not seem to be a categorical imperative, such that if everyone practices it, then society might fall into anarchy. But if I think about it, this kind of line is the favorite line of conservatives who has said many times before "If everyone can use internet and surf online, then society will fall into chaos!" yet society, remained the same. No, I think it is actually, slowly plummeting to chaos. And now that I think about it, it may actually be a good thing, a very fun and enjoyable thing. So yes, I do think society should fall into chaos and anarchy, and I will enjoy it very much. Thus, my philosophy passes the test of categorical imperative, simply because it aligns with what I think is right.
Hmm it's already almost two hours and I need to go home. When I get home, I'll need to take my morning nap. After that, I'll buy and eat lunch, then wash dishes. In this afternoon free time, I will send long and sincere thank you messages to the manufacturers of junk foods to see what will happen. Hmm a thought I'm holding just dropped to the abyss, I was thinking of another great thing to do. Whatever, on to the next thought. After that I'll be installing some more coop games. While downloading, I'll be thinking of my plans how to create the chaos remote control. Finally, I'll play the newly installed coop games and take a nap.